For as long as I can remember Fall has been a time for all kinds of new beginning, transitions and pure magic happens for me and to me. As much as I loved this Summer, I can feel the shift of energy toward the wideness of Fall. A chill in the air... the subtle change in colors from light bright to rich and bold and deep. I feel it in my bones the changing of the season. Oh I am transitioning again.
The last several weeks has dragged me back to re-exam my current state of being. It's truth telling time... and I have decided to take on intimate relationship life. I have to dig in and look at what I am doing.
Historically, when I have gotten involved with someone I do too much. I go all out... I buy shit.. I try to impress... I woo. I try to convince them that I am the one they should want. I become a woman on a mission. I did not it see this way. I looked at as being a modern independent woman. a woman who had no problem asking a man. Making the first move. I did it all so that the man of desire wouldn't have to work hard. I was already available. Add in alcohol and you got an intense, unauthentic woman with no real purpose or direction.
I shut it all down. I quit looking and being available to men. I stopped. Dropped out. I started the beginnings of what would become my spiritual walk and internal cleansing.
I got married and that changed me a great deal. It lasted 13 years.
I had stopped drinking. I learned about partnership and communicating and sharing. I blossomed and grew to be content... with a bit of longing for something more and not fully understanding what the something more was. When the marriage ended I was armed with a better sense of myself. A kind of maturity that resonated from the inside. My heart was broken, but I was stronger than I have ever been in my life. For several years I deeply and fully immersed myself in my spiritual growth, my emotional and my physical growth. I started this blog in the midst of a tough personal nightmare and odyssey. I was becoming the me of my dreams. Dating just seemed right. I was...am lonely. I thought I was ready to be open and inviting to a potential lover. Ugh.
So here I am dropping out of the dating pool once again. I found myself becoming too available to men... doing too much... aggressive.. and too inviting and accommodating. I see old habits and patterns showing up and that's not what I want for myself. I gotta quit trying to convince men to want me and allow a man to come for me on his own volition.
As I was doing "extra" it never occurred to me to stop. I didn't allow a man to work for my attention. Woo Me. Did I think a man wouldn't do that for me... come for me?... scale the castle walls for me? I must have thought that. I must believe this in my spirit. Deep down there is a belief that I have to prove my love worthiness... lest he not see it. This is the heart of the matter... the truth.
If I didn't do the "extra"... go above and beyond, I might get passed over. Not seen as love worthy.
Damn. heavy to stand in this truth. To say to myself that I tried and did buy the affections of someone...by taking care of their needs way before I even considered mine. And it didn't matter what the need was... I rose to the occasion and met them.
So what I am going to do moving forward is be still. If someone asks me out for a date, I will weigh it and give it consideration. I am going to spend my time NOT convincing anyone that I am love worthy. I am not asking anyone out. I am not enticing anyone to come for me or to me... NOPE that's over and I am going to be deliberate in paying attention to my behavior. There is no convincing in love. I do not need to convince anyone that I am love worthy.