Wednesday, October 15, 2014

This Is The Guiding Force Of My Life...

I can't tell you how I have decided to move on. I just do. I can't put into clarifying words how I picked myself up over and over and over again. I can't begin to explain how I stopped my self from suicide. Wretched myself back from crippling despair. Oh, I live knowing deeply that I benefit from undeserved grace.

I could lay before the world my life... filled with all kinds of twists and turns. Great highs and gutter lows. Crippling defeats and humiliating moments that seemed to last an eternity. I've known unimaginable pleasure in the arms of men I couldn't pick out of a line-up tomorrow. I've enjoyed the love of good men that seemed all too fleeting. I've danced around the world and sang every song there is to sing. I am still standing, thirsty for more. This life oh this life. I can feel the sands of time running through my fingers and I want to race on. I want more and more.  I am overwhelmed with my redefinition of more. I simply mean peace, more quiet time, finding  joy in the the smallest of things like my breath and the breath of my children. My desires for pleasure are still burning brightly and the wanting of a lover lingers at the front of my daydreams... And the passions of my youth are not the passion of my middle age (at least not all of them). I still have the taste of adventure on my tongue... I am at home in the world all the time. I do not seek solitude in the woods away from the world, I simply want to be at peace in the midst of the hustle and bustle and chaos. I am growing into my life.

I know how many times I turned away from God. I can tell you how forever God has been with me. I have been ungrateful in my loving and in my being loved.  I don't know love at all. I am ripe to learn and learn and learn. Thank God for my children and my siblings... my first introductions to long standing love affair.

I am guided by the desire of a continuous arrival each step of this journey... my life unfolds each day and each day I am in awe of what I can feel and sense and be and do. I've stripped away so much bullshit that I barely recognize the woman I used to be. There is so much more to excavate... to get underneath.

This is the guiding Life Force Of My Life... to go about the world as seeker and lover. Enigmatic, mysterious, impetuous, curious, charming, joyful, I cop to it all...every label I own. I embrace the paradox of my being. It brings me closer to God. Truth be told... I have never been afraid of anything. I am woman for what's ahead. I live in the right now with an open invitation to what's ahead.

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