I was over at my blog Brother Mark's blog Stars Like Grains Of Sand In My Pocket
This is massive truth telling right here. A kind of realization that hurts... at least it does for me. I could have written this.
It is my truth also:
Looking back over the past decade-and-a-half (?!?!) of my intimate personal relationships, the thread that runs through all the fail is the investiture of the emotions that make a relationship work. Love depends not on what you are willing to get, but instead is determined on what you are willing to give, which is everything. And I have no problem with saying that the women I have been involved with all had this one trait in common to be IN love.
Yes. I responded:
Love is all about the give. I think that's the thing that scares people... taking the bet on giving...and deep inside believing what if he/she doesn't give back. That's where the fear lives... the hesitation...doubt. So folks keep putting their eggs in the same basket hoping the other person doesn't crack them all. And they do.
I do know we attract what we are...not what we want. I find that sobering. As I stand in that truth, I have decided not to actively seek anyone. Who I am at the moment is pretty good, but it's not optimum. So rather that suffering through more of less. I am putting all that energy...both sexual, and romantic and whatever else into doing all the things that make me happy. Love is always present. I am loved beyond measure.
So this all means that I am on the right track... on the ever illuminating path. I am not going to spend any more time trying to add someone to my life. That is a time waster. And honestly I haven't been good at it. So I quit. Not giving up on love. Giving up on chasing unrequited love and all the bullshit of the emotional roller coaster. The man that digs me, is interested in me, aches for me, will come for me without a story of woe, or demons, or excuses, or whatever else I have tolerated and allowed. I am a whole woman. I need someone to show up whole... intact... broken pieces gathered and mending.
In the meantime my life is amazingly good. Not perfect... ain't nobody got time for perfection. I am however happy and the unfolding of things is sweet!