Thursday, August 21, 2014

In Between. Part 2.

It's not about standing in the gap waiting. In Between meant the quiet space of here and there....a place to hide. I used to think in between was lost space and time... waiting, always waiting for something to happen.

The In Between has just become for me a real opportunity for a kind of preparation... a catching of my breath as my dreams come into focus. It is that grace time to breathe in and breathe out. Letting go of loss and preparing to receive new gifts.  And oh those gifts are so grand... even in their simplicity.

The In Between used to mean licking my wounds and muddling through despair until the sun shined again. It used to mean curling up deeper under my covers awaiting another day of dreariness. I just didn't know how to undue the blues and so I just accepted the time and space. Wishing and hoping that it would quickly pass and I could start again.

Now, I am choosing complete honesty... that's the road. Truth... walking in truth as I know it to be. I am not talking truth telling to or for other people.  It is truth telling to me myself...asking real questions and answering with a real sense of fully knowing what I want for my life.

I'm standing in the fork in the road. I can see where I have tried to answer my life without discovering the questions first. I wanted answers that encompassed all the needs of everything and everyone I am responsible for, but I never really asked myself what I truly want... I always thought that what was needed was what I wanted. And what was needed always came, but what I wanted was deemed frivolous and to focus on my wants was a fool's misstep because everybody knows needs are more important than wants.

And yet I wanted. I want so very much. What I want chases me in my daydreams and in my sleep... the late nights are filled with fantasies and dreams. How can I shoo-shoo those away? I did. I was wrong. As I find myself  discovering this new definition of In Between, I am drawn to a different road. Yes indeed Zora, some years ask questions and some years answer...  I do believe this year I am doing both.



2 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

This is an interesting thought process you have shared here, thanks for being so bold. “You want to change (your) world, change your metaphor.” -Joseph Campbell.

One of the things that people seeking change in their lives often do is make the mistake of estimating how difficult it is to change themselves in a world that has become used to seeing them as they are. Not only does the world (meaning everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE) want to see you as the person you want to change, it will conspire to KEEP you as this person, locked into this daguerreotype of who you want to be. This is not to say that you must tear down everything about your character and erect yourself anew, but once you have established what should be different, then you need to favor those differences in all things. ALL THINGS.

When it comes to love, IMO, people who are unhappy with the results of their “loveships” and affairs of the heart, often have problems with the valuations of love, especially when it comes to deciding what to give of themselves v. what they get from their heart’s desire (or what I would call, “The difference between what they give and what they receive). I find myself wondering how often does someone have to tell themselves that, “They knew better,” or some other iteration of a priori knowledge indicating that they knew that they were making a hedged bet and have that bet fall through.

You know what you want; you also know what you can reasonably expect to receive on the open market for what you have to offer. With this knowledge, you should not offer yourself up for less than you expect in return. I don’t know if introspection and fine tuning is what you need…

Over a decade ago, shortly after the loss of my Mother, I had a woman derisively call me a “sick puppy”. It mattered not that she herself was aimless and without direction-- when she through that at me it stuck, if ever so briefly. And it didn’t matter what state SHE was in… because one of the tropes of self-improvement is that you can measure yourself by the company you keep. In short, you have to begin to associate with people who align with the designs that you have for yourself. These prior disappointments that you have experienced with partners… I daresay that they were not in the same system as you were.

I may just be talkin’... but there are some things that I don’t think should be present in love. If it hurts, if it makes you feel poorly, if it makes you question yourself, then it is not love. If it doesn’t respect you, if it doesn’t makes you feel special, then it is NOT love. There is some wiggle room at the beginning, but you can’t be with anyone who takes away from the relationship more than what they contribute.

You are fine as you are. Just enter into relationships advised of what you want and what you feel you are worth.

Babz Rawls Ivy said...

Indeed Mark.