The aloneness is overwhelming. So much so that I've taken up dating with gusto... posted my profile on a couple of popular dating sites. The last date, I put myself in harms way. I met this man online... we met at midnight for a quick glass of champagne...20 min conversation--oh so romantic. Good-bye until we meet again. We made plans to meet a few days later. Yes of course we talked on the phone endlessly and incessantly leading up to the first and second dates... at one of my favorite watering holes and he arrived late. He seemed weird, scattered. We sat down and the conversation was disjointed. He didn't seem really interested in connecting. 45 minutes later, I decided I had enough. He paid the check and asked if I would give him a ride to his car.. sure I say, he said he parked just down the street. He gets in my car I drive to his car... I unlock the door and say good night. He leans over and locks my door, puts his left hand on my back and begins rubbing my back. In a split second I knew I was in trouble or this was going to be a problem. I said firmly please get out of my car. He sat there and asked if he could give me a hug. I said NO... I don't know you. He offered his hand, I shook it and said a firm good night. For a split second I could tell he was thinking about pressing me further... weighing his chances. I think given where we were on a very busy street in a trendy bustling neighborhood was my saving grace. I drove off...deliberately driving out of my way to my house in case he was following me. I was so mad at myself. How could I be so stupid? So fucking trusting of a stranger? I know better. I realized in my haste for connection with someone I didn't protect myself. I am so desperate for a loveship that I just put myself in harm's way.
So these last few days have been illuminating. I have to do things a different way. I have to stop what I am doing. Clearly, I am not ready to take on the responsibility of dating and putting myself out there.
I think I have to give up the hope that there is a real possibility that all the love I've had in my life is all the love I am going to get and that is enough for 100 WOMEN!. I don't think anyone will ever come for me again. I have to just quit seeking.
I am in place I've never been in and I don't know how to get out of it. So, what I know to do is to retreat to my fortress of solitude. I need some time down. Heal myself. Be quiet.
Maybe I'll be back. Maybe not.
Good bye for now.
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5 comments:
All I can say is , Wow! I'm glad you're safe.
An incredible soul entered my world on Tuesday and told me that I would get through the trauma I am feeling. She told me that with every experience in life we become stronger and smarter. She told me to embrace the beautiful things and people in life. I was quite down prior to meeting her, she showed me through her smile, eyes and body language there is a light at the end of every tunnel. That person was you. This too will pass, lift yourself up and realize that trust you had is part of your amazing heart. It was not you being stupid but the man not being good enough for you. I'm glad you are safe. Love will find you when the time is right. You made a difference in my life in 2 hours and you probably didn't even know it. You are blessed. Sometimes we need quiet times to ourselves to reflect, but you will be back and okay. For now, know there are people who are truly touched by you. ��
Hang in there, sis. I shared a few stories of dismay with a girlfriend and she reminded me that imposters often show up before the one that will knock your socks of with unfathomable love. I hate that we're living in an era that challenges love and all it really means to the point of incapacitating our belief in what we really deserve. I'm trying to fight through the same disappointments too. You're not desperate, you simply want something that I believe is a birthright.
I'm glad you're safe. That's #1. Second, I don't think this mood of yours will last because you're so positive and also too cute and loving to end up alone. Dating sites suck sometimes, but you did the right thing. Just next time you'll know to be a little less kind and a little more cautious. A grown man should be safe walking to his car, a grown woman might not be safe letting him into hers if she doesn't know him. So, lesson learned.
Now, girl, get up off the floor and dance! :-) I love you.
I have to say that I find this post somewhat disturbing. Not because of the incident. That you are safe and relatively unscathed is most important! But incident aside the REST of this post seems like it was written by someone else. Whatever this is, you need to find your way out of it with the quickness. My advice to you is to keep writing your story as you have been. You seem to have made it to a good place. Stay there. If you want to make those connections, do. Just make sure you protect yourself at all times. If you do that you should be fine.
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