I Remember....

WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW

What is most important to me right now is peace and stability.  To live in my physical space without clutter and chaos.  To have my mind free of negative thoughts.  To be more thoughtful in my prayers. To see Christ in everyone I meet.  This is what I desire and creating right now in my life.

No one or nothing can fill me up, make me happy, or rescue me from me.  I must do it.  It is in my hands to live as I desire in peace and stability.  I control what I think so I must change my thoughts when they drag me to the place of gloom and doom.  This is not about being happy like a clown.  This is about experiencing real joy, being in love with the life I have and radiating that out to my world.  I am wasting time whining about lack.  I have all that I need.  What I want has changed dramatically.  I've shifted from the material to the metaphysical and the spiritual.  Acquiring things can't be my model of success, because if I should lose those things what then?  Love isn't tangible unless its a hug, or a smile or kind words.  It is not a ring, or a car, or a big fancy house.  I am not knocking those things, I like a little bling too!  But what I am getting at is what's really important to me at this phase of my life.

This is not about giving up wants, it is redefining what I want from a real place of peace.  What do I need for my journey ahead?  Who do I want to be today, tomorrow, next week?  I have been in this place of realization before, but what's different is that I am making my home more peaceful.  I have de-cluttered the space and am sticking to maintaining a sacred space for me and my kids.  Where I live and how I live is all that I can control in this world.  My home is my sanctuary and I must treat it as such.

This is where I start to transition into the woman of my dreams.  Peaceful, thoughtful, calm, loving, joyous and happy.

Wandering The Day...and other Sunday Thoughts

So it's Sunday evening, one of my favorite days.  I always take a nap in the early part of the day, after Church and after lunch.  I usually get in a really good dream of how I want my life to be.  There is always jazz on Sunday here.  I love jazz and I love gospel jazz or Jazz Gospel music.  I love jazz.  So I crank on the Bose and find my favorite satellite radio station and Coltrane, or Parker, or some other sublime artist streams through my house.  This is how I love to spend my Sunday, no rushing, no plans, no stress.

And in deed I do miss him.  I miss his Sunday meandering.  I miss his looking forward to football.  I miss his interaction with my kids.  I miss our witty banter. I miss knowing he is in the house.

I can feel the loneliness slowly creeping in.  I can feel myself retreating from the noise of the world.  I can feel myself walking down that path again.  I feel so brave when I recognize depression coming.  I absolutely believe I can head it off at the pass.  I have learned to quickly remind myself that I am powerful beyond measure and that God is priming me for my greatness.  I like this thinking. it makes me smile big and full.  I am laughing because I believe it!  So ha ha ha to you depression (devil).

I displayed my crafts in my living room.  I never display or share anything I make.  But I decided I love it and I want to share it.  I think this is good vibrations....sending out good energy and good energy coming in!

The day is coming to a close.  Time to round up my kids and call them in and send their friends on their way.  Perhaps we'll watch a movie or a TV show.  I wish we had dessert, but perhaps freezie pops will do.

I love the ebb and flow of Sundays. I feel so in the rhythm of the moment.  Sadness and loneliness aside, I am enjoying the day into evening into night.

Queen- Somebody to Love

Can.. (anybody find me somebody to love?)

(ooh...)
ooh...
Each morning I get up, I die a little
Can't barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
(Take a look at yourself, in the mirror, and cry! Yeah, yeah)
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
(ooh, ooh believing you)
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
(I just can't get no relief, Lord!)

Somebody, (somebody), ooh somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me -
(anybody find me)
Somebody to love?
Yeah..

I work (he works hard) every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end (At the end of the day)
I take home
my hard earned pay all on my own
(goes home, goes home on his own)
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray (praise the Lord!)
Till the tears run down from my eyes, Lord!
(ooh, ooh, ooh Lord!)

Somebody (somebody), ooh somebody! (please)
Can anybody find me -
(Can anybody find me)
Somebody to loooooooove?

(He works hard)
Everyday (everyday)
And I try and I try and I try
(I try and I try and I try)
But everybody wants to put me down
(ooooooh)
They say I'm goin' crazy
(ooooooh)
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
(aaaaah)
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
(He's got nobody left to believe)
(Yeah yeah yeah yeah)

(Ooh, Lord)
Oh Somebody, ooh (somebody)
Anybody find me
(Anybody find me)
Somebody to love?
(Can, anybody, find me, someone to love?)

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat (you just keep losing, and losing)
I'm ok, I'm alright (he's alright, he's alright)
I ain't gonna face no defeat (yeah, yeah)
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
(ooh, ooh, this prison cell)
Some day I'm gonna be free, Lord!
(One day I'm gonna be free, Lord!)

(Find me somebody to love)
(Find me somebody to love)
oh, oh, oh, oooh
(Find me somebody to love)
(Find me somebody to love)
find me, find me, find me
(Find me somebody to love)
(Find me somebody to love)
(Find me somebody to love)
ooh find me somebody to love
(Find me somebody to lo-o-ove)
(Find me somebody to love)
ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-oooh
(Find me somebody to love)
(Somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody, find me somebody, find me somebody to love)

Can anybody find me
(Can anybody find me)
Somebody to.... loooovve?

(Find me, somebody to-o-o love)
ooooooh
(Find me, somebody to-o-o love)
Find me somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody to love
(Find me, somebody to-o-o love)
Find me, find me, find me, find me, find me, ooooh -
(Find me, somebody to-o-o love)
Somebody to looooove oo-oo-oo-ooh
(Find me, somebody to-o-o love)
Find me, find me, find me, somebody to love
(Find me, somebody to-o-o love)
Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love oh, oh, oh, oh
(Find me, somebody to-o-o love)
Find me, find me, find me...

LIGHTS POWER ACTION!

I am so grateful that the power is back on. Storm Irene raged through Connecticut and knocked out power for days!  Uugghhh! I was prepared and the kids saw it as an adventure.  But by Day 2 we were were all starting to wear thin.  By Day 4 we were at our wits end.  However the greatest gift and there was one or two, was as the night begin to fall, we'd gather in the living room or den and sit and talk and laugh.  It was delightful. 

It was a joy to sit and read by lantern.  The kids were into it in a way that I was surprised by.  I mean I make them read all the time, but they seemed to look forward to their dedicated book time and I actually heard them discussing with each other where they were in their stories. 

I am not interested in another hurricane coming through and losing power.  But I am happy for this sacred time and I have lighter heart because of it.