I am CALLED. Have been for a very long time. But I refuse to answer The CALL. And when I say The CALL, I mean God's CALL. That still inner voice that calls you to serve God and take his message to the streets by living and trusting in the word.
Who would I be? And what could I do if I truly gave my entire life to God? That scares me in ways that are not so easy to speak about and not so easy to see. The resistance is there, like a 100 foot gate around a moat. My fear about surrender crowds my thoughts... what if I am not worthy?...what if I can't speak the gospel? What if I can't live it? I am sure I cannot live it? Look at the mess that is my life.
It is often said that only GOD can turn a mess into a message. Maybe this is my turn.
I am not stressed by the validity of The Call. I know it to be true. I have always known it to be true. I first heard it in a little Pentecostal Church here in New Haven back 1974. Then Again after my first year in college in 1981 and all the years thereafter. GOD has been chasing me for the better part of my life.
I have been running from the the very thing that saves me.
The CALL's call on my life has pointed me in the direction of becoming a Spiritual Director. I do believe I am to support others' discernment of Where GOD is for them. And yet, I drag my feet. I get afraid and turn back around. I have dissected the fear question and the why me question until I am sick of even asking them.
I am not merely talking about giving up things... or stopping certain things. It really is about having a glad heart everyday and letting go of the seductive lure of LACK. Lack is so woven into the fabric of my life that I can point to the areas where my perception of lack has caused me to do desperate, unloving things to keep from going without, and to look as though I was rising above my circumstances. I did a lot of lying often with enough conviction and indignation until it became the truth to all those who wold listen to me. Damn, it still hurts my heart to think about the bullshit of my bullshit.
Anyway, I keep hearing India Aire version of "The Heart f The Matter" (originally performed by Don Henley). So rather than sing about a long lost lover...which I have done. I have decided to let it take on a divine, spiritual quality. I found it to be quite Illuminating.