Holding The Cards Of A Fool

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

As smart as I am, I find myself holding the cards of a fool.  It is that quote from "The Alchemist" that opened the universe wide for me to see.  I was not better.  I was not in a better situation.  Nothing was better. I was not in love, or being loved. Not in the true sense, not in the way that made our lives desirable.

Now to that end, I hold my happiness in my own hands.  I am responsible for my actions and another person can only enhance what exists... or tear down.  He tore things down. Everyday I tried to see where all the rough places where.  I tried to stand at his vantage point to see where things were bad, wrong, fucked up.  I didn't see that.  And I think that's where I realized I was holding the  fools cards.  I couldn't see anything, because it did not exist.  That is how manipulation and bullshit works.  You have to be convinced of seeing shit that's not there.  You have to try to fix things that aren't broken. You have to disregard your instincts and intuition. You have to buy into the bullshit that who you are as is is not enough.

I did this. I happily stood in the fools place holding the fools cards and playing my hand. All the while I knew I was breaking inside.  That shit was shit and no matter how good it looked to the outside world.  I was not living the life of love that I was willing to create.  Oh there are too many examples of bullshit to rattle off and share. I knew deep in my core I was in trouble. 

My sister Lo, said be careful of manipulative language.... words that flip things around....words that make you appear you're not doing enough. Listen to yourself....  He is not for you.  He's not on your side. I knew this. I knew this from the first time around.  But a fool will go along with bullshit if they think the outcome will be what they want.  That's foolishness right there.

Anyway. I am striving to become better than I am.  I have seen how everything around me is better when I am better.  I know better than to go back for more where there was only less to begin with.