Monday, November 18, 2013

I Remember Myself

I just can't keep talking about "Our Plan for Our Life"  I just can't stand hearing how I am once again not doing my part... more... less...  I just can't stand in the harsh light of ongoing criticism.

DO YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING WORKING? ANYTHING GOOD ABOUT ME, US, MY KIDS?

Resentment is creeping in.  Weariness is creeping in.  Falling out of love, but always loved shows up.  I daydream of love that sweeps me up and takes my breath away.  A love that doesn't care too much for order and disarray.  I want to hear I'm doing a good job.  That I am raising  fine children.  This sounds like I've let doubt in.  How is that possible? I despise women who sell out for a man's affection/approval/acknowledgement. I hate the way my kids look at me after an argument with the Potential Mr. Babz... like I'm selling out... weak... brow beaten. If they see me defeated in my spirit it sends the message that I have no voice.  I see it and it makes me ashamed. This is not who I am.

So I've retreated deep into my heart.  I just can't talk anymore about an Us that does not exist.  If I hear "30 days of consistent effort" I will scream so loud the heavens will think Christ is ready to reveal he has returned.

I want a different life. And I cannot be manipulated into a different sort of life of routine and mundane chores and order.  I want disorder bordering on chaos.  I want art supplies all over the place so if the mood strikes we could create something... anything that strikes our fancy!  I want a home that invites the artists and the intellects together! I want a spiritually grounded space, with incense and jazz.  I want a wine collection. I want cut flowers in every room! I want vibrancy and provocative talk at dinner and lots and lots and lots of laughter!

I want a Christmas tree in my bedroom this year!  Hell, I want a tree in every room!

I want sheer JOY!  You can't get that through constant unrelenting whining about mundane shit.  I am relationship fatigued.

I am remembering who I am.  I am reconnecting to my badd ass self.  I remember myself.  The woman who was.. is fearless and talkative and bold.  The plan for my life is no plan at all.  I want my children to know that and understand that. Life is short.  I want them to have enough of a plan so they're never homeless, or hungry or doubting your ability to do anything at all. But be disciplined in your dreams. Work for your dreams.  Hustle for your dreams and don't let anyone tell you No, or you can't or that you can't achieve your dreams.

I am remembering myself. Conqueror. Woman of many talents. The conversation has to be different, the tone, content, and energy has to be different. I have to be able to come to the discussion from abundance and not lack.  I can't ever stand in the space of lack.  I lack nothing... not courage, not common sense, not willpower, not focus, not discipline, not intellect, not hope, not love.  I lack nothing.  God has equipped me with tools beyond measure.  I am remembering who I am.

I am remembering who I am.  I am OK taking this life's journey alone... God always has my back.


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