STANDING IN THE NEED OF PRAYER

I am tired. I am tired of everything and everybody. Yep I am feeling low. This is my favorite time of the year and I am usually good at beating back the demons. I am usually caught up in the throngs of holiday cheer, Peace On Earth God Will Toward People...damn it. Right now I am not feeling cheerful. I am feeling overwhelmed and alone and afraid. Afraid that I am not capable, not able, not very warrior-like. I am allowed I hope to vent and feel blue. I will of course kick the blues to the curb and get up swinging...tomorrow--I am good at that. But right now I am wounded, the battle is starting to pierce my resolve. I can feel myself laying down for the count. It is the aloneness of the world that has got me by the throat. It is feeling like I DON"T want to fight ANYMORE. The romantic optimist is feeling like a hater-pessimist. AAArggh! The aloneness can sometimes be crippling to the spirit. Today for me it's crippling, because right now I am doubting my ability to stand still and let GOD do the handiwork. I am tired and I am afraid and I am crying. Perhaps this is my only way to salvation and grace--being brought low before I can soar high. Pray for me and my desperate self. "It's me, It's me oh Lord standing in the need of Prayer"

HONEY PLEASE, MAMA IS COOKING

It is Wednesday...Thanksgiving Eve. I am so organized and so on point that I am basking in my badd self! I just finished cooking my sweet potatoes for pies...yes pies made with Grande Marnier. My turkey is ready, my stuffing with sausage is done. My brother Roberts' fiancee is making mac and cheese and a turkey ham...yes it is to die for! She is also making a cake. I picked up a pecan pie. My church put together a basket for me that included another pie--pumpkin, a turkey and all the fixings--I am donating most of the stuff because I have been so blessed with so much, but it was so wonderful of them to think of me!. I have all my libations--wine, beer and I am making a punch for the kids. I am so proud I stuck to my tight budget.

I invited my estranged husband...3 fucking times and he turned me down, he would rather sit in a diner with strangers. Oh well, if he prefers that to eating with his kids...fuck him. I am feeling too good right now to stress over his madness. I am really in my element. The holidays are so incredible. I love all that peace on earth, goodwill toward men/people!

Yesterday I had a divine lunch with the most engaging Sister I have met in a long time. Our paths have divinely crossed and I am grateful.. She is someone I know God meant for me to catch up to. Her sage words were healing and thoughtful. I don't think she knows how far she has carried me in my personal development...sitting and spending time with her was like having crib notes on my right now life.

I am so Thankful. And prayers for the incredibly spirited women graciously doing their time at Danbury Prison Camp. I hold them and their families all in prayer.

Happy Thanksgiving!

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL IS LEARNING TO LOVE ONE'S SELF

I have been battling weight for quite sometime. OK not really. I sort of just let the weight arrive little by little until one day I looked at myself and WOW! I am really heavy. Heavier than I want to be. I was fine as a full-figured beauty--size 18 was OK, but now I am just Obese--size 26/28. I weigh 278 lbs. I am 5'8 I need to lose at least 100lbs. I realize that if I don't take care of me, love me that I will be doomed to die at an early age like my mother at 58, her sister at 40, their mother -my grandmother 60. My Dr. once asked me:"what are you doing to change that fate for yourself" Hhmmm...I don't know I answered. Then he said you got to lose weight! I have high blood pressure, I am close to having diabetes, and I am always tired and I drink too much alcohol. No I am not falling down drunk, nor am I drinking to oblivion. However I could cut back.

Being raped as a child by my Father and then having him sell me for sex to others was very traumatic and I believe has a lot to do with why I am carrying all this weight. Now I am an adult and what was done to me, was done and I have made some peace with that. However there is a part of me that is hiding behind this weight. I know this. And I know I have to deal with it. I can't in good conscience continue to talk about love when I am not fully in love with myself. I have to fall in love with myself. And that means taking greater care of myself. I have little kids and if I want to see them all graduate from college and I do, then I have to love myself more than I already do to lose this weight.

And then there's the vanity issue: I am getting divorced and at some point I will want to date and have mind-blowing sex. There is no way I can think about that now; but I want to be ready. I want to be game ready! I want to be fit and fabulous. I want to love myself more and have it show. So today I am making my plan. I am resurrecting my on-line support group that I started 2 years ago, I am making a timeline. I am going to really make this year my last year living fat! I am going to date me, I am going to pamper me, I am going to support me, I am going to love me MORE!

Totally Fabulous Award

My Sister-Friend Lisa McGlaun over at http://compassionate-news.blogspot.com/ awarded me the Totally Fabulous Award! See to the right of your screen! I was so pleased by this, because 1) it was unexpected and 2) I needed it after the last few days. Lisa McGlaun's blog is all about good news and good things in her life and in the world. So you know I am a huge fan of hers. As promised I am passing the award forward to a few blogs that I love a lot!

My Sister-Friend Laurie http://www.notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com/ she is amazing! I am lifted every time I visit her blog.
http://www.confessionsofabottleblonde.blogspot.com/ talk about a good time, this Chick is hip, cool and funny all at the same time.
http://www.thethinkingblackman.blogspot.com/ I know this Brother will not put a pink award on his blog...or maybe he will, anyway he has a fine mind and thinks passionately about the affairs of the world and Black folks in particular.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: AT SOME POINT YOU HAVE TO GET ON WITH IT

My life is amazing. Extraordinary even. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. There are times when I want to lay down and die. I mean just check out and not do another thing. But I can't. I love living way too much. I am who I am and nothing changes. It never occurs to me that I won't fall in love again. It never occurs to me that I won't have mind-blowing sex again. I will and I shall! Don't get me wrong I am firmly rooted in the NOW. But I am a romantic optimistic so I just believe what I need will come my way...it always has. So my faith NOT is being challenged at all. I know what I know...GOD is real and sustains. I am fearless in my everyday life--even when I am not sure how. Even when I am at my breaking point which is every other day--I know GOD has my back. And, I do know I am being prepared for the greater part of my life. The greater calling of self. I know there is much to be done in this life--my life. I am refusing to surrender to regret. I am moving forward in my faith with the loving belief that I am blessed and loved and loved.
It has been a tough few days but I am recovering. My bounce back time is becoming less and less longer. At some point you just have to get on with it...and I am.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY:THE POWER OF FILM:TYLER PERRY'S "WHY DID I GET MARRIED?"

My Girlfriend Robin and I went to see Tyler Perry's movie "Why Did I get Married?" Robin has seen it , but was more than willing to see it again with me. Now this post isn't a review of the movie. It is about how the film affected me. There is a scene in the movie when the Jill Scott character has just learned her husband was cheating and tells her he is leaving her. The Jill Scott character is talking to another fine man in the movie who has taken her up to this beautiful bluff somewhere in Colorado. Anyway he tells her this is where he comes to work out his issues,to pray, scream, whatever. She says to him that her ex-husband is her life, and she can't live without him, he is everything or something to that affect. The minute she utters those words, I saw myself. I saw myself thinking the same thing when my husband walked out on me and our children. Now prior to seeing this movie on Sunday, my estranged husband let me know that he has been cheating since July. And has gone out on date(s), while I was in prison camp. Of course I was sick with tears and overwhelmed with heartache yet again. WAIT! now here comes the grace: The tears were cleansing and the film was affirmation of that. Seeing that woman in that state of mess allowed me to see my own being. I am on the right path. This blog and all these posts reflect that. I have grown and you can see it. I am moving forward. I have moved forward. Thanks to Tyler Perry for helping me do that...who knew.

TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR...

Since we are in the season of thanksgiving , I am grateful for:

1. My sister Lo who keeps me grounded and supported--she is the best woman I know and if ever I was trapped in a fox hole she is the one I would want with me, if I was ever stranded on a deserted island she and a good bottle of tequila and aspirin and a Oprah magazine would be all I need to survive;
2. My children, God knew exactly what he was doing when he placed them in my care--they have rescued me, healed me and shown me unconditional true love;
3. My brothers Robert & Michael--men of great strength and courage, they have been watching my back since they were 7 & 8 years old. I admired them;
4. My best girlfriends Robin and Karen & Bette in Seattle and Ruth FTB in Nashville, every woman ought to have sister-friends to hold them up and push them forward;
5. My minister Reverend Dr. Shelly, what an amazing woman. I know God needed her to be in my life to help steer me forward;
6. My blog community. I am in love with you all--(see to the right of my blog all my favorite sites) these folks blog about things that capture your heart and give pause to your place in the world;
7. my church family, they are amazing people, they never tire of helping and giving and praying and fellowship;
8. All the spirited women I met while serving 29 days in Danbury Prison Camp--I didn't know what grace was until I was in community with these women;
9. My ability to choose love at every turn; I know who I am and I like me more and more each day;
10. My Dearest and Bestest friend Ron, who for the past 18 years has been my touch stone, my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, my voice of reason, my cold slap, my biggest fan. His friendship has taught me so much about love and commitment and friendship. I've not met a more honorable, kind and generous man than him.