Preparing For My Lenten Journey 2017...Do I even want to do Lent?

For the last decade or more, I have been "into" Lent. Embracing this holy time to reconnect to my own internal faith walk. Seeking silence and solitude. Welcoming this time of 40+ days and 40+ nights to get in with God.

This year, though, I am feeling disconnected from this holy season. I do not want to be the church, or go to church or be in church. I am weary. And I am tired of people. I am tired of prayers. I am tired of longing and discontent. This is not my dark night of the soul... This seems more petty and less deep. 

Or maybe it is my dark night of the soul and I need to claim it as such. It's not lost on me that I am feeling this unsettledness and sadness now. Lent is looming. I know it, because I am programmed for it. Something deep inside is seeking a new message in spite of my lamentations.

Do I have the courage to seek the new message? What am I hoping to hear? What am I hoping will be a new God is still speaking message for me?

Will I allow myself to go back through my faith journey and rediscover newness in the studies of spiritual direction?  Am I falling into a jaded sense of the world and my place in it? Am I suffering from "almost and not quite"?  And, God when will I stop being on the losing end of everything? Or so it feels like I am. Yes, I see. Contemplative time and time for discernment is beckoning.

Lent is coming. Am I doing Lent this year? Ash Wednesday is next week. I remain open to the spirit of God moving through in and throughout my being. In other words, we shall see.