I am inviting myself to love.
This is the moment that I invite myself to love. There are no more excuses. I have grown a great deal since Mr. Love left and moved to Baltimore. I have wrapped myself in my truth and re-examined my past with a fine tooth comb. It is time to let the ghosts go.
What I used to know and believe about love has shifted. It is not about what someone else does. It is what I am willing to do that defines the depth of my love. I have to give what I need. I have to be what I want. These are not empty sayings used to keep us all pseudo-spiritually in tuned. This is the God's honest truth! As long as I stay focused on what I need someone to bring to my life, I will always be waiting for the fantasy love...the ghost love...the unrealistic-but-it-works-in-the-movies love.
I have been the barrier to the very thing I said I wanted and when it (He) showed up I did everything in my power to reject him. I waxed poetic on my blog about his short-comings and failings. I whined about his inconsiderate behavior. I went on and on, about what he lacked, what he didn't bring to the table, what he didn't have. I was a shrew and I lost sight of what was important. He loved me and offered all he had, and laid himself at my feet. I only saw lack, and not good enough. I climbed so high up on my mountain, that I had forgotten what the climb cost me. I was more than selfish.... I was unreasonable.
It is a new year and I am answering my long asked question of who am I and what do I want?
I am going to get my Man back. Bring him back with a new sense of purpose, direction and commitment. I am coming in from the cold. I throwing my arms wide open and I am letting love flood my inner and outer being. I know what I am doing. I know who I am and I know what I want!
I have spent time alone looking at my life in totality. I have gone around and dated and chatted and flirted. Everything leads back to him and the life we could build together. We have both grown. We have both been right and wrong.
I am inviting myself to love this year, right now. No fear. No hesitations. No reservations. Full steam ahead. Focused. Determined. Joyous.