Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind

As long as I draw breath, I suspect that I will be always the kind of woman that readily makes friends and invites people into my life. I am fascinated by people's stories. I talk for hours to people on a regular basis. There is always some depth that I want to get to with folks. I am always meeting kindred souls on life's byways and highways.

Being how I am, with always inviting folks to converse and being open, to discovering what we can in discussion and late night heated sharing and early morning hey you. Is often a prescription for experiencing different sides of people that they normally don't show to others. What I mean is, people can be fucked up in other relationships, but then they step into my universe and they don't bring that with them... until they do.  I was told incessantly "I am not kind" and my reply was always, "I believe you, but that has not been my experience of you". And onward we go, existing in the bubble of enchantment. Now, mind you, I can always feel the cracks in the bubble early. I can tell when the truth of just being, starts to seep in. Little annoyances start to become bigger annoyances. We are talking, but not deeply. We are slipping away from the early days of interest and intrigue. What is passing for friendship between us, is the mutually satisfying work... Me building my dreams, and you building another chapter in a life with great determination and focus. We are becoming estranged.

I hold few things to the breast anymore. I have learned to not hoard love or magazines. Nothing has changed. I love you. Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind. It is now my experience. I have stepped out of the bubble of enchantment and into the bright bold, harsh light of day. And all shall be well.

Each experience of enchantment brings me closer to a new me that I am so pleased to meet. I like who I was in relation to you. I am still she. And I like me so much. I don't know what you started to see, or how you came to the observations about who I am and what I need. I don't care to know at this point. Your opinion is neither here nor there in the overall scheme of things. I am wrong about people all the time. I am a fool most times opening myself to folks. I am my best self when I am living my vulnerabilities; this is the space I want to be in.

The riches of life are such that, you can meet a perfect stranger one day, make friends, do creative things and love and not love and love a bit more and move on.

Nothing has changed. Except, I now accept that you are unkind. And that my friend is the greatest gift. The gift of walking in truth and believed.

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