The death of my friend Regina Winters-Toussaint has caused me to put my well-being to the top of my everyday practical life list. I am doing too much and I am not happy. I am measuring my well-being by how much tiredness, loneliness, poor diet, dehydration and headaches I can endure daily. I am killing myself.
So I have to be about the real business of SAVING MYSELF.
I wake up at 3:00 am almost every night. For a long time, I just thought it was because I miss my mother. And perhaps some of that is true. But I think the bigger truth is I haven't been in love with myself for a very long time. So I wake with this weight of uneasiness and sadness and aloneness that can't be filled with civic duties, Board commitments, community activism, motherhood or masturbation.
Now this isn't news in and of itself... What is news is that I want to tackle it and deal with it and honor it.
Oh, I am certain my upcoming birthday has everything to do with this excavation of my heart and mind. I feel the need to inventory my life and toss and or keep things that are absolutely joyous to my spirit. That includes people.
Here's what I am going to do:
1) Write my obituary and plans for my end of life
2) Finish my memoir
3) Rediscover the love I have for myself
4) Say yes to things I only want to honestly do.
5) Be an artist
I'll be back for my birthday. May 2. I'll have a blog party! Right here!