FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: KEEPING PERSPECTIVE

If I really sat down and really thought about my life and all that has happened and is happening, I probably would go to the nearest tallest building and jump. Yes, jump. Because on first glance there is drama and turmoil and uncertainty, financial ruin, pending divorce, supervised release--newly released from federal prison, house in foreclosure and issues with being overweight. Who's life is this? And why would anyone want to go on in the face of all this madness? I DO! Even though all this seems overwhelming in print, and it is in real life too, I remind myself of what my dearest friend Ron always says: "let's keep some perspective" and he runs through all the good things that have happened to me, and he reminds me of my resiliency to overcome obstacles. Good friends are like that, they remind you of who you are and wrap you in the blanket of keeping perspective. The reality is, yes I have a lot of shit on my plate--which is more like a buffet platter now! How can I whine about anything when I have my health and people who love me and care about me and have supported me without so much as a hint of being tired. Yes, I have my moments of despair and blue-ness but at the end of the day, I pick myself up, say my prayers and as my dear brother Rob likes to say "Keep it Moving" So today I am sad and blue but I am also keeping perspective--it is not the end of my world and good days are right now.

HOLDING IT DOWN

Yesterday was a tough day. The job that I thought I was going to interview for can't hire folks on supervised release. I am beginning to see how difficult it is for people on probation or newly released from prison. I have skills, education and a strong professional work history, and still it is going to be an uphill battle. Or maybe not. Maybe I have to think about this in a much more optimistic way--which suits me. I am very optimistic by nature so I can't imagine that I wouldn't find a job. It never occurs to me that I wouldn't find a job. So last night I cried myself to sleep because I was feeling overwhelmed and alone and tired. But this morning I popped up said my prayers and I am right back to holding it down. I said this before and it bears repeating--Alice Walker wrote: "The way forward is with a broken heart". So I am holding it down like a Warrior Queen and I am moving forward with my broken heart in tow.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THANK YOU FOR LEAVING ME

I was so pissed at my estranged husband. I have been praying and praying to have the grace to let go of this mess. He left me. I am standing here not understanding what happened. So since I asked for the keys to the house and my ride, he has been busy. Busy separating me from the car insurance, the cell phone account and the joint bank accounts. He said I need to be independent and that he was happy that I asked for the keys because he was tired of being responsible for me. OK. I was so furious that I emailed him my feelings--not cussing him out, but really saying what I wanted to say for a long time--from the safety of my computer. I let him know how I felt about all this and our past history. Then I re-read what I wrote and the light from on high came on! Looking at our history laid out before my eyes startled me. WHY IN GOD"S NAME WOULD I WANT TO CONTINUE IN THIS MARRIAGE WITH ALL THIS PAST AND PRESENT DRAMA. Oh my God! I got it! Now there are 3 sides to a story, my side, his side and the truth. I gotta tell you I think I am closer to the truth than he and I have family and friends who support this. Truth be told I should have left him years ago when all the physical and verbal abuse started. But we went to counseling and moved the marriage forward. But as the years went on there were more incidents of abusive behaviour and still I hung in. Telling myself all marriages have problems. All marriages have their issues. Dr. Robin was right, "as long as we are willing to call things anything and everything except what it is, then we allow ourselves to stay in the mess."
My husband did me a favor by leaving me. He really did. And I am able to see it now because I can speak truth to power. All this turmoil and upheaval in my life is really about preparing me for the greater days ahead. I understand that today, in this moment. I was so tortured about being left that I was willing to believe his spin about me. I almost let his shit become my reality. I almost lost my confidence in who I am and what I can do. I am a Warrior Queen.
So we have called a truce and I am committed to co-parenting. And I am moving forward on my own terms, on my own steam and on my own strength.
So thank you husband for leaving me. You have set me free in ways you could never imagine and I say THANK YOU!

FEELING LIKE THE WARRIOR QUEEN THAT I AM

Today was pretty good. My minister stopped by with a lead on a gig. I almost jumped out of my skin! Do you know what a job will mean? Anyway a woman in church heard me address the congregation before I left for my 29 days in Danbury and she was so moved by whatever it was I said. Anyway she spoke to my minister and said perhaps there might be a job where she works. Honey I called that woman today and we had a nice talk. They are launching a new initiative--now hold on and know the power of GOD, this initiative will help women who are newly released from prison or are on probation to help link them to community programs. Are you kidding! If this ain't a job for me I don't know what is! Anyway, she did say that the money was low and of course she was well aware that I could command a big salary. Are you kidding me...I have no salary at the moment. A sister ain't proud! So I am emailing my resume to her right now and if the stars are aligned and my mojo is working, I could have a job SOON! I am going to be this excited each time a job prospect comes my way. I am going to get a job!

Warriors, Come Out and Play…..

Yes, I know, I said I was finished blogging for Babz. But I need(ed) to blog about Babz. My sister thinks I am very smart and extremely talented…which is true. I’m not boasting, but I’ve long since acknowledged my talents and strengths, and am the first to identify my challenges (read weaknesses to others). However, I recognize my source of strength, or rather the foundation by which my talents and intellect were born and nurtured. My mother, brothers, sister, 6th grade teacher and my father have had the most significant impact on my life. I included my father, because the level of brutality, mean-spiritedness, and abusive behavior forms the crux of how I interact with men specifically, and people in general.

Anyway…. my sister was one of my heroes before I knew what that really meant. I couldn’t verbalize her significance in my pubescence, but began to clearly understand her impact when I reached high-school. With college, I could appreciate what having Babz for a sister was worth, and by the time I moved to NJ, knew that we were not just great sisters, but she is a best friend. Now, I don’t use the word friend lightly. I only have a few, and four of them I’ve already mentioned. My rule is, if I have more friends than fingers, I’ve got too many friends. Not that I don’t care about people, and I want them to care about me. But, I only have a few people that I know will go to battle w/ me no questions asked, or if they do ask, they ask the questions that matter, not what did I do, but what do I need now.

My Mom taught me what unconditional love looks like, feels like. If I don’t feel that, you can’t be my friend. I know some will say that’s harsh, but I don’t take friendship lightly. If you’re my friend, it’s for life. I didn’t get to choose my brothers and sister, aunts or uncles. But, I do/did get to choose my posse, my ride or die partners, my I-got-your-back-no-matter-what crew. Enough said about friendship. Now, Babz has had this episode that I think has shaken her to her core and made her doubt her capabilities. I post this for all to see. Babz is not a survivor, she is a warrior. We are warriors. Survivors… survive. Warriors survive and conquer. So, let’s kick some ass Babz. Yes, my cage has been rattled, and I want Babz and whoever else reads this blog to know this: this episode was one moment in time, one episode in the life of Babz. An anomaly. The good times are coming back around. But, I want my sister to know I love her, I adore her. I know you.

Babz, I’m sorry your marriage is ending. But it is. Let’s keep it moving. To Babz’ husband if he’s reading: too bad for you. I don’t wish you any ill will, but too bad for you. I’m sorry for the kids. I’m really pissed that the concerns you had for your marriage weren’t important enough for you to check that shit before now, before the marriage, before the kids were adopted, before the house. I have said to Babz frequently, you set the bar to high for him and now you’re tripping, not him, over the bar. So, in closing, Babz, I’ve got your back. I think you can save the house, reinvent yourself, and make six figures. Yes, I believe, because I know you. Fuck the husband, the media, and the naysayers. They don’t exist in my world and they shouldn’t exist in yours. Because at the end of the day (my favorite saying), it’s only about you…Babz. Be who you are, better yet, be the woman you want to be.

Warriors, come out and play…...

MAKING MY WAY FORWARD OR HOW I AM BECOMING THE GREATEST DRAGON SLAYER THAT EVER LIVED

So yesterday, my estranged husband comes by to give me money for the groceries. He lets himself in with keys. I decided in that moment to take the keys away. I asked for the keys to this house and keys to MY minivan. If this marriage is over...and it IS! then he can't just waltz in whenever he feels like it. There has to be rules. A couple of weeks before I left to self-surrender to the federal prison camp he stood in my kitchen in the midst of an argument about him seeing his kids on a regular basis and said to my face: I left you get over it! So this is my getting over it--give me my keys to my house, keys to my ride. Call before you come over and I will do the grocery shopping from now on.

Here's what I now for sure: I can get through this. I just went to prison. I am bankrupt and will probably lose this house. I am getting through this all. I am not broken and I am not defeated. My fighting spirit is strong.
My estranged husband is right, he left and I have to get over it. On to the next dragon!

THE SPELL OF PRISON IS BROKEN...AND I AM SO FINE

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTED MY BLOG WHILE I WAS DOING MY TIME.

Thanks to my Sister Lo for holding it down for 29 days. She mailed me the blog entries a few times and they were really good. My sister is so talented. I must have missed that gene.

I have a lot to say about my prison camp experience, I just need a bit more time to process. I should have blogged earlier, but I couldn't. I just didn't have the nerve to do it. But here I am, today was my day to snap out of my pseudo-funk and break the spell of prison.

I am grateful to be home with my kids in familiar surroundings. I'll have more to say in the days ahead...trust that.