And yet... permission was sought...without even realizing I was seeking permission. Permission seeking looks like fear. Permission seeking looks like making everyone around you comfortable with your decision to move forward. Permission seeking looks like going back and forth with a decision that you already have the answer to. Permission seeking looks like indecision, doubt, and scarcity.
I never felt as though I didn't have the permission to move forward. But in reality I sought the permission of of my audience... not my close friends and life cheerleaders. I wanted permission outside of my circle. I wanted a seal of approval to validate and give me legitimacy. What will "they" think? What will "they" say?
I know better now. But there are moments when I play to the audience without realizing it. In those moments I have to redirect my energy. God has granted permission to every good positive thing that works to my benefit. The minute permission seeking shows up, I immediately get to my questions... What am I afraid of? What is at the heart of this fear? I feel my way through the questions to get to the heart of the matter.
In the end, the only opinion that matters is mine. I have to stand in my courage to believe that I know what is best for myself moving forward. My intellect, emotional maturity and spiritual growth are amazing tools to create and execute a plan that brings me to the life of my dreams.
I give myself permission to dream, to ponder, to fail, to succeed, to try again, and try again some more. The permission I seek is a smoke screen, a mask, an illusion. Seeking permission is really code for fear, uncertainty and doubt.
The work continues. Prayers open me to share this with God. This Lenten Journey is very much about getting my spiritual garden ready... turning the soul, like soil, over for new plantings.
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... I spent a lot of time in the beginning of my journaling talking about how I never seemed to follow the status quo, not taking part in many of the activities that were socially expect of me, and even pursuing things that drew condemnation and allegations of my trying to be "white" and other statements to that effect. I never knew "why" I was drawn to what I was attracted by, but to cope with the issue I developed "imperial thinking", where I was able to make the choices that I felt were best for me and not ever once waiting for the validation or approval of others.
As long as something benefits you without infringing on anyone, you should not wonder wether or not something or someone is going to approve of any choice you make... it is only the obligation you have to yourself and that you should be concerned about... weigh everything against whether or not it is a positive for you and let nothing else matter..
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