Monday, December 2, 2013

FEAR Costs

We do indeed get what we ask for.  The problem is so few are ready for it. (This is always about me and my bullshit)

As I look over my life in this moment, everything I've ever longed for I have.  Beautiful children, a  very beautiful man who LOVES me. A career path that is setting me up for my life's work. Strong family and amazing friends far and wide.

There is a realization that I am stepping into my destiny.

I am not prepared for the longings of my heart. And herein lies the long held secret....

I am allowing fear to have a bigger say in my destiny.

I am succumbing to the bullshit of fear and I feel like I am standing across the street watching my life disintegrate.  By my own hands I am destroying the very things I said I wanted.  It is gripping and nauseating all at once.  I see myself after the fact.... mean words, evil tempered, indifferent. I process this mess after the fact, after I torched the village.  After I have swung the machete and cut down those that I love to shreds.  And after a good period of time my cooler head shows up, I realized the destruction. This isn't how I want to live or be, or exist.

Now I am not suggesting that I eat shit and roll over. I gotta have some say.  I gotta be able to convey my thoughts and feelings.  I am talking about the delivery, not silencing the message. The delivery is destructive.  The ego is the problem. The resistance to submission of what is right and true and good and in God's favor.

This a depth I haven't been willing to reach.  And yet I have no choice but to keep on excavating because I want MORE! And whatever the cost of freedom and broad sweeping, grand love calls for a kind of fearlessness that I never thought I could get to.  Yet, here I am digging for more.

So afraid, so tired and so wanting the life of my dreams. I am understanding the need for prayer... I am not asking for miracles, although that would be fine.  What I want is greater ability to go deeper. What I want is less focus on my personal bullshit and more extending myself on the behalf of someone else.  But not as a doormat and silly foolish woman. A woman with guts and courage, who recognizes bullshit and fake fuckery.  But this isn't that. This isn't even close to that kind of bullshit.  This is about someone meeting me more than halfway with their heart on a platter... no secrets, no illusions, no games. Real transparency and honesty and vulnerability. This kind of maturity takes my breath away every day.

What I want is to open myself to true love, not the princess fairy-tale shit that asks nothing... gives nothing and everything is hinged on a damn kiss. I want a love that says I see you and all your bullshit and yet I want to be with you, near you, in you. A love that leaps and soars and gives until it hurts beyond measure. The kind of love that just is.

Fear costs. I thought I was done.  Debt paid.  What I am learning is that fear doesn't just leave you alone... like a persistent debt collector, it keeps at you.  With fear the debt can never be paid.  The key is understanding that I have the power to stamp myself debt free. I HAVE THE POWER!

Tomorrow is a new day.  A new opportunity to choose love over fear.  Love over fear regardless of what gifts fear comes bearing.  And make no mistake fear comes with gifts otherwise why the fuck do I keep entertaining and inviting fear into my sacred spaces? Fear costs and I've been paying for so long, I feel guilty letting go. There is something to be said about holding onto pain.  It is self-serving, even if I refuse to own that.

We get what we want and often we are unprepared for the actual getting of our heart's desires.

The grace is knowing that and divinely seeking to change that mindset. I am.

I am.

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