I know when shit ain't right...but I go down the garden path anyway hoping for what? I turn myself into a pretzel, taking my cues from the object of my affection. I go into "I'm not enough as is"... that somehow I must become MORE MORE MORE in order for love to grow deeply. Like this last fiasco... listening to his little criticisms masked as deep concern (which were really just bait stringing me along) for possible togetherness. The more he talked the smaller I became. He damn near extinguished me. Every time I think about that mess and the time it took for me to burn brighter and put his ass out, I crack up laughing. I AM A SMART WOMAN! How could I have been such a fucking fool?
I was a fool because I was more into "what might be" rather than being in "what is" Oh I knew better, I just didn't do better. So know I get it fully.
I am enough. and there is someone who will dig everything about me...WITHOUT CRITICISM. And he will come with his own accomplishments and successes. I've learned that you can't build someone up from scratch. Their life reflects their efforts, their fears and their courage. I need and want someone who has courage and faith.
I was mad for a bit... mad at my own handiwork in that doomed relationship. Mad that I allowed it to go on...doing my best to craft it into a love for the ages. Ha! So now I am laying that down. Yes I did this reflection months ago. But I've done some more work on this...soul searching and truth telling. It was never about him... it was always about what I allowed. That's where I've been the biggest fool.
I am relaxing into a different phase around love and dating. I am not changing shit and I don't mean that in a defiant way. I mean I am not going to invite or allow anyone to criticize me, as if I am not the guru of my own life. That's it. So love. I am. Come for me.
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4 comments:
Oh wow. We are so similar in our approach. Trying to make more out of what is instead of listening to that gut instinct that says "you know this ain't gonna work, right?"
People can be great just not great for us. I'm sending positive vibes your way. You will stumble upon that great love one day because that is the best way to discover it...by accident...on purpose ;-)
Hey Babz! You may have overlooked things because of innate optimism in a positive outcome, but you weren't foolish.
A fool would've stayed. A fool puts people down because they're insecure idiots. I tend to believe these short-term mishaps provide clarity and alignment for the right one to walk into our life. Everything will work in your favor ;-)
I mean I am not going to invite or allow anyone to criticize me, as if I am not the guru of my own life. That's it. So love. I am. Come for me.
I like this, I really do. It dovetails with what I like to call my "imperial thinking". It most likely isn't that we aren't enough but small people fear those who are bigger than they are, be it by experience, potential, accomplishments or any combination of, individually or all three qualities together.
First, there is an arrogance, an audacity, even, that comes with demanding what we feel we are worth. Because I am 1) a brother, 2) living in the world like you are, and 3) and in seeing the predicitions that I made to myself in high school are coming to pass, it is high time that women of all ages and expectations, get on board with the new paradigm -- PARTNERSHIPS!
Relationships should be value added... how dare someone enter a life and dimishes it glow!! I, for one, am not sympathetic to whether or not you were hugged as a child, or you met the "wrong person" and they left you in a state... "what have you been doing?" I am wont to ask, "have you been doing since whatever happened to you in the last relationship?"
Men, BROTHERS in particular, have lost their way as times have changed... they are not competitive, not merely because of a social condition (too many to pick from... I could tell you, but I would have to charge..! :) but because men are designed to acknoledge the alpha and then fall in line... women, IMO, are still looking for that provider/protector, an alpha, to be their partner... this is me talkin' out of my butt, but biology... so, what to do..?
Be more demanding, more circumspect in your choices... your heart is too big, your love runs too deep, to be given to any swingin' D*ck on the street... and yeah, trust that I get that there may well be a "waiver" issued ... I know that I have been in need of one myself, but there are still core traits that cannot be waived...
A leader, fair and just, LEADS... he does not saddle his partner with his tales of woe, about how a "brother can't get a break"... I will be 47 this Septemeber... assuming that you date age appropriate men, when are these guys going to decide that they need to MAKE their break and to get over themselves..?
I can be hard on a sisters... that was more of a phase than anything... the MAN shortage has been building since the dawn of the information age in the 70's... now specific to the brothers, the fall from the perch began after the civil rights fight... instead of taking advantage of the opportunities that were earned, it seems pretty obvious what the brothers chose to do...
No, I am not nor have I ever been an apologists for men... and here is a big secret about men... a good man or even a man with potential and possibilities, they respond to authority... and for a woman of such quality, I think that you should have standards and expectations that suit you and the life that you have made for yourself... and have them fit the role necessary...
The San Antonio Spurs have a system... you want to play for the Spurs, you fit to the system... the system does not change to accomodate you... I do believe you should do something similar.
You know what you want. You know what you require. NEVER settle for less than that... I think you are a fair enough woman and that your wants are not exhorbitant or anything... so make a cat AT LEAST meet the minimum before you fall for him... hey, I turn 47 in a few months... we are ALL running off into the sunset... and who wants to be riding with a brother in drag..? (cause he is a Drama Queen!!)
...okay... I will cease with the hijacking of your post..!1878
Oh the richness of these comments! I could just swim in them for all eternity!
WOW! WOW! WOW!
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