WHO TAKES CARE OF MOM WHEN MOM IS GOING DOWN FOR THE COUNT...AARGH!

I have this weird allergy. I am deathly allergic to milk proteins which includes cheese, butter, casein, caseinate and any and everything that has a trace of milk proteins. This weird allergy when it is triggered is quite debilatating. Rendering me almost ineffective as a human being. What does that mean, it means that I am so fucking sick I can barely move. The allergy symptoms mimic the flu, or pneumonia or bronchitas. So you can't treat it like those things. Then if that isn't enough, my veins contract and it HURTS like hell! There is not much I can do except ride it out with lots of long-named prescribed medication. I am usually very careful, but every so often something slips through. And I pay dearly. I just popped some more pills and I am going to lay down at 4:00 in the afternoon. The children are all practicing their piano lessons; I don't have to think about dinner for another two hours or so. Then I will drag my ass downstairs and wave a magic wand and POOF! DINNER, wholesome and nutricious. OK , it will probably be a big can of Beeforoni---I know, I know, I know, but what can I do. I can barely stand up. Otherwise they will have cereal.

I am going to be up and running by Saturday...I SWEAR IT! JB and I are going to see Anna Deavere Smith in her world premiere play "Let Me Down Easy" But righ now I am crawling up to my lovely bed--and it is a lovely king-sized girly-girl bed with its featherbed and heavy comforter and mountain of pillows and I will dream of a time gone by when I was WELL!

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: I AM GOOD ENOUGH AND I AM SHINNING ON

When someone walks out on you, leaves you in the lurch. Your first instinct is to think you must have done something. That you caused the rift, the shift in affection. I am guilty of that. When my estranged husband announced he was leaving weeks before I was scheduled for federal sentencing, I immediately owned all the reasons for his leaving. But now that the dust is settling and I am seeing the marriage as it really was. He was never good in crisis. He was never able to handle the lows, the tough times, change. As I look back on the 12 years, I was always holding it down. It was me doing the heavy lifting. He was never good in the pocket. I woke up at 4:00am this morning with this on my mind. The truth does set you free. I was in preparation to meet my destiny becoming the woman I am supposed to, then he had no choice but to leave. What else could he do? His history with me bears this out. I am a ride or die woman. There was no obstacle insurmountable to me. So today I have one more layer to let go of: I am shedding the guilt of not being good enough. I am good enough; not just for him, or anybody else but for me. I am good enough for me and I know that this new found confidence will add to the brightness of my light.

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: LOVE, SEX AND HOW TO GO ABOUT GETTING BOTH

(SIGH) So, I am admitting it. I am in the mood for love. Actually sex. But how? with whom? and when? (Sigh) If it was just me I could deal but I was over at Ndelible where she has a post: I Want Sex. Now if you aren't moved by the post, then the picture of the nude male photo is enough...and I don't care who you are or your sexual preference--that photo is HOT...but I digress. So she is lamenting what's on my mind (sigh). Then I hop over to Torrence Stephens bka All-Mi-T who's post A Penchant 4 Commitment is so moving and so beautiful that he has single handed restored my faith in Brothers who love supreme. And if none of that isn't enough Sojourner G has crafted an arsenal of love lost/love found/ love is God poetry, that so get under my skin that I can't stand it. I find them all to be, well, haunting. I hate to even mention all the time I spend over at Bloggersdelight2write all that delicious Grown Folks poetry and before I can settle in to read the latest posts I have the nerve to click on their 2 Make U Groove --all that old school music and I always start with Prince's Adore. So what's a Grown Woman to do? (SIGH)

My sister-friend JB suggests a cup of tea...short for sex toys--don't ask. Yes of course I say. Why I have a small reliable stash of toys that I ...well you know. But still...(SIGH) having a cup of tea is lovely, but it's the weight I need. The weight of someone playing moon to my stars--you know what I mean. Hey we're all Grown folks aren't we. Yes of course. When I am unusually focused on all things sex, sweat and more sex, I tip on over to Bad Bad Girl for some erotic reading--besides she has a killer blogroll. Yep, I know my freak flag is showing a bit, but I am a Grown Woman with NEEDS! DESIRES and FANTASIES! (SIGH).

Anyway, I am thinking about this and praying about this. I suspect Mr. Right-For-Me will show up sometime or another. IN the meantime, I am going to add a label here just so that I can talk about this from time to time.

TAG, I AM IT: A MEME

So I was over at my new favorite site FabooMama This Sister has a fine political mind and tells it like she sees it. I love it and have added her to my political blogroll over at Lovebabz LoveTHINK . While visiting her site I was tagged for this MEME. This is my second MEME and I find them a great way to tell about yourself. So here goes:
4 Jobs I had:
Executive assistant to public relations guru Terrie Williams...aaargh!
I worked as an adjunct college professor
I worked for a well known polling company
I ran a volunteer meal-delivery program for a AIDS Project
4 Movies I would watch over and over again:
Sounder, Sense & Sensibility, Auntie Mame, Any James Bond Movie
4 Places I lived:
New Haven-CT, Charlotte-NC, Columbia-SC, Concord-NC
4 People who email me daily:
My Sister Lo, My Sister-Friend JB, My BFF Ron
4 Favorite things to eat:
Frosted shredded wheat w/soy milk, pasta w/yummy sauce, tofutti pizza, dairy-free chocolate
4 Places we would rather be:
Paris-France, Santa Barbara-CA, Tuscany-Italy, Macy's-Herald Square/NYC
4 Things I am looking forward to this year:
Camping with my kids all summer with my Sister-friend JB and her son, launching my new business with my Sister Lo, getting my existing business off the ground, starting my book project(s) and one more---falling in love.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: A QUESTION OF LOYALTY

Ah another epiphany. I am having them all the time now. Why? because I am opening my self up in ways that I never could imagine. My new ah-ha moment came as I was talking to my sister-friend JB. I was working hard at not letting myself get caught up in my estranged husband's drama. Earlier in the week I asked my estranged husband if he could watch the children on a specific date in a couple of weeks. He could not. He has plans. I do not ask him for much. But in those rare occasions that I do--this is what I get: "I can't. I have plans" So rather than let myself internally combust I called JB. She let me vent for a few moments and then she very clearly said: "It isn't about him not loving you, it is about him being disloyal to you." It was as if the heavens opened wide and the angels began to sing. In that moment I knew she was right. He has been disloyal to me. DISLOYAL! My soul can not abide disloyalty. Loyalty for me it is akin to "true love" So of course I had to call my Sister Lo and talk for about an hour on this. She said "JB articulated what you knew all along". Estranged husband is DISLOYAL. She prompted me to look at at his life and the course of our marriage. It is is right there as clear as the water you find on the beaches of the Dominican Republic--my favorite Island...but I digress. JB was so right. Once I accepted this, it was as if another burden was lifted from my shoulders. I am no longer wrangling about why he doesn't love me anymore. What is love without loyalty? He knows so little about family and commitment and community and long-standing friends. He never had those experiences. He never stayed with anyone or anything long enough to grow roots. He has been on a job for many years, but a work ethic is not the same as family connection. I knew this when I met him and I chose to downplay the importance of this. I believed like so many women, that My Love would see him through, that my bustling family would embrace him and take him in. They did, I did, we all did. But it was not enough. And I suspect he was suffocating in all this family. I don't really know for sure and it is not for me to analyze. I do know that the next time I get married...and there will be a next time! I will spend a great deal more time discerning my choice and what qualities are of value to me. I did not choose unwisely this time. I think I married who I was supposed to marry for that time in my life. This is a new chapter and I am becoming a different sort of woman and my desires and wishes and hopes are far greater than ever before. So this means that as I am building a new list of what I value in a mate, loyalty will be at the top.

In 2 weeks My Brother Bob-O is sitting with the children while JB and I check out Anna Deavere Smith in her new play "Let Me Down Easy".

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: DREAMS NO LONGER DEFERRED

I am finding my voice in writing. This blog has really been good for me. It has allowed me to dream of writing as a reality and not a fairy-tale. I can write. I am stepping into that fact. I am owning that I have writing ability. I am no longer going to shy away from any talent. I am not going to undersell myself on any level anymore. I can write. I can dream. I can be. So I am wearing my newfound confidence. I am not just trying it on, I am buying it and wearing it out the door. I am coming into my full woman-ness and I ain't running from it. So today I am posting one of my favorite poems:

A Dream Deferred, by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

The Disney Princess Enchanted Tales DVD Review...Hey, I said I would review it, now shish

What's not to like about nonstop stories about Princesses? The Disney Princess Enchanted Tales DVD was a hit! My daugther Margeaux is a 5 year old Princess-in-Training. She loved it. She watched over and over and over. She forced anyone and everyone within a 50 mile radius of our home to watch...YIKES! A DVD solely about Disney Princesses, JOY! JOY !JOY!

My only problem is that my daughter and I are African American and to date there are no Disney Princesses that look like us. Does Margeaux care...no--however she does notice from time to time and has asked me if Princesses could have dread-locs. Of course I say. But I know the reality is probably not--in the Disney Universe and therein lies the rub...letting my kid identify with princesses who don't look anything like her. Maybe I am too jaded and have seen too much in the world. I do know this DVD made my daugther happy and she imagined herself floating and lovely and lush and beautiful and she is all those things, the Disney Princesses just confirmed it and for that I loved the DVD.

So thanks.

I think little girls should have that moment in their life when all their dreams are pink and purple and the only worry is whether or not shinny sequenced shoes could be worn to church with a pink boa and of course a sparkly tiara. Hey, you're 5 only once...kick-it like a Princess I say!