50? BRING IT!

The clock is on... it's been on for almost 50 years!  Thursday I step into 50!

Full Grown 50! Ha ha ha!

I am not afraid of 50.  Bring it bitches! Bring it!  The best thing about 50 is that I am acutely aware of time.  I relish the shit that I do and when I do shit I am totally in!  Turning 50 cuts out half-stepping and bullshit.  If you are 50 and you are struggling with NO, then you need to redo your 40's and get some balls.

I am not angry.  I am not unhappy.  I am not missing or wishing, or longing for anything.... OK except for more $$$$  but everyone does that except the Dali Lama perhaps.  The point is, I am satisfied with me.  That doesn't mean I have accomplished all my desires and goals.  And it doesn't mean I don't have bigger dreams to chase.  But as I chase and accomplish, I love the woman I am in this moment.  I love this body that runs and works out and lifts weights. I love all the challenges and the way I am handling my life. There is no fear abut anything.

50? Bring It!

There is no anxiety.  I love all my grey hair. I do not have any wrinkles... my skin remains flawless, my smile is pearly white radiant.  This is the life.  This is the body.  This is the mindset. 50? BRING IT!

Battle Or Embrace?

There is something about this that resonates with me.  I feel it through my whole body.

Am I wise enough to know which one to battle and which one to embrace?  The enemy (anything that separates you from God--- bad attitude, depression, feeling lack, negative thoughts and words, negative people). The enemy of all your dreams and passions and creativity and love only has the power you allow it... you give it.  The only way to discern the difference is to be still and really pay attention to your life.

At 50 I see things so much clearer.  I am moving toward embracing things that really matter to me.  Things that fuel my passions.  Things that bring me peace and love.

This is conscious thinking. Being very present in my life.

On The Corner of Commitment & Dedication...FINALLY

I have been here before and I am glad to be here again..  Standing at the corner of Commitment and Dedication around so many issues in my life... health, children, marriage, career, friendships, family, hobbies, education, church.  This is a good place to be.  This is where I need to be.  If I am here, then I am not wandering down dead end streets.  I am finding my way... I have finally found my way. 

I have been lost for so long that to finally be at a place that is recognizable is like finding water in the desert. There isn't just one area of my life that I can put my finger on and say yes, this needs more direction and a better map. MY WHOLE LIFE NEEDED A MAP! Everything is connected.  Everything needs direction and purpose. The road of Fear leads to confusion, insecurity, distrust, uncertainty and on and on.

I am committed to better health, more love and financial peace. I am dedicated to working toward these things everyday without fail.  I am here because I have put one foot in front of the other and kept on moving forward.  Yes, I had to drop some folks along the way... and some folks had to drop me.  Moving forward is the only way.  Moving forward can be going left or right, or up and across, but never back and never round and round.

My real excitement lies in being open to the possibilities of my life. This stretch of road feels sure and firm and I am moving forward.

Welcome To My Era Of Self Kindness

Not just this past week, but my whole life, I have been unreasonable and unkind to myself.  Yes I have been unkind to myself.  I have been my harshest critic.  My meanest foe, my worst enemy, my most formidable adversary. Me.

I have judged myself harshly. I have raked myself over the coals.  I have vilified myself to pieces.  The source of all my unhappiness is all the mess I told myself.  All the second guessing and doubts and fears designed and maufactured by me.  All the demons, dragons were summoned by me.

I did this.  I am the architect of my life.  I see this so clearly this morning.  This isn't God's handy work, this is my separation from God.

I have decided to stay off the scale.  I have decided to surrender to the love that is nurturing between my lover and I.  I have decided to re-commit to good health.  I have decided to seek peace in my home.  I have decided to leave clutter.  I have decided to master my thoughts...and fill my heart and mind with all the best of goodness and positive everything!

Welcome to my Era Of Self Kindness.  This is beyond just doing nice things for myself.  This is about holding myself in high regard.  This is about looking at myself as a beautiful creation, perfect in my imperfection.
The world will constantly tell me I am not enough.  God tells me that I am.  Why wouldn't I believe God?  Why do I think the images of beauty paraded before me is the only answer? This isn't only about looks and appearances.  It is about the depth to which I speak to myself. 

How am I treating my own heart? How am I caring for my own soul? I have wanted someone else to come and love me more and better than I could do for myself.  I didn't even attempt to wrap my arms around myself.   What am I worth to myself.  And what am I seeking outside of myself?

The only love that I am able to give is the love I already posses.  If I am unkind to myself, then what am I to the world truly?  And If I am not kind to even my own self who will I be kind to?  I must afford myself the same compassion I so readily dole out.  I need to redirect my advice and carry it deep within.

Moving with all deliberate speed to usher in my era of self-kindness.  Taking this to prayer.

Last Few Days I was Feeling Very Jabba-The-Hut....

Fuck the scale.

For the next 30 days I am leaving the scale alone.  I have given it too much power.  I have given it too much control.  It has become the thing I worship.  Once I step on the scale, my mood for the day is determined.

Fuck the scale.

I know better than to turn my mind over to my fears.  I know better than to fall into the seductive trap of the whispers that tell me I am not good enough...I can't lose this weight, I can't fit that size.  I am wretched.

Fuck the scale.

I am turning off the noise. Tuning out the whispers and freeing myself. I have to leave some things on the floor.  I gotta turn my back on some habits that aren't serving me.  I have to embrace more of my beauty and leave the negativity way behind.

Fuck the scale.

My fight ain't with the scale. My fight is with my inner demons.  My inner negative talk. I am rising above this mess and pressing on. Thriving forward!

Fuck you scale... I may see you in 30 days or I may just kick you to the curb permanently.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBIN!

My Sister Robin is my best friend on the planet! She is my rock!

I am wishing her a very Happy Birthday!

She is tall, beautiful and funny!

I Believe In The Goodness...

I am deliberately choosing to love.

I am choosing to focus on the "Helpers"...the men and women who rush in to save, attend to and bear witness to tragedy.

I am choosing to see all the goodness that exists.  I am not diminished by lighting my brothers and sisters candles.

I am choosing the path of peace.

I am choosing to extend my hand in fellowship.

I care about every living breathing thing on this planet.

My heart breaks in the face of tragedy.

I am comforted by the faith that lifts me up and moves me forward.

I do not and cannot make sense of the violence in Boston, Newtown, Afghanistan, Somalia, Chicago, New Haven.

I intend to cry at every loss.

I intend to pray for all.

I intend to walk in peace, justice and love.

I believe in the goodness of the world and those that call her home.

Everything I Want

I understand this.  I understand what fear is... that choir of doubt, and suspicion and negativity.

I only have to cross over and not look back. I am crossing over and I am not looking back.

Turning 50 comes with a level of confidence that I have grown into.  Yes, I have been confident all of my life, but turning 50 is an awareness of my own power from inside, not faking until I make it. 

I am comfortable in my skin.  I am feeling good. Yes Zora this year all the answers are love.

We Believe What We Tell Ourselves