“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God.
In between answering and asking, there is knowing and trusting and braving the questions asked and being daring enough to answer.
What the fuck am I doing? And how do I know when and how to sacrifice happiness for routine and mundane? Do I get to have an exciting life? And what is that longing for an exciting life and what the hell do I consider exciting? No I do not mean the juvenile definition of an exciting life... endless parties, lovers and headaches. I did that in my 20s to early 30s. At 50 defining an exciting life takes on a new level of discernment and contemplation. There is a boldness to saying yes to this and no to that.
Maybe sacrifice isn't the word I would use to speak to this malaise. Perhaps the way to frame this for myself is to think about how to have an exciting life along side routine and mundane. Maybe that's the illusive balance talked about ad nauseum by people who have neither, and haven't been able to fully show or teach or live themselves balanced.
Balance is an illusion.
What is real, is consistent effort. For example I say to my kids the way to become a good reader is to read everything all the time. But doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results is INSANITY. Back to my original questions... what the fuck am I do. I am going around like in a circle. What is the thing I am doing wrong that is keeping me in this cyclical bullshit? UGH!
Hey Zora, I am moving through questions and answers. God does not care if I like the questions or answers. God only says "hey, I'm with you... hang with me and allow the path to illuminate as you move forward"
Shifting into my divine mind. Taking all this to prayer. Seeking silence. I know how to do this. I often forget to do this as a survival tool. I forget I have a spiritual tool box chock full of grace centered TOOLS!
There is no urgency that I need to comply with. I am on God's time. I move at my own pace to my detriment or benefit. I know when things are urgent, just as I know when being still is the right course of action.
Being still isn't doing nothing. Being still means allowing God to direct. What does this mean? It means stop talking. Stop wringing hands and worrying. It means stop talking. It means catch your breath and calmly allow grace to show up.
Time for deep prayer.