Nancy Wilson (Someone to Watch Over Me)

Fancy Nancy Wilson....Butter for your soul.

lyrics are written by George & Ira Gershwin)

Theres a somebody Im longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone to watch over me
Im a little lamb whos lost in the woods 
I know it could be oh so good 
To be someone to watch over me
Although he may not be the man 
Some girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Wont you tell him please to put on some speed
Oh, how I need someone to watch over me
Where is that someone to watch over me?

LESSONS LEARNED AND MORE WHINING....

The level of criticism I throw at myself is outrageous.  It is so insidious that I don't even notice it while rushing through my day.  I don't even catch myself when I am rattling off in my head all the things that are wrong with me.  From worrying about losing weight, having enough money for basic shit, how am I going to keep this house.  I spend too much time thinking if I am drinking too much, or not eating enough fruits and vegetables.  I am due for an eye exam, and gynecological exam that I have to pay for because I don't have health insurance. Oh and I have to get back to my Dr. for a 6 month check-up for high blood pressure.  I am juggling all these 'have-to's" and trying not to have them crash and hit me in the head or worse throw more balls in the air!

So what have I learned in the last 3 years or so?  That peace is deliberate.  Love is deliberate.  Love and peace begin within.  That's it.  A simple message.  A simple shift in the way I think and go about the world.  Love and peace begin within. 

Paying attention to one's life is really paying attention to the smallest of smallest details.  It is the discipline of training your mind to be quiet and shut off the negative internal talk.  The big things in my life get the attention easily.  It is those seemingly small things that are left unattended to.

I am cutting myself some slack.  I know I haven't been disciplined, or kept my word on losing weight, or scaling back indulgences.  And I have been stubborn and whiny.  But still, I am cutting myself some slack.  I appreciate pressing on....soldering on....no pain, no gain.  I swear I just need to cut myself some slack.  Maybe this is more whining.  I am sure it is.  But for now that's all I want to do.  Tomorrow I am sure will be different as I continue to shift my thinking and move in that direction.

WHAT I KNOW RIGHT NOW....

1. The path ahead doesn't need perfect illumination, just my willingness to take one step at a time.
2. My opinion matters.
3. I know what the fuck I am doing....sometimes.
4. Love has no conditions.
5. I like who I see when I am looking at me!
6. I love fancy and simple foods equally.
7. I love a cold beer often.
8. No one can tell me how to be 47.
9. I love my alone time.
10. I enjoy having dinner in swanky restaurants with no one but my own company.
11. I like movies by myself too.
12. I love great sex...all the time!
13. I have a big imagination.
14. I daydream every chance I get.
15. I buy lottery tickets.
16. I really like champagne.
17. I do not wear stockings or pantyhose...will wear tights in winter only.
18. I like my own touch on my body.
19. I am in awe at being called mommy.
20. I love love love music...all kinds of music.
21. I adore my friends.
22. My sister is my bestest friend on the planet.
23. I love Ron.
24. I miss being married.
25. I love going to my church.
26. I don't have to beg anyone for attention, affection or love.
27. I really don't like meetings.
28. I can be short tempered.
29. I love my late 40's...being 47.
30. There are things I wished I just didn't do.
31. I love romantic films.
32. I like watching football, basketball, tennis, and NASCAR (shrugs)
33. I really like disco music...OOOO-OOOO..OOOUUP!
34. I love blogging.
35. I love my blog family.
36. I want to see Paris.
37. I know real joy.
38. I don't like sleeping late.
39. I love lots of blankets...even in summer.
40. I love soaking in the tub.
41. I love candle light.
42. I really don't like religious zealots.
43. I don't like bullies and I get they need attention.
44. I think so-called reality shows are hilarious and scary.
45. That prayer works.
46. Love heals.
47. Forgiveness is critical for positive personal growth and peace.
48. I don't like pets.
49. I love big earrings that dangle.
50. Peace is not in some far off place, but in the very center of me.  It houses love.  Yes peace is the framework that allows love to expand.

EXCUSES ARE THE TOOLS OF THE DEVIL

I am full of shit right now.  I am so excuse driven that I almost believe I can't do anything except make an excuse. I have such big dreams in my heart and mind, but when its time to take that leap of faith, I slink back to my cave...the inner recesses of my mind.  You would have thought I have never accomplished anything in my life.  But somehow I am feeling like I am in my own way and can't get past myself.

I do not believe I am having a mid-life crisis.  I don't think I am having a mental health break-down.  I do suspect that perhaps depression is making its way back into town and looking me up for old times sake.  I have learned a thing or two about myself over these last few years and I would say depression is trying to vacation in my space.

All the old tools don't work, I have to arm myself with a new box of tools for this new slick and witty and seductive form of depression.  It doesn't ask me to do dangerous stuff or harm myself.  It says: you are doing too much, rest, stop dreaming, settle, go along with the grain. You don't want to swim up stream do you?  Eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink, eat, eat.  Tomorrow work out or walk.  Tomorrow do something different.  Right now indulge you, feed you.  Make yourself feel better now. Excuses are the tools of the devil and I have been accepting his gifts.

The old me would have been totally seduced... easily and readily falling into old habits. The transitioning me knows better.  Oh yeah some of the seduction has been successful.  That's why I am lamenting.  That's why I am sharing and purging my soul.

I am going to bed armed with prayers and positive affirmations.  I am jumping out this bed in the morning and I am chasing the devil back into the ether.  What is required is sound sleep.  Peaceful rest and a deep abiding belief in knowing that I have all that I need for this part of my journey.  God has my back for sure.

I cannot and must not entertain this seductive menace. I've got things to do and love to make. I am keeping the faith for sure.

Train - Marry Me

This is one of my favorite songs. It is so sweet and I just love the way he sings it so softly. Adding this to the soundtrack of my life.

UP DOWN UP DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AGAIN AND UP

There are days when I am running around in circles.  Like yesterday shuttling kids to various points between here and there, I felt like I was driving for 10,0000000 hours!  I was exhausted at the end of the day.  So here I am up and running again. It's a new day.  Today is not a circle day, today is a square kinda day.  I have a bit more room in my day to tackle Babz stuff.

Up down up down and up and down again and up.  This is my life.  Glorious in its totality.  Exhausting in the blow away moments when I am not present or too present and I am whining about the smallest of smallest shit.  When the kids are like a rash, making me itch by the sound of their voices.  This is the being down part.  This is the stuff that makes you yell at them at the top of your lungs and they look at you with annoyance... dear God Mommy is having ANOTHER meltdown.

Working at the computer while they...my cherubs are in the den watching mindless TV, every so often I hear their laughter in unison...they all find something funny? Imagine that.  I take it all in and my heart feels like its going to jump wide open.  This is that mommy moment of pure love and delight in my kids. This is the UP part.

Mr. Beloved and I are at odds.  We don't seem to speak the same language or hear each other.  It's like he's across the world and we're talking with tin cans and strings. This is the down part.

He comes back around with a different strategy, one that comes with an olive branch and hugs and more hugs and kisses. This is the Up again part.

This is how life is.  You coast along for a bit and then a bump, or a hiccup, or miscommunication. I fall up and fall down.  I love as best as I can hoping that Mr. Beloved has the strength to endure and hang on for both of us.  I cherish my kids, they have saved my life in ways they will never know.  This is a lot of love I have around me.  It's big, complicated and messy and joyous. There is nothing more divine than right now. I feel fearless.  It's been a long time since I felt this moment of gratitude.  I feel so possible and that's the UP part again.