I Gotta Do Better With My Wants

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist 

I have been blessed for all of my life.  At each leg of my journey I have been supported carried,  cheered, prayed for, loved. I wanted so many things and have gotten everything I've ever wanted one way or another.

What I have come to realize at 50 is that so many times I have squandered my want... thoughtless about wanting what I wanted.  Wanting what I wanted without thought or care to what would be in my best interest. I found myself with people who weren't good for me and yet the universe helped me be with people who were not in harmony with my inner spirit.  Yet, I stubbornly tried to make the case for staying in mess.  I wanted validation for my choices.  I never got that, instead I got signs, warning and tons of shame.

God often gives us what we want so that we will learn to be more thoughtful when shit hits the fan.  Some of us learn quickly and for others like myself, I gotta stay in the torment until the light bulb goes on and I have my Aha moment.  The universe heard me.  I realize I have to be clearer and truthful about my wants.

Settling comes in when you don't believe that what you want exists, or if it does exist, you can't have it.  It's like I am preparing for failure rather than success.

“One cannot be prepared for something while secretly believing it will not happen.”

― Nelson Mandela

 

All this self reflection and discernment pushes me to look deeply.  Why do I have almost what I want, but not everything?  And why am I OK with almost?  Yes. Mr. Mandela you are right.  I see that from a new set of eyes.

 

And this is the saving grace: 

 

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.”
― Paulo Coelho, Alchemist 

 

Indeed.

Holding The Cards Of A Fool

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

As smart as I am, I find myself holding the cards of a fool.  It is that quote from "The Alchemist" that opened the universe wide for me to see.  I was not better.  I was not in a better situation.  Nothing was better. I was not in love, or being loved. Not in the true sense, not in the way that made our lives desirable.

Now to that end, I hold my happiness in my own hands.  I am responsible for my actions and another person can only enhance what exists... or tear down.  He tore things down. Everyday I tried to see where all the rough places where.  I tried to stand at his vantage point to see where things were bad, wrong, fucked up.  I didn't see that.  And I think that's where I realized I was holding the  fools cards.  I couldn't see anything, because it did not exist.  That is how manipulation and bullshit works.  You have to be convinced of seeing shit that's not there.  You have to try to fix things that aren't broken. You have to disregard your instincts and intuition. You have to buy into the bullshit that who you are as is is not enough.

I did this. I happily stood in the fools place holding the fools cards and playing my hand. All the while I knew I was breaking inside.  That shit was shit and no matter how good it looked to the outside world.  I was not living the life of love that I was willing to create.  Oh there are too many examples of bullshit to rattle off and share. I knew deep in my core I was in trouble. 

My sister Lo, said be careful of manipulative language.... words that flip things around....words that make you appear you're not doing enough. Listen to yourself....  He is not for you.  He's not on your side. I knew this. I knew this from the first time around.  But a fool will go along with bullshit if they think the outcome will be what they want.  That's foolishness right there.

Anyway. I am striving to become better than I am.  I have seen how everything around me is better when I am better.  I know better than to go back for more where there was only less to begin with.

Die or Rise

It is for me a an ongoing battle to stay in my skin.  To stay focused on all the good in my life.  I am challenged often by dark thoughts and sadness and disappointment.  I struggle with the paralyzing nature of FEAR.  I find myself stuck in my thoughts more often than I find myself in love.

What I like best about my ability to overcome shit, is the fact that God stays in communication with me... through songs, catch phrases, people, places and experiences.  God is always talking to me.  I on the other hand can tune God right out.  I do it mostly when I want to stay wallowing in my bullshit. Wallowing in bullshit keeps you from rising; it keeps you from championing your dreams.

My dreams are scary... the closer I get the more afraid I become. Why? Because the truth is this: What if I don't make it?  What if all the effort doesn't give me a win? And who am I really?  How do I get to have such lofty goals and ideals? This is the torment.  Believing somewhere deep down in my soul I don't deserve the life of my dreams.

For many years after I graduated college... degree in hand, I used to freak out and think maybe I didn't graduate, that I must go back, that there was some mistake. I used to wake up in a panic. Seriously, I used to be fucked up over this.  For a long time I kept a copy of my degree in my purse because I was afraid of getting a call that I didn't deserve it... I hadn't really earned it. I didn't feel this when I earned my Masters in Public Administration.  I was older and other shit was causing me anxiety... I was newly married and trying to figure out and define my role as wife and partner. I have always had a strong belief in God, but in those days out of college and into the early years of my marriage I didn't have a church home. I found one when the  first child arrived. (that's a post for another day)

I am right now not struggling with the presence of God, but rather, struggling with God's call to me.  Why don't I think I deserve my life and why am I so quick to let it die on the vine?  I will either die or rise.  It is that simple.  To linger and wither away my life is dying.... very very slowly. Allowing the days to run into the next without even caring, is a slow death.  Taking on meaningless projects are really life rafts to keep me from drowning in my bullshit. And I am drowning. I am numbing with things that do not give me pleasure anymore.  They have become tedious habits... more distractions.

Choosing to rise is FOLLOWING MY DREAMS! Clearly defined dreams, not just wishful thinking. Creating a plan and executing.  Not the bullshit of talking pretty about what I am about to do.  About to do is bullshit. To rise, is to summon every ounce of courage all day everyday and put the dreams above the seductive whispers of "can't".   To rise is to work toward having my life and body reflect my dreams... the work put in... the success I define for myself.

I am my own assassin.

There are only two options.  I either Rise or Die.

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

Tony Robbins - The Keys To Massive Success

Oh this moved me in a big way.  It is timely and on point.  It's not shaming, but strong.
I love this idea of ritual... habit.  Not routine... routine speaks to something else. Ritual conjures up for me, sacredness. I am feeling this.
I am becoming a fan of Mr. Robbins.

Old Ways Won't Open New Doors

When I came across this quote on facebook, I stared at it for a long time. There is something here that is speaking to me. Speaking loud and clear.

I can hear the questions swarming in my heart and soul, ringing loudly in my head: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? The answers are flooding my being.  I can't look away.  I can't ignore what I know.

I gotta save my life.  I gotta get away from the bullshit that keeps me stuck in the muck and mire of expectations of my life that aren't my expectations. 

I know what to do. Ready to open and walk through new doors.

God Says TAKE RISKS.

When God wants my attention, he sends messages to me in several ways... I'll hear a phrase several times from several odd sources that are, upon first glance, not remotely connected.  I'll come across someone who will say something in just the way God whispered it to me.  Everywhere I go the same theme will appear.  Chasing me down and getting in my spirit. This has been my experience my whole life.  Sometimes I'd listen and sometimes I 'd ignore it.  But it always comes around until I follow the sound of God's voice.  It has taken me years to get some lessons and minutes to fully embrace others. There is no expiration date on being a fool.

So here I am in January 2014 ready and waiting for the spark of  what do I resolve to do... what are my resolutions?  Normally I am all gung-ho, but this time nothing.  Drawing a blank, nothing stirs within my soul, or so I thought...

RISK. Take  FUCKING RISKS. What will you lose by taking a risk(s).   You've already been to hell and back.  You've already lost so called important things.  Now what are you waiting for?

Everywhere I went I kept hearing and seeing and bumping into this word... RISK.  God is speaking to me.  Caling me to once again walk out on faith.  Walk through the storm with my eyes on him.  This is more than just laying my burdens down.  This is a direct call to act, do, be and soar.

In all areas of my life, GOD is calling me to take risks.  Build the Spiritual Direction practice... you're trained.  I am with you.  Write the damn books already, you can absolutely  find the time. I am with you. Get the blogtalk radio shows back up and running, why are you afraid to build that platform?... you were already doing it! I am with you.  Lose the damn weight and be free.  I am with you!  Choose love. I am with you. You are enough. I am with you. serve and volunteer more.  I am with you.

My Resolution is to take risks.  Dare.  Do. Soar.  Having come this far, I know how to weigh risk against what's in the best interest of my family and their needs.  I am not talking about recklessness and abandonment.   Now is the time to make the dreams reality.  Now is the time to summon every ounce of courage and take the biggest leaps of faith imaginable!

My heart's desire can no long be stifled.  I can no longer justify the excuses of not doing what I long to do... what I am called to do.  Divinely appointed and nurture by God to do.

Every morning when I drop my kids off for school I hug and kiss them and whisper... Be Kind. Be courageous. Be confident.  I love you. 

Yes. God is still speaking.  Risk-taking time! Indeed.

May Your Coming Year Be....