Today is one of those days that you wish you could do over. I didn't work out this morning. I let the chimes sound at 5:45am. I got up and turned them off and got back into the bed. After I dropped the kids off at school I could have worked out at 8:00am. I got back in the bed for another 90 minutes. I felt guilty and did not enjoy the rest.
I am grasping for motivation.
This afternoon I picked up my daughter and her friend from school, I have a couple of hours before I have to pick up the other three beans. Someone hits my car. I felt all alone. I called my Ex and let him know. He did not offer to come and...insert my fantasy (handle it, take care of it.) I felt alone. No one was hurt. I just wanted to have someone be there. Or at least call. My Sister Lo reminded me that I have a wonderful village of folks to call who could be there within minutes. I had forgotten. I was wallowing in a lie that I had created in my own mind to feed my self-pity. Damn.
I am grasping for motivation. I am in that place where I know I have to dig deep to find the grace to push on. I am in a funky mood. I'd like to think this is when I am at the break through! Where my ship sails in.
I am not going to beat myself up any more. I am going to get a good night sleep and start again tomorrow morning...God willing.
The thing about grasping for motivation is that I recognize it. I know what this is and I am not afraid to allow it to pass through me. I am only going to let it pass through, it is not staying for an extended period of time. I am done wrestling with emotions and depression and moods. I have long since decided to revere all my emotions, give them room to be and then allow them to drift out, the same way they drifted in. I am not giving them more power by hosting a parade and allowing them a grander status. Depression does not need a suite in my temple; it can however have a corner in the basement.
The work of self care is ongoing, requiring me to tend to myself as a priority. I must be my priority! It is so easy to get worked up into wishing someone else would come in and rescue me. I know better. The fantasy is too much in my bones and psyche. I am surely no damsel in distress. So there is something else at work here ( another post in the making).
I am acknowledging the fact that today I am grasping for motivation. Just today. Tomorrow will be decidedly different.