Saturday, May 17, 2014

Closing Some Doors

I am walking through some doors and I am not looking back and when they swing shut, they will remain shut.

There is no sense in hovering in the doorway waiting for a good enough reason to come in and stay.  There is no sense in hovering in the doorway looking for any reason to flee. I am tired of doorways... I want to come in and be warm and welcomed.

I am making my moves based on what I need for the road ahead today... right now. I do not have to convince myself to do anything except be brave and honor my heart and mind and soul.  With as much clarity as dreams can hold and be, I am discovering more of what I want.

The push back from the world and my audience of naysayers (well-meaning, but not meaning well) can cloud my vision if I let them. I used to let them. I am seeing past all that mess, looking to the horizon.

Oh Babz, Gurl where you wanna be, what you wanna do? Ugh. I swear I feel all gived out. I want to be more selfish. I want to rescue me more. I want to tend to my creative spirit a bit more. It always seems the day catches me short and my little wishes and pleasures get shelved for another day. Yes, that is the mother's reality for awhile until they grow up and on.  Maybe I am feeling the shift of my children growing up and on... and I can see little pieces of time freeing up and the more I see the more I want until I can hardly bear the confines of routine and responsibility and commitment. Oh another door is closing...slowly for sure, but closing all the same.

I am embracing all kinds of uncertainty... last year I was terrified of more loss and more hardship. That door has closed too. The fears are at bay and I no longer feel urgent...rushed..panicked or totally scared. Eh.

Off to enjoy the rest of this glorious day. Opening the door to rest and relaxation.

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