PARTIALLY NAKED...

I am asking the question: what does it take to be in love? To be committed to someone?  I find myself grasping to define this for myself.  I want to be in love and I want to be committed, but...and there is a but, at what cost?  There is a giving up of something...bad habits, routines, excuses.  There is much to be gained when love is right, at its best. 

Maybe the question ought to be what am I willing to do?  What am I willing to become for love?  I am finding that when you bring your whole self to someone you have to be willing to be open to their whole self coming to you and sometimes, a lot of times, they have a different world view of this very loveship that you both are in. Oh boy.  It's hard if you are willing to delve further into growing and blending.  What makes it hard is the changing that happens from within.  It is hard to be naked in the company of someone else.  If you see all your flaws they see them too.  And sometimes the flaws seem so big and nasty that you want to turn away so therefore you say to yourself, that other person who says they love you would find the flaws equally repulsive.  This is how we talk ourselves out of love.  This is how we build walls around ourselves. We listen to what we think is some bizarre truth when really its our fears.

So I am partially naked.  I am in love, but not in the motion of loving.  I am not fully invested in the work.  Not that I can't do the work.  I am afraid.  It is amazing how fear of pain will stop you.  I am talking mental, emotional pain.  The pain that comes when you open yourself up to someone and they take residence in your heart and then decide they no longer want to dwell there. I know this pain.  I can't go back.  But at the same time you have to press on and open your heart otherwise your just dead and unfulfilled and lonely.  To me that's worse than any pain experienced.  So I am standing here partially naked.  Should I strip bare? Or get dressed?  Always asking the questions: "Who am I  and what do I want?

"Eat Pray Love - Unforgettable"

13

She thinks she knows all there is to know about the world.  She thinks she has a clue about how to be a woman.  My daughter broke some rules her father and I put in place. Serious rules.  Rules about no dating at 13.  She weaved an elaborate lie to see "him" a 14 year old boy smitten with my daughter.  We tracked their conversation on Facebook.  Nothing outrageous or seedy.  Just little references to trying to meet up behind parental vision.  Her father monitored her Facebook page and still she managed to slip our watchful eyes. 

He showed up to my house and walked himself into my backyard unannounced and began playing basketball. I respectfully told the young man in question: "She is only 13 and is not allowed to date. I don't know anything about you, or your people. I don't know where you live, or anything  and I am sure you are a lovely young man, but the fact remains, she broke the rules. You are not to contact her again"
He was very polite and nodded yes and left.  The young man returned with his oldest Sister in tow. Wanting to introduce me to his people.  I was impressed that he heard me and wanted to act on my concerns.  I gave his Sister the same speech I gave him, adding for her benefit the fact that my daughter lied to me about knowing this young man.

Her father and I were furious with her.  He came right over after work to deal with her.  Three hours later, we emerged still angry but united in doling out a harsh and strict punishment.  There is more to this story...lots!  But most importantly this post is about what I must do and how I must move forward.

I have to build her back up now.  I have to help her save herself.  This is my teacheable moment where I stand fully in the Mom space and guide this child on rough waters.  She needs me. She needs me to parent her. Not to be her friend, and cuddle her with "baby it will be alright". I must give her tools to conduct herself.  This is the beginning of her learning to walk in truth.  This is one of many defining moments in her life.  What's key here, is whatever foundation we lay for her now will be what she draws from later in her life.

I am in prayer as I move forward drawing on all that I know to do to grow her.  I am not afraid for her.  I will not fail her.  I know what is needed and I am up for the task.  There is so much out there for young girls to fall prey to.  I must continue to wedge myself between the world and this home.  I have support.  She is loved. I am loved.  In the next few days I will lay out my plan, and perhaps this plan will be of some help to someone else with a teenage child who is being seduced too soon by the world.

TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY AGAIN

I am not a quitter.  Oh, I do know how to walk the hell away from people, places and things that do not uplift my spirit or bring joy to my life.  However, I am not a quitter.  If I know I didn't give something my all, then I regroup, recharge and come at it again. Sometimes it takes a gazillion tries to get to a real sense of accomplishment.  I am cool with that.  My strength lies in my tenacity.  I am not afraid of much in this world. 

My fears are a different story.  They, (my fears) as I said many times on this blog are seductive.  They woo me like a desperate lover.  It takes a great deal of courage to shush the voices of negative thinking and talk out of one's environment.  I am courageous.  I am fearless on so many levels.  I like my inner grace.  I am resolute in my vision for my life.  I am not afraid to try, try, try, try, try again.

I am standing in the place of Try Again saving my house, saving my loveship, saving money, saving my peace of mind.  The difference in this moment is the sense of all shall be well.  I do not feel anxious or discouraged.  I feel empowered and steadfast.  I love this feeling.  I feel like I am climbing Mount Everest again with success as my goal.  It doesn't matter that I've been here before at base camp.  I learned a few things from the last time I attempted this climb.  You see that's the gift!  Not that I am back at base camp, but that I am back trying again with more tools and more support and more confidence than ever before.

I am not a quitter.  I will always try, try, try, try.  try again.

CHOICE...NOT CHANCE

With all the mess going on in the world, around my city and in my life.  I love my life.  I love the choices I am making to move forward.  I cannot be told what to do except by God.  I am not listening to noise.  I have long since given up seeking other's approval.  Turning 40 (I am 47) is the great beginning of  "Get The Fuck Out Of Here" era.  I just can't bear witness to other's people projections about how they think I ought to be.

I was listening to Joel Osteen talking about run your own race.  Stay in your lane and do you. It was so on point.  You are wasting time competing with other people...that takes you off your path and into someone else's race. Run your own race.  Then I heard T.D.Jakes talking about letting negative people go.  You can't succeed when you are surrounded by folks whispering you can't do this that or the other thing.  They are perhaps well meaning.  But you have to know when folks are speaking from their place of fear. 

I am standing in a good place today.  I am feeling strong and determined.  I am feeling like there are so many grand possibilities to thrive and prosper.  it's all about the choices I am making.  Nothing happens by chance.  Whatever you do sets off a chain of events to bring you to a particular place, sometimes its where you want to be and sometimes its a place you don't want to be.  There is always a gift waiting for you.  A lesson to be learned. Each challenge, each happy moment, each adversity, each opportunity to make love brings you closer to who you are supposed to be.

LIKE A BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS

There are days when nothing but a honest-to-God Soul Singer, singing an honest-to-God soul song to lift your spirits.

BITTER PILLS...REPOST FROM HER SIDE

Her Side, one of my favorite blog sisters had this post up at her blog, Battle Scars and Exit Wounds. I loved this so much I begged her to let me repost it here. This is perhaps one of the best pieces of advice I've heard in a long time. No she is not suggesting to stay with a fool, or keep yourself trapped in mess, or harm's way. I take form this just what she said "If the advice you get doesn't explain how love can win, then the puppet strings of bitterness and fear are showing all over the messenger"

Her Side:
Several weeks ago, my parents received bad news. "Although you are legally married, you've been living apart for many many years. He must be dropped from your retirement insurance."

In a funny twist, my parents are together almost every day. She cooks for him. He helps her with the house. They introduce themselves as husband and wife. But they can't stand living together. Mom is too controlling and dramatic, which doesn't mix well with the healthy doses of testosterone pulsing through dad's veins. Even in their 60's and 70's, some of their encounters mirror the hilarity of tweens trying to navigate puppy love.

Anyway...

Since mom couldn't produce a single utility bill or bank account statement in dad's name at her address, he is left to his own sparse insurance. They estimate his medical bills could increase by $1000 out of pocket per month. Nobody on retirement funds can afford that nonsense.

As my mother shared this crisis with me (and lamented about my father's annual visit to his girlfriend's hometown - a total other story), she said the bitter words I hear from far too many older women. "STAY. SINGLE." She meant it. "Share your life and your resources with no-one. You'll have to help them one day."

I have thrown my hands to the sky and raised my face to the wind many times with the same objection. "What part of that advice offers me the option and information I need to experience the beauty of a loving relationship?" Doesn't choosing a partner come with the absolute promise that one day I'll have to hold them up during a time of need? Doesn't the anticipation of their love and support during my darkest hours balance the perceived hardship? If that isn't love, then WHAT. IS????

Wounded people wound others. That concept is one block in the foundation of this blog. The wounded spread their bitterness like a disease... cleverly concealed under the shroud of "loving relationship advice."

Keep this in your back pocket: If the advice you get doesn't explain how love can win, then the puppet strings of bitterness and fear are showing all over the messenger. Smile. Keep it moving. Brush the bitterness off your clothes and find a trail that leads to love. It is the only truly positive power this planet has ever known.