Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Die or Rise

It is for me a an ongoing battle to stay in my skin.  To stay focused on all the good in my life.  I am challenged often by dark thoughts and sadness and disappointment.  I struggle with the paralyzing nature of FEAR.  I find myself stuck in my thoughts more often than I find myself in love.

What I like best about my ability to overcome shit, is the fact that God stays in communication with me... through songs, catch phrases, people, places and experiences.  God is always talking to me.  I on the other hand can tune God right out.  I do it mostly when I want to stay wallowing in my bullshit. Wallowing in bullshit keeps you from rising; it keeps you from championing your dreams.

My dreams are scary... the closer I get the more afraid I become. Why? Because the truth is this: What if I don't make it?  What if all the effort doesn't give me a win? And who am I really?  How do I get to have such lofty goals and ideals? This is the torment.  Believing somewhere deep down in my soul I don't deserve the life of my dreams.

For many years after I graduated college... degree in hand, I used to freak out and think maybe I didn't graduate, that I must go back, that there was some mistake. I used to wake up in a panic. Seriously, I used to be fucked up over this.  For a long time I kept a copy of my degree in my purse because I was afraid of getting a call that I didn't deserve it... I hadn't really earned it. I didn't feel this when I earned my Masters in Public Administration.  I was older and other shit was causing me anxiety... I was newly married and trying to figure out and define my role as wife and partner. I have always had a strong belief in God, but in those days out of college and into the early years of my marriage I didn't have a church home. I found one when the  first child arrived. (that's a post for another day)

I am right now not struggling with the presence of God, but rather, struggling with God's call to me.  Why don't I think I deserve my life and why am I so quick to let it die on the vine?  I will either die or rise.  It is that simple.  To linger and wither away my life is dying.... very very slowly. Allowing the days to run into the next without even caring, is a slow death.  Taking on meaningless projects are really life rafts to keep me from drowning in my bullshit. And I am drowning. I am numbing with things that do not give me pleasure anymore.  They have become tedious habits... more distractions.

Choosing to rise is FOLLOWING MY DREAMS! Clearly defined dreams, not just wishful thinking. Creating a plan and executing.  Not the bullshit of talking pretty about what I am about to do.  About to do is bullshit. To rise, is to summon every ounce of courage all day everyday and put the dreams above the seductive whispers of "can't".   To rise is to work toward having my life and body reflect my dreams... the work put in... the success I define for myself.

I am my own assassin.

There are only two options.  I either Rise or Die.

1 comment:

angela said...

amazing how much we parallel each other, our experiences, our struggles.

this post struck me so deeply that it took me this long to come back to comment. i am dealing with something like this; struggling with being stuck, and i recognize that i'm fearful about which way to go. afraid that i won't succeed in whatever i touch, like how it was before i got sick. i'm afraid that i will continue to spin my wheels and never get anything accomplished.


i help people get un-stuck and find their way every day, but i'm struggling with guiding my own self.

hmmm... i feel a post coming on.

love u sister