Nancy Wilson - That's What I Want For Christmas (Capitol Records 1963)

At Home In the Words I write...I've missed Blogging

These days of Summer are sweet and fleeting. I've been away too long. Away from this blog. This holy place where I live on the words I conjure.

So much goodness and chaos still surrounds me. I am happy about this... There is more goodness than chaos. Finally.

I am working on goals without reservation and without stop gaps. Some things still cause me grief and some things bring me great joy. I own it all with a grateul heart. I remain acutely aware of the passing of time. Running out of time hangs on the periphery. No, I am not consumed by the passing of time. However there is a sense of urgency still. I want to hurry and do all the things.

I saw the great Freddy Cole the other night in concert... He sang I'll always leave the door a little open. Sublime. I can't stop singing it. It feels like where I am these days. He sings it in homage to Lena Horne, his favorite singer. She sings it hauntingly and beautifully.  For me its not about the things of regret, or the foolishness of things hung onto too long. It just speaks to possibilities. That's it.

Clearing my path while I am alive.

I have been thinking about my things after my death...What would happen to them? Could my children handle the getting rid of my things? I don't think I want them to do that. I want to do it while I am fully alive.

I want to live with less. I want a smaller space. I want only the things that bring me absolute pleasure and joy. I want to live lighter. I want to think and feel lighter.  I'd like to try on minimalism... Or something close to it.

Lighter in many things. I signed up for adult swim. Golf lessons. Possibly tennis and perhaps will set up a basketball meet-up for old birds like myself who may have a little hoop dust left. And tennis with the unboyfriend.

Back to sorting and getting rid of things that I have collected over the years. Things that have long since lost their value to me. Getting rid of things that have seen better days. Getting rid of things that belonged to folks no longer in my circle and will never be again.

I feel like I am shedding my past and preparing for a future I never knew I wanted. I am aging and the world looks different. I want to be different in it. My children are becoming who they are and I must become who I am becoming.

Some of this is clutter. Some of it is here because it never got discarded. And some of it was quite comforting to have around. All of these truths have to be worked through and then abandoned.

I am turning 55 on May 2. I swear I feel differently. I can feel a sense of freedom just over the horizon. I feel my best days are ahead. Lighter days and uncluttered days are seeking to be my reality.

So this life is transitioning again. I am here for it!

It's Still Lent? (My Lenten Journey 2018 such that it is)

I knew I wasn't going to march into Lent with a plan. I am spiritually tired of the politics of the day. What does this mean? I am known for keeping a spiritual center and at the moment I am out of spiritual sorts. Actually, I am good and damn mad and I don't know how to make space for my anger and God. Oh, I know God can handle my anger. God is bigger than my imagination and anger.

This anger is twisted up with a whole lot of things that need to be unraveled. Children, money, health, lovers, community, and work. The politics of the day has upturned the apple cart and as I go to pick up the apples, I find there are oranges, and lemons and bananas and melons all spilled out. So I stand there lamenting the mess.

This is the state of my spiritual wellbeing. Looking at God with all this mess spilled out. How many times can I keep picking up my stuff off the ground?  Weariness. Anger.  Gawd, it's still Lent, compounding my angst. Like now, I didn't even want to write a post about lamenting Lent. Which isn't really about lamenting Lent...Just my current spiritual desert that is happening in the season of Lent. 

What to do? Asking what to do is a good sign for me... Denotes hope! There is still a spiritual mustard seed within.

Now to find my spiritual joy.

A Woman of Many Umbrellas

I am indeed a woman of many umbrellas. This has been so, as far back as I can remember. I've never done just "one" thing. I always had my hands and feet in this, that or the other. I am curious by nature. I learn by doing. I love by doing.

I used to be harsh on myself... Why can't I just excel at one thing. Why did I have so many interests. Didn't I just want to perfect one set of skills? Never! I could never just be about one thing. I was always peeking around corners and underneath a stairwell. If there was some new thing calling my heart, I'd run like the devil to it and throw myself into until I got what I wanted and then on to the next thing.

I can cook. I can write. I can sing. I dance. I create. I've made a living doing all manner of things big and small. Here I am on the verge of turning 55! I don't seem to be slowing down. I actually feel like I must rush full speed ahead. Not in a frenzied way, but deliberate and wide open. Maturity gifts you with a different sense of urgency. I have a clarity that serves me...I heed my intuition.

I find myself these days, full. Doing work and projects that push my creative juices to the absolute living end and I love it. It's raining projects, and social interactions and love. Up goes the umbrellas, not to ward off all this joy but to catch it!

What am I willing to Do For Myself?

Or, why the fuck am I not taking better care of myself?

I am in that category of “a woman of a certain age”… Hell, I am 54. I turn 55 May 2, 2018. I love my birthday. Those in my circle all around the world know how much I love my birthday. So, you would think I would be in the best of health, seeing how I love living another year and celebrating such every year.

It’s as if I am oblivious to the fact that I am human and need tending to. I am not the focus of myself. This is not a new lament. It shows up as weight loss efforts. It shows up as “I gotta get more sleep” because I only get about 4 hours a night. It shows up in managing high blood pressure and all the other “what ails me” shit.

I know what needs to be done. I am not at a loss for information and support and, Gawd, more information. I don’t seem to be able to “self-help” myself into any consistency or discipline. Why can't I just focus and press through? Why is this so fucking hard.

I've blogged about this over the years... My blog archives are filled with posts about motivation, dedication, moving as I see fit. Here I am back to being stuck. Maybe some of this is New Year pressure. Some it could be self-worth shit rearing up again.

I may be mixing two very different things into one bowl. What does taking care of myself really mean? And would I recognize the efforts? What is good health for me? Maybe I have too many unrealistic health goals that have nothing to do with health. I gotta think about this from a different perspective. In the meantime, I'll make a plan.

I'll keep you posted.

All The Good and More

Happy New Year! I made it! Hahaha! I am not surprised. 2017 was the most fun I've had in decades!

Last year it kicked off with the building of a Squad (Sorors Michelle and Markeshia) and from there we rolled everywhere. Three women... Sorors, up for adventures where the days took us. From a lavender farm, sunflower farm, birthday party in NYC, a vegan chocolatier and a reset in Jamaica. I rolled far and wide. Oh, and cigars and Scotch and more cigars and live music and wine, wine, wine.

2018 will not disappoint. So far it hasn't! I did the Polar Plunge for Parks... I jumped into the Long Island Sound on New Year's Day! It was 7 degrees outside. Below freezing in the Sound. Yeah. I did that crazy shit. Setting the tone for the new year. Jumped into my fears and walked the hell out victoriously!

There is so much I wanted to do in this life and I feel like now is the time to launch all the dream projects. All my hopes and dreams are so intimately connected that everything feels and moves seamlessly. A fluidity I am in command of.

I have two resolutions...I have no intentions of sharing them or speaking about them. This is the year of execution. ACTION! I wrote about the not telling of the resolutions over at my Medium site. Yes, I've been hanging out over there talking about relationships. Anyway, in the words of that great prophet The Godfather of Soul James Brown "Watch me! I got soul and I'm super bad".  I do indeed feel all of that!

Happy 2018. So much behind me and so much ahead. I am in the here and now doing my dreams.

Season of Advent Day 1... Season of Hope and Expectation

I am a woman for Christmas. I am in love with the story of the birth of Christ... The lone star, the Wise men, no room at the inn and a mother waiting with hope and prayers.

What are you waiting for? What is it that would bring you joy? Are you where you want to be? Who's with you? Who has your back? Name your Squad.

This time of year is more than pregnant with glad tidings. Folks are suffering. Many suffering alone. I know this, I have been this. I have sat alone with goodbye letters addressed and stamped. I have sat with loaded gun and tears. I have sat with pills in a bowl ready to swallow.  How do we help ourselves and each other? How do we get to the next day. How do we hold onto a hope that feels like sand slipping through our fingers?

What lessons can Advent tell us? Give us? There is power in waiting and anticipating. What am I giving birth to in my life? Am I using my talents for good? Am I lamenting unnecessarily in my own bullshit? I have in the past. Who am I today? And what do I know now?

These are sweet days of anticipation for me. I am standing in a good place. No, all the challenges I am facing are still very present. What has changed, is my reaction to them. Let the chips fall where they may... I've done all I could do. I am doing what I can to champion myself above the fray of losing in this world. Happiness and joy can and does exist in between the margins of lack, loss and despair.

This season of Advent calls us as Christians to the season of hope and expectation. This delights me, and gives me pause for good things ahead. Not for fairy tale endings... But for fortitude and strength to press on with the belief that God is with us always. And always we are God's beloved.

Let us explore this season of Advent with great expection and hope. Let's see where goodwill and love will take us.

Amen.

10 Years Ago... The Return Of Babz

10 years ago today I was released from Danbury Federal Prison Camp. My SisterLo blogged the month for me while I was serving my time. My children, Briana was 10, Gregory was 9, Khalil was 6 and Margeaux was 5 years old. They were so young and brave. I still get teary just remmbering the day I came home and how Margeaux jumped out of the car and ran crying into my arms. She missed me... They all missed me and I truly missed them!

Here is the post my SisterLo wrote in anticpation of my return:

The Return Of Babz

Thank you SisterLo for hgolding down this blog 10 years ago!

All of this is squarely behind me. There will be no more rememberences of this time. No more blog posts, no more marking the anniversary (Okay maybe at the 20 year point). But from here on out, I remain free and happy! Thank you all for coming along on this journey.

Ten Years Ago... Faith Forward Firday (Saturday): Holler If You Hear Me...

This was for yesterday 10/27/17

10 years ago my SisterLo blogged in my stead while I was away serving 30 days at Danbury Federal Prsion Camp.

I found this post quite interesting. My SisterLo never took to church the way I have. So this post is extraordinary.

Here is the link:

Faith Forward Friday (Saturday): Holler If You Hear Me...

10 Years Ago... Opportunity Knocked And Broke Down My Door

On this day 10 years ago my SisterLo blogged in my stead while I was away serving time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp.

I found her posts to be not only personal, but quite insightful and they certainly stand the test of time.

Here is the link to that 10/25/2007 post:

Opportunity Knocked And Broke Down My Door...

10 Years Ago Today...Rambling Thoughts About... Road Rage?

I remain very grateful that my SisterLo blogged for me while I was away serving 30 day (29 days) at Danbury Federal Prison Camp.

On this day 10 years ago, she blogged what was in her head...

Here's the link:

Rambling Thoughts About... Road Rage?

10 years ago Today... True Love Tuesday: Love Money Can Buy

10 years ago my SisterLo held down this blog while I served time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. Today is October 16 and this is what she posted 10 years ago. 

Click on the link:


True Love Tuesday: Love Money Can Buy

10 Years Ago.... Faith Forward Friday: Ask and Ye Shall Recieve... To a Point

The October 12, 2007 Post by my SisterLo while I was away serving time at Dambury Federal Prison Camp.

Sustatinable weath... Blessings and other opportunities. I so love the way my Sister writes!

Faith Forward Friday: Ask and Ye shall Recieve... To a point. 

10 Years Ago Today...True Love Tuesday: What Do You Want…Today?

My SisterLo blogged all of October in my place while I was serving my time at Danbury Federal Prison Camp. In celebration and rememberence I am posting links to her posts on the very days she blogged!

This is the post 10 years ago today by her:

True Love Tuesday: What Do You Want...Today?

10 Years ago Today... Faith Forward Friday: That's the Truth Ruth

10 years ago I was tucked away at Danbury Federal Prison Camp... My Sister Lo blogged in my stead!

Here is October 5, 2007!

Faith Forward Friday: That's the Truth Ruth

10 Years ago Today... Sister Lo And True Love Tuesday ( really Thursday)

While I was away serving my time... My Sister Lo held down this blog for 30 days!  Even now I am still surprised and impressed with her commitment to doing it!  I had a recurring theme for Tuesdays... True Love Tuesdays. She kept it up, choosing football! And let me tell you football at her house with her hubby is a real thing! Like don't call their house during football season! For real!


Here's Lo's post:

True Love Tuesday (On a Thursday) Are You Ready For Some Football?

10 years ago today...

10 years ago today, I surrendered to Danbury Prison Camp to serve a 30 day sentence. My Sister Lo blogged here in my stead. So, I decided to repost all her posts from that time!  She's a very good writer/blogger!

Here is the link:
What the Hell is Snarky?

Happy Fall!

These Summer Fall Days...

I just grew into being resolved about not dating.
Not stressing about children.
Not worrying about what is next.

I am enjoying the sweet moments of now. Oh yes, there are long range plans and short term goals and changing course and new intentions and dream chasing.

Always dream chasing.

The aloneness is not vast and scary. It has a new definition... I can do what I want.

I am shedding shoulds and embracing maybes and yeses! Saying resolute no's when I feel like saying no. No second guessing and certainly no guilt. No is a complete sentence. And means the same in every language.

Everyday I ask...What is possible? And I set off running to find out.

The din of voices who are contrary to my dreams and wishes fall on my deaf ears. I can't hear them. I have a bigger voice and a stronger song. I am living loudly.

I used to listen to (hims, thems, theys, ya'lls) with a longing to be wanted... Configuring my heart and soul into their desired thing. Ha, how absurd was I? Atlas, I am so done with raking myself over the coals for my choices made in fear. Instead, I forgive myself and move on.

October is coming... For me, that loaded month of memory and new opportunities all rolled up with the crispness of the air signalling Fall.

Where I've Been... Summer Joy and More

As I have  gotten older I have come to LOVE Summer. The hot and hazy days, bare feet, sun dresses and getting blacker!

Going to Jamaica was my reset. Honest to Gawd! I spent a week in the Blue Mountains of Jamaica. Landed in Kingston, which to my sheer delight was Blackity-Black-Black! I travelled with women I adore and love to the nth degree. I needed Jamaica more than I realized. Karaine Holness, captain of my Glam Squad and proprietor of the swankiest hair salon in town, HK; is the founder of Sistahs Jammin. Since 1999 she has been shepherding Sistahs to her homeland of Jamaica for much needed self care! I've been wanting to go for years and this year was my time!

Lawd, Black Jesus! Oh what a hair raising drive up the mountain. But once up there, you could clearly see God's magnificence. Lushness everywhere! Paradise. Seriously, paradise!

I slept better, I ate better, I dreamed better, I rested better, I was just better with each day.

Now I am back. Have been for a few weeks now. The effects of Jamaica are still in me. There is a new perspective on how I want to be in the world. Less stress and more ease. I am chasing peace in my spirit, in my life, in my deeds and actions.  I really cannot tolerate people who come with chaos and drama. That includes children. That includes potential lovers. That includes friends.

As I move through this life I am defining what peace is. I am defining what peace looks like in my day-to-day being. I have come far and wide to this notion of peace and how I want it to show up in my life. Good friends who bring peace and understanding. Potential lovers who bring peace and acceptance and understanding. Children are a mixed bag, but they do not get a pass.  They are being reoriented to my desire for peace. Soon they will be carving out places of peace in their own lives. And they will hopefully come to understand my desires and the choices I made for myself. Momming ain't easy!

Oh the challenges are still there. I am still on the front lines of battles and responsibilities and things needing my immediate attention. My reset has opened the door toward responding from a place of peace rather than anxiety and stress. Using anxiety and stress channeled in such a way that I am not hopeless, desperate and exhausted.

Time has always been at a premium and in excess. That is life. Enjoy what you can, plan where you can, deal with whatever shows up and stay in prayer about everything.

Serendipity Holistic Spa Retreat
Jamaica 

Markeshia, Dr. Jackie, Sharon! Kariane and me! A day at the beach down from the mountain!