And yet I act as though I will get a another chance at this. Sometimes I act as though I will get a do over for a a good part of my life. OK NOT!
It always takes death and tragedy to bring me smack up close to my own mortality. And when its a celebrity death that seems untimely, I get all nervous. I begin to take a long look over my own life. I start thinking about my own passing and what will that mean. I am not being morbid, nor am I depressed or something. Looking at my own mortality is my reality check.
I am dragged back to the over arching questions of who am I? And want do I want? I used to believe that there was one great answer for each of these questions. I used to think that one definition would suffice. I have come to realize that I am a woman of many passions and interests. That who I am and what I want changes, shifts and yes, transitions. I can take a breath and allow the questions to arise and not become twisted about the answers. The answer is in my living. The answer is I am. Whatever it is at the moment that is the answer. Once I take away all the stuff that is projected onto my life... other people's opinions and spin, I can clearly contemplate my being. If there are shoulds ( I should do this... that or the other thing), they are the ones I heap on myself. If I want to be in love, then its on me to be in love right now.
I am concerned and unconcerned with time. I have done a great deal in my life and I know there is more to do. The more to do does not come with a sense of urgency. I am in the flow of doing what moves me and what is needed. I do know life is short. I do know that waiting for someone else to give me the life of my dreams is crap. I know what it is to waste time on people, places and things. Time marches on whether I accomplish my dreams, fall in love, wait for something to happen or not.