An Extraordinary Life Examined.
Notes and views on being an EX-Wife, Mother, Felon and Citizen of the world. This is my personal journey of how I am moving forward with grace and tenderness.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also...Matthew 6:21
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life....Proverbs 4:23
I am meditating on theses scriptures. I am looking at my life and inventorying my treasure(s). Not just the tangible things, but the things that make my heart glad. I am thinking about the next 100 days that will bring me fully into the New Year. Where am I in my goals for myself. Where am I in creating the life of my dreams. These are days where dreams are at a premium and everyone is up against it. Is dreaming a luxury? And dare I open my heart to love more fully?
YES! Scripture calls me to do just that...dream...dream more fully. Love more fully! I am taking my cues from the turning of the season, the leaves are starting to fall and the air is crisp. The season of magic, blessing and good tidings will soon be here. I am ready and I rooted in the right now. I can be hopeful for the coming season and I can stand in this moment wrapped in all my blessings.
Love is all around. I can feel it. I am giving it. I am discovering my treasure, my heart is full and Autumn is here!
At some point you have to say enough already. You have to know your pain threshold. We are not for each other. Not because we didn't try, but because we tried too much. Forcing a loveship that should have only been a summer fling last year. Here I am, wanting you to leave, move out, break up, break off, leave. This begins the season of mean when breaking up is hard to do. I wish you well. I wish you all the best. I wish you love.
I wish you would leave and take a slow boat to China and not call me, or send me a post card, or even whisper my name. It is quite startling when you realize you've been taken advantage of. When you have given more than you ever received. And you did not give so much because you wanted to receive anything at all. But the taking was so consistent and relentless that you just gave out of habit. We all judge people that's how we keep some mess out of our lives. We judge people on various things to help us decide if their being in our lives could be worth the effort. Sometimes we are successful and sometimes we are fooled, tricked and blinded. In my case I was blinded by history and potential. I saw him as he was, and hoped he would become something more.
He hasn't been here for two nights and it's been so peaceful. I like having my home to myself without someone under foot with a critical eye and a disapproving voice. I must say I had a good run with him, but it has lasted too long. The time has come to part company and get on down the road of our respective paths.
I am not unhappy or sad by any of this. I have learned that regret is wasted energy. To be in the company of someone who you know you will not make a life with is wasted energy. I am going in peace. I remain a hopeless romantic, always believing that true love dwells within. Always knowing that what I am seeking is also seeking me. How divine.
This is goodbye Mr. Love... for real, for real! There is nothing left to say except I wish you well, be safe, find joy and take care.
I am so loving this song! Pumping beat! Strong lyrics and just what I want to say!
Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by
You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast
I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset
I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
Sara Bareilles King Of Anything lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/sara-bareilles-king-of-anything-lyrics.html
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening
And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
I love this song. It speaks to Mr. Love and his steadfast resolve in standing with me. I have not been an easy woman. I love that Man. I need to let him know that. He has said these very words to me that are in this song. Maybe that's why I love it. I can hear him so clearly and lovingly.
You got someone here wants to make it alright Someone who loves you more than life right here You got willing arms that'll hold you tight A hand to lead you on through the night right here I know your heart can get all tangled up inside But don't you keep it to yourself
[Chorus:] When your long day is over And you can barely drag your feet The weight of the world is on your shoulders I know what you need Bring it on home to me
You know I know you like the back of my hand But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am) So take your worries and just drop them at the door Baby leave it all behind
[Chorus]
Baby let me be your safe harbor Don't let the water come and carry you away
[Chorus]
You got someone here wants to make it alright Someone who loves you more than life right here
I am done waiting for Monday, love, better weather, more time, slimmer me, happier me. I am always waiting. When did I become a person to wait on anything? I think this is another definition of being stuck. And being lazy. Yes I said it, LAZY! I know what needs to be done, but I spend an exorbitant amount of time talking myself out of stuff, and I don't mean silly things, I mean things that could make my life better, happier, more joyous! I decide to get up to work out at sunrise, when the day breaks I start back peddling, "Oh I can get my work out in later" or "gosh, I got to bed so late I am tired". Who am I waiting for? Seriously. On paper it looks like a crock of shit. In my head it seems reasonable and believable. I am my own problem. Seriously. I say I want to do XYZ and then I just do nothing to accomplish XYZ. Again, what am I waiting for? Who am I waiting for?
The thing to do, is TO DO... Right NOW! Too much intellectualizing. Too much trying to organize it in my head. Too much talking about what I am going to do and not enough of me doing anything! If I want to change this body, then I have to get off my ass and move it. If I want a lucrative business than I gotta light the fire myself and get to burning energy! If I want to be in love than I gotta be in love. It's all on me to bust a move in any direction. In any direction forward is a good move. And if it isn't I can move some more...in an entirely new direction (END).
The magic dwells within. The saviour dwells within. Love dwells within.
This is my last day of waiting for someone other than myself to do my work.
Everyone who knows me well, knows that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Earth Wind & Fire. They have a song for all of life's moments....love, joy, sadness, you name it, no one can motivate you back to yourself like Earth Wind & Fire....except maybe Stevie Wonder!
This is one of my favorites: On Your Face. The lyrics are so strong and so timely it doesn't even matter when this first came out. It's just what's needed today!
On Your Face
--Earth, Wind and Fire
Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh
M: Ain’t it funny that the way you feel shows on your face
And no matter how you try to hide, it states your case
Now a frown will bring your spirits down to the ground
And never let you see the good things all around
Every time we seem to let our feelings flow
Our luck run out, and the wind won’t blow
P: But, that can’t make me sad
Just can’t make me, whoa, oh
Cause I’ve been there before
Don’t wanna go no more
The world can’t take me
Won’t let it drive me mad
Sadness bears no remedy for the problems in your life
While you run your race, keep a smilin’ face
Help you set your pace
Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh
M: Wish upon a sunny day, it’ll turn to rain
Use the sunshine in your heart to ease the pain
We wonder how your attitude is going down
Is it wakin’ and shakin’ and safe and sound
Every time we seem to let our feelings flow
Our luck runs out and the wind won’t blow
P: But, that can’t make me sad
That can’t make me, whoa, oh
Cause I’ve been there before
Don’t wanna go no more
The world can’t take me
Won’t let it drive me mad
Sadness bears no remedy for the problems in your life
While you run your race, keep a smilin’ face
Life is on your case
M: Yes it is, yeah
P: This world can’t shake me, this world can’t shake me
Bad times can’t make me sad, whoa, oh
Cause I’ve been there before
Don’t wanna go no more
The world can’t take me
Won’t let it drive me mad
Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh
P: You can’t shake me, the way I feel today
Come tomorrow I’ll feel the same ol’ way
M: Ain’t it funny that the way you feel shows on your face?
P: Wake me! My heart is feelin’ glad
I’ll take you with me when you’re feelin’ bad
M: Use the sunshine in your heart
P: You can’t shake me what I feel today
Come tomorrow I’ll feel the same ol’ way
M: I start to wonder what’s going down
Feelin’ it, Feelin’ it
P: My heart is feelin’ glad
I’ll take you with me when you’re feelin’ bad
M: I start to wonder what’s going down
In your life, is it safe and sound?
I start to wonder if your life’s all right
Are you dealing with it everyday or does it cause you strife?
I do not feel alone in the world. I haven't felt alone in a long long time. My loveship is ending. Try as I might, there is no resuscitating something that is dead. Hanging on to the bitter end is bitter. We try to salvage love because we can recall when it was good; or when we were willing to let things fall by the wayside, because it (those little annoyances, quirks and personality flaws) were seemingly small and unimportant to the overall health of the loveship. Now those things are enormous and makes us crazy to no end.
I don't mind the solo navigation. I even like it a lot! The only feelings to consider in my decisions, are my own. Oh, I am not anti relationships, quite the contrary, I am more open to loveships more than ever. There is a great deal of value in connecting with someone, being committed to someone else and caring about their well-being. I want that fully in my life again. Its not enough to love someone. There has to be shared language, shared goals, shared forgiveness and shared joy. Nothing can thrive and grow under oppression, sadness and insecurity.
So I am suiting up again, dusting off my wings, checking my controls, tightening my seat belt, putting on my captain's cap and I am off. There's a big world out there and whatever I am seeking, is seeking me.
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