Finding Myself

I held that belief often... disappearing would be best. I spent a lot of time exiling.  Sometimes I needed peace and quiet, most times because I was overwhelmed with everything and everyone.

Being found is romantic, but I have come to realize that being found is really an inner focus.  I wanted to find myself. I wanted to give myself permission to live the life of my dreams away from what other folks thought I should do.

Sometimes I thought I wanted to disappear, but all I really wanted was to find myself.

Quality Of Life Is The New Sexy!

I have never been one of those women who hides her age.  Every fucking year I get to breathe I am celebrating!

There is a real sense of maturity in me right now.  I feel free and ready to scale mountains.  I love the fact that my kids are getting older and moving toward becoming their own selves.  I mean, I got a decade left of parenting at this imntimate level... this will take me into my early 60's. this is why i am becoming obsessed with my health and well being.  I want to be HOT and spry and foxy and amazingly independent into my 60s, 70s, 80s to the grave.

Never before have I've been so acutely aware of my health... wanting to do all I can to ensure longevity and well being. I believe myself to be a FREED woman.  The thought of compromise just stresses my spirit. I can't abide taking direction from someone I don't think is strong, formidable, kind, aware, collected, or honest. Love on terms that are not equitable is not love at all. You gotta give to get... give without the thought of worry of getting.  Therein lies the rub... so many are horse traders.... I'll do if you do... I'll give if I see you're giving first.That's not negotiating, that hedging your bets. Keeping your irons in the fire while you cultivate something just in case shit goes wrong.

I've had enough of horse trading.  I want full love.  Big juicy love. My renewed love affair with my health fuels the desire for true love. This leg of the journey may require support if I fall ill. So if horse trading is the deal, then someone will lose. I'm done with losing.

In three months I'll be 51... this makes me Happy! It makes me happy because, I am different at 50 than I was at 40, 30, 20, 10! I get it on levels that I had no idea existed.  My patience for bullshit is 0. Zero tolerance for bullshit, half-truths and self sacrificing dreams masquerading as love and commitment. I am not interested in that anymore. I can't be sold that half assed bill of goods again.

My health is the priority moving forward. Quality of life is the new sexy! I truly get it and will dedicate my life to the pursuit of happiness, good health and LOVE!

50 is feeling damn good... this era of middle age is HOT and baby, I couldn't be more ready!

He's Gone. I am Here. Love Remains.

At 50 I have learned to accept that sadness is a part of being alive.  That hurt feelings, lost love and a broken heart are reminders of the breath I take and what the depth of being alive is all about.

My first instincts are always to run away and hide out... I am the queen of self imposed exile.  But this time I am going to press through fully embracing the fear, pain and heartache.  Now I know how to press through.  This time I mean press through with a real awareness of the pain and fear and heart ache.

It is not the same kind of leaving that Mr. Exhusband did.  With the Potential Mr. Babz I was not surprised or caught off guard.  The Potential Mr. Babz leaving was really a formal announcing of never really being here.  He was never here.  He was never with me. He was never with us.  From where I sat, which was up close and personal, he never fully arrived.  He never fully unpacked. He had a different plan that he tried to talk himself out of under the guise of self-sacrificing for my sake.  He thought it was love, but I knew it to be fear.

Once I shifted my thinking from blaming him, I began to realize that this was also his opportunity to exhale and be let off the hook of caring for a potential wife and ready made family. To me it always felt as if he was constantly saying "this is as good a  place to dwell as any"  I could feel that truth hanging around us.  He was not here and no matter how hard I tried to ignore my heart, mind and intuitive self, the fact remained.  Being with me was not where he truly wanted to be. I have no idea where he truly wanted to be or with who. Only he can answer that and I suspect for him therein lies the fear. I will always love him.  I have since I was 15 years old.

The truth is quite liberating when we allow it to be. I spent these last few years struggling in a relationship that had run its course. I see some of the lessons that I needed to bring to the forefront... deep hidden painful truths that needed the light of day. I have a clearer understanding of what kind of man would feed my spirit as well as excite me. I know fully what I have to offer and it is plenty and enough.

I have decided not to spend any more time lamenting a broken heart.  If anything I am preparing to open it wider. I was made to be loved. So this truth-telling is all there will be on this matter.  He's gone. I am here. Love remains.

“I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.”
― Audre Lorde

How Do I Love Me, Let Me Count The Ways

How Do I love Me? Let me count the ways.
I love that I am unafraid to fly to new heights. I am not afraid to look into the depth of my soul and find peace.

I marvel at my resilience. I honor my brave heart.

I love that I love to laugh...big, hearty and bawdy!

I love that I am fearless. I cannot and will not be contained, controlled or confined by my thoughts and or by the thoughts of others.

I love the ever evolving definition of who I am.

I love my big passion.  There is no shame in desire and sensuality. I am at home naked.

I love my dreams and my fantasies. I love seeing the world through rose colored glassses.

I love the way I think. I love the way I am raising my children.

I love that I have no desire for perfection in anything. I do not beleive in aspiring to perfection... that is a fools journey.

I love that I allow love to fill my senses... through song, wine, friends, and poetry. I am an artist.  I love that I am an artist.

Today I declare that my love for me is unyielding. I will never again invite doubt, and negative talk to interfere with my love affair of myself. I will never again accept someone's manipulation and try to call it love.

Who I am right now is good enough.  I am worthy of love.  I am enough I am enough I am enough.

I can feel time embracing me... whispering, be love right now...be happy right now... You are loved as you are right now.

There is more, oh so much more.

"For Women Who Are Difficult to Love" - written and performed by Warsan Shire

*****
"For Women Who Are Difficult to Love" - written and performed by Warsan Shire

You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.
****
Director, Producer : Andrea Cortes-Juarbe & Christine Mehr
Editor: Christine Mehr
Co-Editor: Andrea Cortes-Juarbe
Special thanks - Lauren Stanton, Sara'o Bery, Ada Pinkston, Isa Nakazawa
Audio mashed by Christine Mehr
Instrumental track - Zoe Keating's "Sun Will Set."

"For Women Who Are Difficult to Love" - written and performed by Warsan Shire

Warsan Shire - "For Women Who Are Difficult To Love" from MovingOn & StereoOpticon on Vimeo.

I Am The Captain And I am Heading Back Out To Sea

The Potential Mr. Babz has left the building...Again.  I am relieved.  I am happy.  Of course sad too and broken-hearted.  I mean there was great deal of time invested.  But at last, we just couldn't make it work.  No matter what I did it was never enough.  It just felt like a long audition for a marriage that was never going to happen.  I just got tired of auditioning.

So I spent a few days giving up on love... truer love.  I starting priming myself for a life of solitude and celibacy. Down with love!

And then I realized, that's not what I want to do! I am all for love and I can remain open to it! Just because this loveship sank, doesn't mean I can't get back into the open seas. I own myself. I can feel whatever I want and change my mind to change my life.

I am a woman made for love. Built for love. Loves being in love. I don't have to hold to anyone's expectations or criticisms or nay-saying. I know exactly how I want to live and love. And just because that ship has sailed, only means there is more room in the port for a new ship to sail in.

I am not going to walk around sad and mad. It didn't work out for a great many reasons. It's over.

I am acutely aware of my mortality. I am not going to get another 50 years to work this life out.  I gotta make the best of everything right now.  I gotta live boldly and grandly right now. So whatever the lessons from this last sinking loveship I gladly take with me as I move back into open waters. I am excited about my life and I am excited about the woman I am becoming and I am exciting about who I am right now.

I am the captain of this ship and I am not looking for someone to man the helm, I am open to inviting someone who wants to sail with me... some days as the captain and some days as the first mate. I am heading back out to sea stronger with an adventurous spirit and a happy heart.

I've come a long way and learned so much.  This is a testament to all the books and webinars and motivational sayings I've gathered and filled my spirit with.  I am in charge of my being. I can feel and move through anything. Nothing breaks me anymore.  God has my back.

Talking to My Heart. Listening to My Heart.

“Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist 

I am still in my "The Alchemist" mood. I love when I am connected to a book. Connected in a way that I can feel my life shifting.  It is really amazing the clarity I've gained. It is the kind of insight that was buried deep within.  I second guessed myself, I stopped listening to my heart.

Why did I do that?  Listening to my heart has served me well my entire life.  My heart and intuition were God's connection to me and I stopped listening.  When the pain of things became so loud, I did all that I could to drown out the truth. I fucked up.  Now to recover and regroup and put my world back right.

Now that the fog is clearing I love the view.  I have always loved the view of my freedom.  The freedom to dream as big and as wide as I wanted to! How did I let that go?  I thought I was trading my freedom for love and happiness, but really it was stress, nagging, unhappiness and inequity. I knew this in my deepest part of my heart and soul, but I insisted on pressing on in madness. I did not trust my innerself.  I did not trust the truth. The energy that I invited in came with its own set of hopes, dreams and wishes.  They didn't however compliment mine. I came away feeling used, undermined and manipulated.  That is truth. It is my truth.  My experience.  My heart spilling out and telling me this is what it was.

Oh the fears are great. I had no idea they were so deeply entrenched.  I thought I was beyond that kind of fear.  I thought the shiny thing was real gold. And when I realized it wasn't gold, I tried my best to settle for the "fools gold".

I have thrown out the worst of the criticisms hurled at me. I am no longer paying for that kind of bullshit. And I will never again shut down my heart and intuition at the mere suggestion of someone who has not lived the very message they are using as a weapons against me and others. 

My heart has served me well.  My intuition has served me well.  I will never doubt what I know and feel ever again. There is nothing more sacred than my freedom.  The love that comes my way will welcome that, embrace it and encourage it.

I am talking to my heart.  I am listening to myself. Unafraid.