Merry Christmas! Temptations - Silent Night

Most Of Us Need A Love Sounding Board! By William Spivey, Guest Blogger

One of the coolest things about social media and the world wide web is you can meet people who just connect with you in unimaginable ways. I have been most fortunate to have met a great many folks who have added to the the beauty and abundance of my life. Folks who have become as dear to me as my everyday-in-my-face family-and-friends. William Spivey is definitely one of those people. He penned this post as my guest on my blog. After one of our great and illuminating conversations he suggested I write about the worth and value of having a sounding board in matters of love... No, I said, you write about it. And so he did and here it is:

Most of us Need a Love Sounding Board!

Love is hard to get right under the best of circumstances. Unless you’re one of the ones that meets the love of your life on the first try and you somehow manage to grow at relatively the same pace and communicate well enough to overcome the obstacles of life. You’re likely to fail at least once and in some cases often before getting it right if ever.

One thing women are somewhat better than men at is having a sounding board to share some of their trials and tribulations and get advice to consider beside their own counsel. I’m going to attempt to walk a thin line here and generalize about both men and women by saying women often seek counsel from the wrong sources while men often choose to go it alone. Neither method has a good track record of success. 

The optimum solution is to find your love sounding board that helps you work through your situation and is looking for the best resolution for you as opposed to them. With that in mind I have a few tips for choosing your love sounding board. They may be someone you already know well. The rationale for that is that hopefully they know you pretty well also and can make suggestions based on a working knowledge of your likes and dislikes and as important your history which if left to your own devices you are likely to repeat.

    
In a seeming contradiction your sounding board may be almost a complete stranger or         someone you only know through social media. Your sounding board to be effective must ask some deeply personal questions and it’s sometimes easier to communicate openly with someone you’ve never met as opposed to someone you have to look in the eye every day.

     

     They should ask you questions and lead you to examining and making your own choices as opposed to only telling you what you should do. Some sounding boards have their own agenda and/or strong beliefs and end up not helping you to determine what’s best for you but instead tell you what they would do in a similar situation.

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     They should be able to keep a confidence. If it’s someone you already know well they have already demonstrated whether they have that ability. They have told you who they are… believe them. A stranger that has no contact with your circle of friends may seem safe but in these days of Twitter, Instagram and Facebook it still pays to be discerning.

  

      Start slow. You don’t need to reveal your deepest secrets or fears in your first discussion although if you never reveal them you may be blocking the benefits you hoped to achieve. Ultimately there will come a time for truth telling if you want real help with your relationship concerns.

It might seem with all that I’ve mentioned that it might be best to forego a sounding board altogether and work things out yourself. You could start by asking yourself how well keeping everything to yourself has worked for you in the past? People both men and women like what they like and without an intervention are likely to repeat the same patterns over and over. My weakness was cheerleader types and I found myself attracted to pretty but relatively self-centered women that put their own interests and needs far above my own. Until someone pointed that out to me I never realized it and I submit that each of you have some pattern you are following that might not be in your best interest.

My sounding board asks me tough questions which I sometimes avoid initially but it is in discovering the answers where growth and change occur. While I have great male friends the best advice I get comes from the opposite sex which may or may not work for each of you. She asks me what I want, what is my plan, is it likely to succeed? Sometimes I go down a different path which results in the same questions put in different ways; is that what you want, is this part of your plan, will this choice make you happy?

I was (past tense) the type to go it totally on my own in love matters. I kept choosing the same type of woman which initially may have fed my ego but ultimately didn’t make me happy. Left to my own devices I’d be seeking the next cheerleader that ultimately wasn’t the best match for my personality. If going it alone hasn’t gotten you where you want to be. Seek out a sounding board that can help you redirect yourself by asking the pertinent questions that allow you to examine your own patterns and hopefully make the changes that will lead you to your relationship goal.

William Spivey happily lives in Orlando, Florida and can be found on Facebook or emailed at wspiv001@aol.com

Tis the Season of Masking

The cry for help is not HEY HELP ME! The cry for help often shows up like "I'm FINE!", "Oh no everything is good", "No, really I am fine", "Don't worry about me", or you make plans in advance to attend an event/party/activity and then decide you can't go for no good reason... This is the season of disappearing. The season of merry merry happy happy just not for you. And when I say you, I mean me. This is about me and how I am experiencing my life right now.

In all this celebratory reds and golds and silver tinsel and lights, and lights and more lights, I am finding myself blue. Intensely blue. Dangerously blue. Blue which is code for depressed. I am in this season of depression and I find myself doing more to mask my sadness than ever before.

Masking is being inauthentic, it is not walking in my truth. it is about putting on a front as to not alarm loved ones, so as to not have the focus be on me, to come from under the bright lights, to allow for others to shine, while I hold on and be present. My presence is needed and if I am smiling everyone else will smile. This is the season of Merry Merry Happy Happy. Tis the season of masking.

There are of course pockets of joy and surprise in each day. I love Christmas. This is the season of mystery and wonder and hope. This year just seems harder for me than usual. Perhaps my wants are greater than my reality. I could make a list, but I won't because it just feels like giving in and giving too much energy to that. Old wounds are itching, begging for my attention.

What to do? I am not without tools... a deep treasure chest of tools for just this kind of crossroads

1.  Make time to sit quietly and be still
2. Read devotionals and other sacred inspirational words and poetry
3. Keep a Prayer journal
4. Get to Church and fellowship
5. Cut myself some slack and use kind words to myself
6. Seek opportunities to laugh more
7. Sleep fully
8. Eat good food, leave junk food alone
9. Listen to uplifting soul music
10. Pay attention to all the things that are going well
11. Allow those that love me to take care of me
12. Be kinder to myself
13. Be kinder to myself
14. Be kinder to myself
15. Be kinder to myself

I HAVE WON! FINISHED! HOORAY!

51,191 words!

NaNoWriMo2015 is MINE!

NaNoWriMo 2015 YES! The 7th Year Is The Charm

Yes. Again. For the 7th year. I am in. NaNoWriMo 2015 

So for the next 30 days I won't be here. I'll be there. Writing a novel within a month.

Cheer for me. Pray for me.

I am finishing this year! I swear it!

On Another Note... Freedom Of A Different Sort

When I was newly divorced it seemed like my whole world was dumped upside down on top of all the other mess I was dealing with, I thought my marriage was on solid ground. I couldn't believe it when I realized it wasn't. I didn't see divorce coming. Couldn't accept it. After it was finalized it took me about a year to not feel "still married" and another 2 years before I could actually date someone... be seen naked... enjoy sex. Eventually I did. It was hard and sad. So sad I started a support group for folks in various stages of divorce. Anyway, this ain't about that. (Oh my ex was married within a year of our divorce)

When I thought I was in love a few years ago with "The Potential Mr. Babz" it was a little different.... We'd break up... Reconnect... break up. He was like a bad habit. Seriously. I've always carried this fantasy that we were destined for each other. And in some respects we were. I was destined to learn some very valuable lessons that widened my spiritual path. I put up with a lot of bullshit and manipulation from him. I allowed him to dishonor my peace of mind. Then one day I had enough. I pushed him out of my house, out of my life and out of my heart. I blocked his calls, returned his letters and notes, and just went on about my life. Started dating and enjoying being out and about... well almost (That's a whole other story). The point is, I moved on from "him"

Yesterday "he" texted me from another number... This bullshit "I miss my friend... I've been praying for you since you were 14 years old, I have loved you always"  Oh and he threw in some french words. Mutherfucker please.

I was not moved. My heart didn't do flips. My mind didn't wander to past intimate moments. I did not entertain any "what ifs"  I AM FREE! He no longer has any influence or power over my heart and mind. The fantasy of us is in the ether. He is no longer my fantasy. He hasn't been for many years. I was fooling myself, trying to recreate what I thought I lost in my marriage. I was kidding myself making decisions based on being lonely. I wanted someone to want me. I wanted to prove that I was a good catch. And that's how I ended up spending 3 years of my life with that nut. He was never my friend. He was an emotional bully. He was fiscally and spiritually draining. He was never concerned about my well being, he brought me more stress and drama to my life than I have ever had in any relationship pre and post marriage. He was a reflection of my state of being.... A mess. I had no business trying to jump into "Happily Ever After" with him or anybody else for that matter at that time.

It's been about 2 1/2 years since his exit. I am FREE. Really FREE to invite in love that I am truly destined for. Yesterday was like the universe saying Gurl go get you some good love!

In spite of all the uncertainty in my life at the moment, no matter how lost I am, I remain always hopeful about the possibility of true love falling on me. I unequivocally cannot go back for more where there was only LESS! That guy was LESS!

Oh and yes that new number he texted from? BLOCKED!

Dark Night Of My Soul..

I live with this acute awareness of pain... Hurt... Echoing of past, present and maybe future wounds.
From every direction I am overwhelmed with shit. I don't know how to get through any of it. I don't know what to do. I truly do not know what to do. I am weary of talking. I am wearing of lamenting what ails me. I am weary of my life.

Everything hurts. Everything brings its own sense of unhappiness, This is real drowning and fear and overwhelm. It's as if no one sees that I am drowning because I look like I am swimming. And maybe that's my fault. I've handled sadness and disappointment so well, that no one associates that with me... I've made the handling of my pain seamless.

This isn't a cross road, or a fork in the road. I am absolutely lost. And not only am I lost, I have no desire to fight for anything. Nothing. I am tired of everything and everyone. I am operating at the bare minimum.

It is said that things get worse before they are better... Maybe this is my worse into better moment. Maybe this my time to wrestle for my soul. Maybe this is desolation for me. I am just waiting for everything to crash down upon me. I can't seem to think my way clear of anything. I can't seem to behave my way through any of it. I feel like I am pretending all the time.

I am not without tools. I am not without resources. I am not without loving caring family and friends. I am better than most. What I am is tired. Weary. Disillusioned and ashamed that I am any of this.

Off to bed I go. Rest is prayer. A good night's sleep is prayer. Good music that moves the soul is prayer. Deliberate peaceful thoughts is prayer. Breathing is prayer.