I thought once I saved this house I would be happy. I thought once I got married I would be happy. I thought once I started a family I would be happy. I thought once I earned all these degrees I would be happy. I thought once I got out of prison and all this was behind me I would be happy.
I have come to painfully realize that happiness is not predicated on having shit. Happiness is a state of being that you decide upon right now. Not when shit goes right. You gotta be happy when shit goes wrong. And therein lies the gift. To stand in the state of grace and joy even as the ground beneath you is caving in.
You see, I thought that once I ticked shit off my list, that was the direct road to happiness.
I was a bit lost when I had accomplished what I set out to do and discovered I was still afraid, fearful and unable to move the fuck forward. Unhappy. this is not about whining... I thought I was whining when I spoke out loud my pain. My loneliness. I was not whining. I was trying to find higher ground. I was drowning in my life. A life ripe with unresolved shit... hurts... done-wrongs... and just plan old poor ass decisions of people I let in my heart, my bed, my life.
The torment came when I started the dance of 'Know-better" Oh I knew better, but I wanted what I wanted and so mess quickly ensued... like clockwork.
Today is different... reflective. I am seeing.
If happiness lies solely in having shit... things.. anything... then what happens when it's all taken away? I've had it all taken away. And when I picked my ass up off the ground and dried my eyes, there were things I was still quite happy about.... my children... my siblings... my real and enduring friends... Happiness is within. Sure a nice set of bone china, or crystal goblets or diamond rings, a fine piece of artwork.... It all makes me happy. But true, longstanding, authentic happiness is the gift from within. The inner knowing that things are not the sole source of joy or happiness.
This was my divine lesson the last couple of days... wrapped in good news. You see when things are wrapped in good news we think that's the blessing... the only blessing. No my dears.. that is only part of it...a very small part of it. Grace isn't getting what you want. Grace is understanding and truly knowing that your joy springs from within, regardless of circumstances or issues or dilemmas or troubles. I am not my worst moments. Funny how true that rings when I step outside of my ill ease and turn my attention to my blessing rather than my lacks. Do you see the gifts?... I do. I do indeed.
I get it. Truly.