Monday, February 2, 2015

Beast Mode

It's been a long time since the stars lined up in my favor. I am taking a page from Marshawn Lynch... Straight out go hard! No, I am not going to grab my crouch and flip the bird... nor am I going answer question with "biscuits and gravy" Ha hahah although there are times when I just don't want to talk to people or answer ridiculous questions... but I digress. What I want to do is tap into the energy and commitment and dedication required to accomplish shit. And when I say shit, I mean my DREAMS, ASPIRATIONS and all the things I want for my life.

Struggling with self worth is a constant battle...a test of wills. But not as strong as it was a few years ago or even a few months ago. I still find moments when I am looking at myself with a very critical eye. I catch myself thinking about whether or not I am more or less attractive. I think about losing weight and how I am failing at that. My exercise plan is not a plan at all... no consistency... Although I keep attempting. I must get points for never giving up. I see other people achieving and while I am not comparing, I am thinking when is it my turn at love again? And so I look over my life and the patterns before me. Yes, I am in a rhythm that is fantastic and I am happy with the course my life is taking. It has been a long several years of holding on by threads and shards. I never lost hope that I could get to a better place. Even when things were at their most desperate and darkest moment. I just hung in and hung on. It is paying off. I am seeing the tides subside in many areas of my life.

Here I am wanting to press on harder! Beast Mode. I just feel like it's time for a BIGGER effort in all areas, especially in companionship, love connections, romance and stronger friendships. Maybe it's because my babies are self sufficient and do not need me in charge of every second of their lives. Maybe it's because I am acutely aware of the sands of time. I will be 52 in May and the desire to do it all is underneath my skin. Beast Mode is resonating with me. I like it. I want it.

I hadn't thought about loneliness in a long time. I don't feel lonely at all. My life is filling back up and I love that. I love saying yes and no to things and people and events. I love having the opportunities to choose yes, or no or maybe. I miss sex though. I miss having a serious lover...  I don't quite know what to do about that, and haven't given it any real thought. Perhaps it gets added to the Beast Mode agenda!

All I know is I gotta step up my game. I gotta go harder than I have ever done before to reach the goals I am setting. Beast Mode is the right motivation for the big tasks at hand. I am so ready!

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