The aloneness is overwhelming. So much so that I've taken up dating with gusto... posted my profile on a couple of popular dating sites. The last date, I put myself in harms way. I met this man online... we met at midnight for a quick glass of champagne...20 min conversation--oh so romantic. Good-bye until we meet again. We made plans to meet a few days later. Yes of course we talked on the phone endlessly and incessantly leading up to the first and second dates... at one of my favorite watering holes and he arrived late. He seemed weird, scattered. We sat down and the conversation was disjointed. He didn't seem really interested in connecting. 45 minutes later, I decided I had enough. He paid the check and asked if I would give him a ride to his car.. sure I say, he said he parked just down the street. He gets in my car I drive to his car... I unlock the door and say good night. He leans over and locks my door, puts his left hand on my back and begins rubbing my back. In a split second I knew I was in trouble or this was going to be a problem. I said firmly please get out of my car. He sat there and asked if he could give me a hug. I said NO... I don't know you. He offered his hand, I shook it and said a firm good night. For a split second I could tell he was thinking about pressing me further... weighing his chances. I think given where we were on a very busy street in a trendy bustling neighborhood was my saving grace. I drove off...deliberately driving out of my way to my house in case he was following me. I was so mad at myself. How could I be so stupid? So fucking trusting of a stranger? I know better. I realized in my haste for connection with someone I didn't protect myself. I am so desperate for a loveship that I just put myself in harm's way.
So these last few days have been illuminating. I have to do things a different way. I have to stop what I am doing. Clearly, I am not ready to take on the responsibility of dating and putting myself out there.
I think I have to give up the hope that there is a real possibility that all the love I've had in my life is all the love I am going to get and that is enough for 100 WOMEN!. I don't think anyone will ever come for me again. I have to just quit seeking.
I am in place I've never been in and I don't know how to get out of it. So, what I know to do is to retreat to my fortress of solitude. I need some time down. Heal myself. Be quiet.
Maybe I'll be back. Maybe not.
Good bye for now.