Monday, January 9, 2012

Grasping

Today is one of those days that you wish you could do over.  I didn't work out this morning.  I let the chimes sound at 5:45am.  I got up and turned them off and got back into the bed.  After I dropped the kids off at school I could have worked out at 8:00am.  I got back in the bed for another 90 minutes. I felt guilty and did not enjoy the rest.

I am grasping for motivation.

This afternoon I picked up my daughter and her friend from school, I have a couple of hours before I have to pick up the other three beans.  Someone hits my car.  I felt all alone.  I called my Ex and let him know.  He did  not offer to come and...insert my fantasy (handle it, take care of it.) I felt alone.  No one was hurt.  I just wanted to have someone be there. Or at least call.  My Sister Lo reminded me that I have a wonderful village of folks to call who could be there within minutes.  I had forgotten.  I was wallowing in a lie that I had created in my own mind to feed my self-pity.  Damn.

I am grasping for motivation. I am in that place where I know I have to dig deep to find the grace to push on.  I am in a funky mood. I'd like to think this is when I am at the break through!  Where my ship sails in.

I am not going to beat myself up any more.  I am going to get a good night sleep and start again tomorrow morning...God willing.

The thing about grasping for motivation is that I recognize it.  I know what this is and I am not afraid to allow it to pass through me.  I am only going to let it pass through, it is not staying for an extended period of time. I am done wrestling with emotions and depression and moods.  I have long since decided to revere all my emotions, give them room to be and then allow them to drift out, the same way they drifted in.  I am not giving them more power by hosting a parade and allowing them a grander status.  Depression does not need a suite in my temple; it can however have a corner in the basement.

The work of self care is ongoing, requiring me to tend to myself as a priority. I must be my priority!  It is so easy to get worked up into wishing someone else would come in and rescue me.  I know better. The fantasy is too much in my bones and psyche.  I am surely no damsel in distress.  So there is something else at work here ( another post in the making).

I am acknowledging the fact that today I am grasping for motivation.  Just today.  Tomorrow will be decidedly different.


2 comments:

Moanerplicity said...

If depression isn't paying the rent, doing the shopping, cooking or laundry... if it isn't making good love to ya, or cleaning the bathroom... then dammit, what role does it REALLY play? What good does it do? What's its purpose?

Make sure that corner you assign it in the basement isn't TOO large & gets plenty of light.


You're stil alive. That's all the motivation needed to snatch JOY!


p.s. glad no one was hurt.


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Moanerplicity said...

OH... & BTW:


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One.

Lin