Monday, August 8, 2016

Redefining My Being When Things Fall Apart

I am not new to my life crashing down around me. I can count using both hands the number of times my life fell to the ground on fire, or shattered, or drowned, or crumbled, or just fell apart. It is doing that now. And here I stand to survey the rubble... or about to survey the rubble. Can I tell you that the fight to hold up my world has left me? I do not have the energy or the will to swim against the tide. This time, I am surrendering quickly and serenely.  Surrendering not because I am weak and I can't fight. But that the fight is different. I am different. My strength is needed elsewhere.

In the days and weeks and months ahead, my life will change. It is my plan to go with the flow. To retire my battle armor and move in a different direction. I am not here for the court of public opinion. Been there done that. I am not here for the feigned humiliation of loss. Been there, done that too. What I want more than anything is to be untethered to time, space and place.

I am a very different woman now. Even as I look back over the years of this blog, I can see real growth and revelations and illuminations. The path was always lit enough to step forward albeit timidly, but most often boldly.

I am not going to get all twisted about the coming storm. I am not going to panic (which I never do anyway). I am not going to wring my hands and lay awake worrying, crying, pleading with God for a more favorable outcome. What I am going to do is move with as much grace as I can. I am going to be calm and thoughtful about the moves I make. And I will not be hasty in any decisions moving forward. I am at my best with a calm and cool mind.

So as the world around me crashes once again. I'll be ready to climb up and out. That is how I'm made. Resilient. Bold. Unafraid.

1 comment:

Big Mark 243 said...

... I don't know how long you have been going through this fuegue... but the sooner you clear yourself of this cloud that is over you the better you will begin to see your future...