"You Can't Be Who You're Going To Be
and Who You Used To Be
At The Same Time"
T.D. Jakes, Oprah's Life Class
That is the dilemma for those of us who walk in our faith and walk in the world. The judgement of myself is harsher than any hell I could possibly be sentenced to upon my death... for living such a sinful life. Ha!
In my spiritual life as I grow mature in my thinking and in my faith. I have come to realize that the absence of sin is not the goal. I don't mean go and do all manner of things that cause harm and goes against God and humanity. What I am talking about is God cant be defined as the bean counter of sins. God's love has nothing to do with how much sin we have or live or do. The goal is always love. Love is the lesson. Love is the test. Love is the answer. Love is the question. Love is everything. Love makes you wanna do right and in doing right you get closer to God. And in doing wrong brings you closer to God... different paths same results... getting closer to God. The path of love is peaceful, joyous, liberating.
I've been exploring love for a good many years now. The kind of love that God calls me to....joyful, peaceful liberating. The kind of love that I have been running from my entire life. I have been working to reconcile my spiritual growth with my longing for experiences I've had and thought I missed. My physical maturity is parallel to my spiritual maturing. This is so good as I stand in my body at 51. The realization of Bishop T.D. Jakes quote is like a balm and a punch at the same time. It gives a name and definition to the uneasiness that I couldn't figure out... it is healing and tormenting. I can't be who I am going to be and who I used to be at the same time. Therein lies the long standing unnamed, undefined dilemma... until this moment. I get it. Now.
I suspect I've always gotten it, but tried desperately to dwell in the duality of that which is my life. I want to do the things I used to do, because I feel like I missed out. And yet I am called to a greater state of being...albeit unknown...a greatness still. The battle raging inward is about worth. Shame. And self doubt... and wait for it...FEAR!
Clearly the path is clearing for a new definition that says I am becoming who I am becoming and who I used to be is of no matter any more. I am not interested in going back... or staying where I am. That's what I must embrace. This is the poppy field Dorothy and we must leave. Shake off the tiredness and the overwhelming desire to sleepwalk through life. Too afraid to live bold and grand. Living an excuses driven life. A life filled with lack and doom and gloom and chores and routine and drudgery. Of buying endless lottery tickets because to create your own abundance is too daunting. This is not about wealth but real zest for life! Deep breaths and nothing taken for granted. Yes, I've got to give up the poppy field and get over the fence and down the road to my destiny.