HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015!

I'm ready! I am blowing the doors off 2015! Every dream! Every wish! Every long held fantasy will see the light of day! I'm marching into 2015 LIKE A BOSS!

Desire Over Reistance: This Writing Life or How I am Moving Into 2015

My Fairy Godmother/WritingCoach/Famous Author/Mentor in our conversation a few days ago, said, "your desire for what you want has to be greater than your resistance for going to get it" This stuck with me. Like a seed planted it just started to grow inside me. Now this is not news or a newsflash. I know this. And yet I just brushed by it. l was always chopping it up to folks just don't understand what I got on my plate What I am going through. And so I would remain stuck with my dreams deferred. I see it all through out my life. The success I've had were because I desired it more than the resistance in going after it. Like Graduate school or great jobs, or other projects.

But somehow I haven't made that leap with other things I desire.... I can see where the resistance has a greater hold. I truly did not want to put in the effort to accomplish my dreams. I wasn't committed to the effort needed for the long haul. That's the truth telling. I wanted results/success/accomplishment with minimum effort. I allowed excuses to be the driver of all things. Even when I felt like shit doing it, I still allowed the excuses to drive me. I KNOW BETTER. But the desires weren't greater than the resistance. I like the fairy tale but was not ready to shift into the reality of the work. Happiness, love, joy, peace, success, purpose, all require a real willingness to go the distance. I have to put myself in the place of allowing these things.... my desires to manifest. I gotta do the work.I am no stranger to work... I am no stranger to determination. I know what hard work can produce. I've experienced it all through out my life.

It also means quit letting people, places and things derail you. My Fairy Godmother/Writing-Coach/Famous Author/Mentor also  said to be mindful of who you share you dreams with... there are folks who are dream killers and dream deferrers. People who are small...think small... live small, dream small and cannot support your big dreams! They will never be able to see what you see. They will only hold you to their smallness. Small people live in excuses in their own lives... holding onto mess and staying trapped in foolishness. They ask why you want to do that? Rather than say how can I help? This last ridiculous mess of a relationship I was in was just this...a dream deferrer. People who have nothing cannot offer you anything other than more nothingness. Especially if everything out of their mouths is criticism, and dream killing. It's like Dorothy getting caught up in the fields of poppies, except there was no pleasure. I have been here before. Different cast...same distractions.

I do not wish to lament the sameness... the going back for more where there is only less. For 2015 my goal will be to layout my desires. To be about the desires of my being.  I am a writer... I desire to write. So write I will. I will deal with the resistance with a structure and a plan. Yes a plan of action.

Season Of Advent: LOVE

One of my favorite books is Martin Luther King, Jr.'s 'Strength To Love" I reread every so often trying to understand where all that love comes from. I wonder if I have that kind of strength? I wonder if I could love without judgement, in the face of great adversity and hatred? I don't know if I can get to that level. I do know I was shocked and stunned to love my children as each one arrived needing me.

I was always so guarded until they arrived. They opened my heart and in came warmth and joy, and real happiness. Unimaginable feelings that I always thought would never be for me. Sure I loved my siblings deeply. We were connected through blood and circumstances... loving them is/was a given. We were thrown together against great odds and survived.

Marriage gave me a glimpse of what love could be like. My then husband was patient on a lot of levels and on some not so much. I learned a lot in those 13 years. As I look back I can take away the things that add value to my life moving ahead. I can leave the things that blocked me and stifled me. That's OK, it all belonged once upon a time. I can hold all of it sacred.

In this mysterious season of advent... this time of waiting for the blessed event of a child who would save us all. I try to think about love in manageable bits and pieces...  still consuming, but also peaceful and calming. Life in God is like that, passionate and hot, peaceful and calm. That is how I imagine and experience love to be. God has given us so many scriptures on love that we are pulled into fiery passionate heart stopping experiences and in the next breath often find ourselves kneeling by still waters. The passion and the peace called love often are found played out in other sacred works by poets and intellectuals alike. We are all witnesses to the burning passions and the calming coolness of love.

I am inviting myself to embrace the passions and the calm together. I am making room at my table for all that love is. I am open to whatever God sets on my table... be it feast or famine. It all belongs.

Season of Advent: PEACE

I used to think peace was the absence of noise... That peace required absolute silence. I would go to great pains to have quiet in order to have peace. I have come to realize that peace isn't something that I can stage and then summon like a circus act. True peace is the inner stillness from within me. It is tapping that wellspring of quiet that already exists that I can step into regardless of what the noise of the world is. I don't have to run away to the quiet, all I gotta do is be the quiet and God meets me there always. Glad to see me.

This is why I can no longer tolerate bullshit from people. Nor can I ever again entertain other folks ridiculous expectations for my life. And I certainly cannot accept wishing someone into my life. All that bullshit and noise no longer disturbs my peace. I have happily walked toward God... glad to make his friendship and truly appreciating his advice and undeserved grace.
That is the beauty of this season of advent... waiting and learning and celebrating!

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

Mother Teresa

Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.

Buddha

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.

Mahatma Gandhi

Season Of Advent: HOPE

The events of the last few months... and weeks have almost rendered me hopeless. My soul is weary and tired. I am trying to hold onto the wisdom of those that have come before me.. Fannie Lou Hammer, Rosa Parks, Ida B. Wells, Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, and so many other women warriors. I go back and read their lives and meditate on their words...

Ain't gonna let noting turn me around.... sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hold onto those words like a life raft. I go to my knees in fervent prayer. Oh dear God...save us all.

And then I remember... all shall be well all manner of things shall be well. I have real history with that understanding. it has been my personal experience. This is the season of waiting. This is the season of hope against hope. To lose hope is to lose my humanity. I am not ready to give up. Too many folks on the front lines walking the walk. The Christ story is about not quitting... keeping hope alive even in the face of persecution. Even as frustrated and angry as I am or seem to be getting, deep down I have this sense of Hope stirring in me. Inviting me to keep the faith. Shifting and rolling with the flow even if it hurts or stuns or almost breaks me.

I hope for peace for myself, my family and friends. I hope for peaceful resolutions to the worlds problems. I believe hope is the foundation for moving forward. I hope to fall in love...and stay there. I hope to be prosperous. I hope God never leaves my side....I know he will not.

I hope for goodness and mercy to follow me all the days of my life.

Season Of Advent: JOY

I find joy in the most unlikely places... like today, I was behind this car driving so slow all I could do was cuss, and rant. And then I remembered something I read long ago, that perhaps I should see this little inconvenience as the angels intervening to save my life... deliberately slowing me down. Otherwise I would be racing to my destination....racing to my death possibly. As I thought about this I begin to smile and think to myself, yeah, I can absolutely see that. Therein lies the joy... being open to Angels saving my life. I am noticing the angels handiwork in just about everything I put myself in. This is the kind of spiritual thinking I've longed for. Noticing God everywhere and in everything.

This is the Season Of Advent: anticipating the coming of Christ. In that coming I notice and experience and invite Joy, Hope, Peace and Love into my life and into the world.

So over the next 3 remaining Sundays, I am going to talk about Joy, Hope. Peace, and Love.

I love living in the big space of joy. Things that fill my heart warmly and fully. My smiling happy obnoxious children, positive words of encouragement from my sister-friends, laughing hours on the phone with my blood sister, my generous church family, my neighbors (Christians and Jews) who look out and check in. A home of my own, with a roaring fire and superb french wine, organic chicken in the oven and my fresh Christmas tree that smells like heaven.

I feel the presence of God. I have invited him in to my home and heart. This season brings me closer to the spiritual maturity I desire. Everything is rooted in my walk with God. Every relationship, every work thing, every bond I make or break. This Season of Advent reminds me... and calls me to anticipate MORE! And I do I do!

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Happy Thanksgiving

Thankful for every good thing in my life!

Thankful for all the trials and tribulations.

Thankful for the possibilities ahead!

Good fortune. Good friends. Good times.

Happy Thanksgiving! Peace be unto you.

I Saw A Photo Of A Man So Fine....

I am winning at my life and man it feels good. The tides of fortune have turned in my favor and baby I am lapping it up!

I saw a picture of the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life. He is an artist... poet... world renown photographer. He does not know me, nor I him. Our paths keep crossing on the world wide web.  But if there was ever anyone close to my ideal it would be him. Decisive, soft, a fine eye for fine things and real connection to God. A renaissance man... oh how I love renaissance men.  Brothers who walk the world sure... bold and always in love. And get this, he lives in NOLA. The place my heart longs for. The place that was made for a woman like me... mysterious, sultry, friendly and oh oh oh so sexy. I love the fantasy of him. I love the reality of him. I like that such a man of my dreams exists. No I do not plan to pursue him. It is not about him. This is about the kind of man my heart and soul connects to. His words captured me and I know that mediocre...indecisive men won't do ever again. EVER.

That is the lesson, to seek and be open to men and people who speak to your heart and soul. To leave folks who are a mess alone. I am not a mess. I do not have to invite foolishness into my space. I get it.

Finding the photo of the very beautiful artist and having his words and photographs find me is not about him at all. It's about me turning a corner and stepping into the desires of my heart. I may never meet the beautiful artist whose eyes haunt me and whose words lift me to another realm of consciousness... Yes I've have been fucking him in my mind since the moment I saw him... but that's my fantasy. And really even my fantasy of his sexiness is small in comparison to his aura... that is felt even from this distance and without introduction. This is not about sex solely... this is desire for all that he represents...art, community, God, beauty of Black people and love of self. I see it for myself... all that excites me, moves me. Few have done that for me... and really it has been decades since this part of myself has been aroused by art and the artist. I like it. There is a deep untapped artist within and I think he calls it forth in some way. I suspect he has that affect on all who see him and experience him.

I say all this to say, that in my happiness state of being, I am not thirsty. I can drink freely and effortlessly from the well of life. I am walking the world a very happy, freed woman. I am rediscovering the kind of man I have yet to happen upon; this Brother reminds me and makes very hopeful that what I seek is seeking me.

TAURUS AND TAURUS RISING

I found this, this morning. It has stopped me COLD. God is speaking to me... this is the message. This is where I have been going. All of this is what I have been doing. This is everything of the moment. Path Illuming.

Taurus & Taurus Rising

We teach other people how to treat us. We teach other people what our worth is. We teach other people what our value is. We teach other people how to value us. We teach other people how to devalue us. We teach other people how to misuse or abuse us. And we teach other people when we are finished learning those lessons

We teach what we most need to learn. We master what we learn to teach. 

I encourage you to take some time this Tuesday to recognize the ways in which you have grown in this area of life. The past couple of years could have felt a little demolishing to your self-esteem in the realm of relationships. But all the cosmos was really trying to get you to do was stand up for yourself, harness your ability to treat yourself with respect and then to act that out in your intimate affairs. These lessons are now coming to a close so make sure you turn your homework in before too late.

But time has yet to run out. Whatever ground you have covered in terms of these lessons is valuable. In fact it’s extremely important that you don’t devalue what you’ve done because it wasn’t enough in your estimation. 

Saturday’s new moon occurs in your Eighth House of wow, I didn’t realize I was so obsessed with [insert name here]. It’s also the house of wow, I’m not going to live forever and the house of wow, I really lose a lot of power when I allow my fears to control my life. It’s a good weekend to acknowledge some of those beasts. It’s a good weekend to break the habits that bind you to superstition, delusions and irrational reactions to an apparent loss of power. 

- See more at: http://www.chaninicholas.com/new-moon-sagittarius-horoscopes-hopeful/#sthash.spwA8aWk.dpuf

Standing In The Place of Being Very Happy

It is amazing how I am moving in my life.  I am feeling a kind of strength and gratis that has eluded me for years. I'm on the COME UP in all areas of my life. And I love it.

I have zero tolerance for any and all bullshit... mine and others. I love that awareness!I have spent too much time with bullshitters and bullshit artists. Folks who put their own shit before my well being.

I am officially off the roller coaster of bullshit. I'm rolling along doing my thing. My professional life and personal life are in harmony with each other. I like the folks I'm hanging with... all positive, interesting and steadfast. I am finally meeting men who are interesting and well behaved and well read. I love smart men. I love men who appreciate and adore smart women. I love men who have no interest in controlling women... or me for that matter.

As the world turns and I bear witness to the madness, I am not consumed by it or daunted. I do what I can do, where I can do it. I find peace in that. I am connecting with people in a very authentic way.  I am finally meeting like-minded folks.

I am standing in the place of being very happy. It is my own choice. I prefer happiness. My life is reflecting where I am... whole... solid... happy and joyous. There is great pleasure in not being desperate in anything. I was desperate... afraid. Now I am not. I am creating a life that is so me, that I can't remember what I was afraid of.

Once I decided to give up accepting bullshit on all levels, my life changed for the better. Bullshit is about control, and lies and manipulation and emotional bullying. People who have fucked up lives are the first ones trying to get folks to do and be a certain way.  They have failed and yet, they want to force everyone in their circle down a destructive path. Crazy... I know. I know better now. I do better now. I am not replaying dramas. I am not trying to convince someone I am the best choice. I am not trying to hang in with someone who does not want me. I am done trying to convince folks of my value. I am done having those tired conversations of "You &Me" Fuck you... Fuck that. I am not wasting my time giving folks the time of day. An audience for their bullshit? Nope.

My life is good. Sweet. I am close to all my dreams. I am Happy.

NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH

They have made my life better... Stronger... More vibrant. There was no me before them... Truely. They have rescued me from despair. They have saved me from hopelessness. They have added a dimension to my life that did not exist before. All that I know about TRUE LOVE I owe to them.

There is no greater love on the planet for me than my love for these four. They are my greatest treasures. They are my greatest redeemers.

I invite those looking to build and or start a family... add to their family... consider adoption. It will change your life in so many unexpected glorious ways.

I Love This Life Of Mine.

I am winning in my life and I love it. Once I did away with what I thought I should be doing or should have, I was able to fully step into the "As Is". I like the "As Is"  it is my authentic self. The "As Is" isn't about settling, or compromising, or ignoring anything. It is about standing in my glorious self right now. My admiring gaze is about seeing myself right now in all my glory. There is no point to looking at myself with a critical eye.  Picking myself apart... deeming myself unworthy. There is a great deal of joy in throwing out trash talkers and naysayers. I've burned the bridges of folks who freak me out with their bullshit... who make excuses for their sedate lives. I am not that woman... the woman who settles or bows down or bends over backwards for bullshit. Never that woman.

I am She who is rising. Becoming more of myself than I ever could imagined existed. I like the me I see staring back in the mirror in the morning and at the end of the day. I love the sound of my own breathing and laughter. I cannot and will not tolerate bullshit ever again. 51 cannot and will not tolerate it. My passions run deep and I make no apologies for them... I am a full grown woman. I know how to do shit. I know how to move and change the world.

I am feeling grand and fine tuned. I am a gift that keeps on giving. I like that revelation. I ain't looking for no one to complete me. I am not looking for anyone to provide me with answers to my life. What I want is someone who is interested in supporting and safe guarding my dreams and aspirations. What I am seeking is someone who has his own dreams and aspirations that I can support and safe guard. What I am longing for is REAL connection... nakedness... non-judgement... honesty... love... and integrity.  There can be no settling of anything other than truth.

I am in love with my life. I have waged a long hard battle of acceptance. I love the woman I am becoming. The man that seeks me will know exactly what to do to get me and keep me. This is my epiphany today. I am not lost. I am not confused. I am not misguided or misdirected.

Iron sharpens iron.

I Take Pictures and I Love It!

My mother didn't take pictures. Every time someone would whip out a camera she would put her hand up... No No NO... wait until I lose weight... or dress up, or look better. My siblings and I do not have any photos of us with our Mom. We don't have any photos of my Mom without her hands up blocking trying to avoid the photo. Later in her life she did sit for formal photos. She died shortly after that.  I have one photo of me and my mom at my college graduation. My siblings have none of themselves with our mother. And we have that one photo of her that she sat for. Nothing of her as we were growing up.

I take so many photos of my children with myself and  of me solely for this reason. Someday I am going to die and I want them to have photos of me and of me and them, laughing, smiling, joyful. I want them to have photos of me in my glory. I don't want them remembering me trying to lose weight, or unhappy, or desperate, or sad. I want them to see me in my glory... now... as is.

I want them to remember me as a beautiful woman full of life and energy and dazzle. I want them to see me as a woman who dared greatly! A woman who, when knocked down repeatedly got up each time swinging!

So periodically photos of me will show up on my blog! I am not running away from the camera. I am not shunning the camera. The camera captures me. That's it.

NaNoWriMo Year 6

Yes Yes Yes! I am doing it again! National Novel Writing Month!

I feel confident, energized and ready.  OK so not really... who cares, I am doing it anyway!

November 1, 2014 I am jumping in! Last year I ended with just over 6,000 words... nowhere near the 50,000 word goal.  But the years before that, I barely made it to 2000 words.  This year I am feeling committed and ready!

NaNoWriMo here I come!

The Ever Illuminating Path...Yes Zora More Answers This Year

I was over at my blog Brother Mark's blog Stars Like Grains Of Sand In My Pocket 

This is massive truth telling right here. A kind of realization that hurts... at least it does for me. I could have written this. 

It is my truth also:

Looking back over the past decade-and-a-half (?!?!) of my intimate personal relationships, the thread that runs through all the fail is the investiture of the emotions that make a relationship work. Love depends not on what you are willing to get, but instead is determined on what you are willing to give, which is everything. And I have no problem with saying that the women I have been involved with all had this one trait in common to be IN love. 

Yes. I responded:

Love is all about the give. I think that's the thing that scares people... taking the bet on giving...and deep inside believing what if he/she doesn't give back. That's where the fear lives... the hesitation...doubt.  So folks keep putting their eggs in the same basket hoping the other person doesn't crack them all. And they do.

I do know we attract what we are...not what we want. I find that sobering. As I stand in that truth, I have decided not to actively seek anyone. Who I am at the moment is pretty good, but it's not optimum. So rather that suffering through more of less. I am putting all that energy...both sexual, and romantic and whatever else into doing all the things that make me happy. Love is always present. I am loved beyond measure.

So this all means that I am on the right track... on the ever illuminating path. I am not going to spend any more time trying to add someone to my life. That is a time waster. And honestly I haven't been good at it. So I quit. Not giving up on love. Giving up on chasing unrequited love and all the bullshit of the emotional roller coaster.  The man that digs me, is interested in me, aches for me, will come for me without a story of woe, or demons, or excuses, or whatever else I have tolerated and allowed.  I am a whole woman. I need someone to show up whole... intact... broken pieces gathered and mending.

In the meantime my life is amazingly good. Not perfect... ain't nobody got time for perfection. I am however happy and the unfolding of things is sweet!