Loveships do not have to be complicated. I really do believe for me the trouble always begins when I want someone who is just not quite right.... and I drag myself through the craziness based on a few qualities that I am convinced are enough. WRONG!
I know when shit ain't right...but I go down the garden path anyway hoping for what? I turn myself into a pretzel, taking my cues from the object of my affection. I go into "I'm not enough as is"... that somehow I must become MORE MORE MORE in order for love to grow deeply. Like this last fiasco... listening to his little criticisms masked as deep concern (which were really just bait stringing me along) for possible togetherness. The more he talked the smaller I became. He damn near extinguished me. Every time I think about that mess and the time it took for me to burn brighter and put his ass out, I crack up laughing. I AM A SMART WOMAN! How could I have been such a fucking fool?
I was a fool because I was more into "what might be" rather than being in "what is" Oh I knew better, I just didn't do better. So know I get it fully.
I am enough. and there is someone who will dig everything about me...WITHOUT CRITICISM. And he will come with his own accomplishments and successes. I've learned that you can't build someone up from scratch. Their life reflects their efforts, their fears and their courage. I need and want someone who has courage and faith.
I was mad for a bit... mad at my own handiwork in that doomed relationship. Mad that I allowed it to go on...doing my best to craft it into a love for the ages. Ha! So now I am laying that down. Yes I did this reflection months ago. But I've done some more work on this...soul searching and truth telling. It was never about him... it was always about what I allowed. That's where I've been the biggest fool.
I am relaxing into a different phase around love and dating. I am not changing shit and I don't mean that in a defiant way. I mean I am not going to invite or allow anyone to criticize me, as if I am not the guru of my own life. That's it. So love. I am. Come for me.