More Me At 50

I don't imagine I'll make it to 100 years, but who knows medical technology is ever evolving and new cures are discovered daily.  With that being said, there is a confidence at 50 that I've always had but only now I can fully embrace without fear of hurting feelings.  I mean what I say and say what I mean And I expect that from other people.  The urgency to get ahead, make friends and be nice  are no longer my priorities.

I do not feel guilty for my pleasure.  I do not hang around people who feel guilty about the the things that bring them pleasure.  I don not hang around people who won't even entertain their pleasures.

When I say no, I mean no.

I don't feel compelled to show up to stuff that I don't want to show up at.

I no longer do meetings.  Give me a task and a deadline and that's it.

I go my own way.  I am not moved by popular culture or what's "In".

I don't care if everyone's doing it....  If I am not interested I am not doing it.

I am excited by my own company.  I don't need a posse, a wingman, or a sidekick.  I can sit at any bar anywhere in the world and feel absolutely at home.

I like my body.  I love the way clothes fit my body.  I am done hating myself for not being the me of my 20s.

I plan my do-nothing days and I am proud of that.

The sense of urgency I feel is all about being more of myself at 50 than I have ever been.  It's about moving toward my dreams and making things happen for myself.  I realize that I no longer seek the approval of my circle to chase my dreams, all I want is their support. And If I don't get it or have it, I still press on.

I am more me at 50 and I find that quite profound.  I feel very much on the right path... minus a few bumps and glitches.  That's life, always changing, always giving me something new to ponder and experience.  Corny indeed, but oh so authentic.  I am more me at 50 than I have ever been and I love it.

A Reminder....

There are days when I forget.  There are days when I am so consumed with who I will become that I lose sight of just how amazing I already am!

So today I am reminding myself.  I AM ENOUGH.

The Gift Of Vacation: How I Got My Groove Back

Giving myself permission to vacation was a luxury.  I am glad I just said yes and went.  I had no idea how stressed and  unhappy I was until I went away and was absolutely carefree. Moving at my own pace with no agenda and no shoulds, or have-tos.

Being on vacation allowed me to see my life from a different place. Yes, of course I knew I was drowning, I knew I was suffering.  I knew I needed to change my mind and my perspective.  Vacationing with Sister-friends renewed me and allowed me to miss the things that were important.  I still feel rested and relaxed after being home 2 days.

Granted, I am still a bit lost as to what to do next and how to move forward.  I have come to realize that knowing what happens next, in this instance isn't required as I step into the life I am creating.  And I am creating a life filled with people and experiences that bring me joy, and happiness and love.

The greatest value of vacationing is understanding that I gotta get off the grind in a real way periodically. Give myself back to myself in a real meaningful way. I have to do a better job of taking time outs and seeking quiet time to be still. Having two very different vacationing experiences was needed.  New Orleans was like a week of Friday nights! Party! Party! Party! I loved it, I remember when that was the norm. I stepped into the mood like I never left it.  I needed that kind of respite to remind me of my vibrancy and aliveness. The Sister-friends I was hanging with were just what my spirit needed... women of the same age, who were reaching to have more love in their lives too.

Martha's Vineyard was a very different trip indeed.  Oak Bluffs was like a week of Sundays... laid back, mellow and carefree.  I have forgotten what living without the weight of the world could be like.  Meandering through the day as if that was my occupation.  The doing of nothing was elevated to a fine art. I was so mellow and chilled the fuck out that taking a shower was way too much effort (although I did shower everyday). There were a couple of days where pajamas were the perfect outfit. The porch was the only destination and the commute was to the fridge for more beer or champagne. I took to the cool-out time like I couldn't believe. I needed it for my soul, for my heart, for my mind and for my body.  I let the tired me fall away and allowed the rejuvenated me reemerge. Oak Bluffs was a balm that soothed a weary woman. My Sorors understood and strongly encouraged the NO AGENDA, DO NOTHING, WE'RE ON VACATION  mindset. It was the house rule. I happily acquiesced.

I am happily back home.  All the same challenges remain.  All the same fears and doubts awaiting my return.
What has changed is my feelings about them, and my non-reaction to them. I am moving with a more serene perspective. I know how I want to live and it starts with peace in my mind...my whole being.  That is the gift of vacation. I do believe I got my groove back!

 

And Why Do I Want God To Rescue Me?

It has been my experience in my life that when I dragged my feet on any decision that had to be made... life would make the decision for me.

As I look at my life I can see every example of this.  I can see every fear based, paralyzing decision I couldn't make.  I used to think it was all sort of coincidence, but as I stepped closer to God and immersed myself in my faith, I now know that God had to do the intervening.  For better or for worse in my estimation,  God always works for the greater good even though I couldn't see that at the time.

So today I find myself begging God to rescue me from squandering my talents, wasting my time and not going after my heart's desire.  I am still not sure of the truth I see before me.... I am still looking off into the distance for something else.  I used to think it was something more... but I sense it's all about something else. Something else that I long for that I can't quite grasp.  In my dreams and waking moments I can see the peace-love-holiness I desire, seek and crave. 

At 50 I am acutely aware of time... not in hours or minutes, but having enough time to do all that I dream to do.  Time is a luxury, as are day dreams and waking thoughts of fantasy.  But time also inspires and ignites passions.  If not now, when? That's a time motivated statement.

So perhaps revisiting lists... The love List, the 1000 things I want to do before I die and perhaps a newer list of all the things that scare me to paralysis.

OK, so this is what I am taking to prayer: Why do I need God to rescue me? And am I being the best me outside of fear?