Grasping

Today is one of those days that you wish you could do over.  I didn't work out this morning.  I let the chimes sound at 5:45am.  I got up and turned them off and got back into the bed.  After I dropped the kids off at school I could have worked out at 8:00am.  I got back in the bed for another 90 minutes. I felt guilty and did not enjoy the rest.

I am grasping for motivation.

This afternoon I picked up my daughter and her friend from school, I have a couple of hours before I have to pick up the other three beans.  Someone hits my car.  I felt all alone.  I called my Ex and let him know.  He did  not offer to come and...insert my fantasy (handle it, take care of it.) I felt alone.  No one was hurt.  I just wanted to have someone be there. Or at least call.  My Sister Lo reminded me that I have a wonderful village of folks to call who could be there within minutes.  I had forgotten.  I was wallowing in a lie that I had created in my own mind to feed my self-pity.  Damn.

I am grasping for motivation. I am in that place where I know I have to dig deep to find the grace to push on.  I am in a funky mood. I'd like to think this is when I am at the break through!  Where my ship sails in.

I am not going to beat myself up any more.  I am going to get a good night sleep and start again tomorrow morning...God willing.

The thing about grasping for motivation is that I recognize it.  I know what this is and I am not afraid to allow it to pass through me.  I am only going to let it pass through, it is not staying for an extended period of time. I am done wrestling with emotions and depression and moods.  I have long since decided to revere all my emotions, give them room to be and then allow them to drift out, the same way they drifted in.  I am not giving them more power by hosting a parade and allowing them a grander status.  Depression does not need a suite in my temple; it can however have a corner in the basement.

The work of self care is ongoing, requiring me to tend to myself as a priority. I must be my priority!  It is so easy to get worked up into wishing someone else would come in and rescue me.  I know better. The fantasy is too much in my bones and psyche.  I am surely no damsel in distress.  So there is something else at work here ( another post in the making).

I am acknowledging the fact that today I am grasping for motivation.  Just today.  Tomorrow will be decidedly different.