I have been acting like to want anything is to be unworthy of everything.
It came full circle this morning in church as I was reading the 23 Psalm... The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
I realized that in not allowing myself to want, what I am really doing is saying I don't deserve.
As I inventory my life I can clearly see where I am doing this. I am doing this with money. I am doing this with weight loss. I am doing it with launching my projects. I am doing this in seeking a partner/lover/husband. I am doing this just about everywhere in my everyday practical life.
I dream a good game. And then I sabotage all my dreams because I won't say out loud what I want. I won't write down what I want. I won't take to prayer what I want. This is not a want issue it is a deserving issue.
As long as I don't think I deserve shit. I won't get shit. There is no plainer way to say it.
I remember when I was a student at the School of Spirituality at the Mercy Center. We were discussing God and prayer. I was saying how ashamed I was for wanting to pray for things that were unique and personal to me when there were people in the world experiencing real hardships and losses. That my prayers were petty and selfish and insulting to God. I really did think this. My loving and divine teacher Sister Patty gently said God can handle it all. There is room for all prayers. God is big. You are reducing God to your human self rather than allowing God to be boundless glorious God.
This is what I know moving forward... Sometimes not allowing yourself to want is code for worthlessness. Getting to this understanding requires truth telling to my soul. What am I afraid of asking for? Why am I not worthy of the things I want? This is where I have the most work to do.