Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Revisiting: What Do I Want Now?

I am always caught off guard when I am asked: "What Do You Want?" This question haunts me, torments me and propels me to finding the answers.

What do I want? Periodically I gotta ask this question... The answers have changed as I have changed throughout this big life. What I wanted as a teenager is quite laughable now... Oh, I wanted so little which seemed so much.

At each decade, the wants morphed into needs. And soon wants became fantasies and little luxuries of thoughts and daydreams. Somewhere along the way, I learned you can't have what you want. Settling shows up and became the new world order.

I am becoming acutely aware of the passing of time. I am solidly 53 years old. I do not believe I have another robust 53 years ahead of me. Perhaps 20 years if I'm extremely lucky. So this time right now has to count, be lived fully. This is what I know moving forward. I cannot squander my remaining days wanting and not having.

This is where it gets challenging. How do I do this in the midst of everything else I am juggling, handling, responsible for? I do believe this is the question facing many modern women. Trying to create an identity that is not tied to marriage, motherhood and work. I love being all these other things, but this is not about that. This is clearly about the stirrings of my heart and long-held dreams.

Is this transitioning again? I don't know, but I owe myself the opportunity to find out.

Oh, by the way, the blog is staying. The calls, emails, messaging was loud and clear. Thank you for those of you still reading my little slice of the world wide web.


Shannon said...

I identify so strongly with this post.

Jenny Kanevsky said...

I'm here too now. Love this. It's a time when only the most essential people stay, the most important and nurturing things stay. We get to rewrite all the rules. It's our time. Yes, we are single mothers, yes, we have health issues that mean limitations, but we are not women to be held back, we are both women who find ways around and through. It's my honor to be your friend during this time. I need support, and I'm here for you. So much love. XOXO

Paul Bass said...

I'm not giving up on you having another 53 years! Or at least 40. However many it is, I'm confident each one will be rich.

bayoucreole said...

You were all up inside my head with this post. I'll be 53 in 2 weeks and I've been thinking about making some major changes in my life.