" I need to see consistent effort" I am not attracted to Big Sisters... but I love your spirit and energy" " Why can't you explore my requests"
What I know for sure is that loveships cannot exist when someone wants to be an overseer. Love cannot grow and develop if there are conditions that are so rigid that failure is imminent. I am trying to convey something that is truly one-sided, meaning I am telling my side without benefit of sharing all of the other side. But since this is my place of blogging, that's how it is.
What I want him to say is: I love you just as you are. If you never work out like the athlete you used to be that's fine with me. If you never ever lose one pound, I will love you to the end of time. I am not asking him to support me doing nothing. What I am asking hm to do is to take the pressure off. To allow me room to move at my pace...excuses and all. No one can be more concerned about my health than me. And that can't be a whipping tool. Love isn't about conditions. Requests shouldn't be veiled demands, that make me feel like I have no choice if I want him in my life. (which is bullshit) but so that it is, it makes me feel suffocated and very conscious of seeking approval by doing what was requested...which is really a veiled demand. See how it just goes round and round.
I am not asking anyone to co-sign my mess. Nor am I asking anyone to overlook my laziness. What I do want is unconditional support. What I want is cheering and rallying. What I want is someone to just bear witness and gently guide and direct. I know there is a fine line for encouragement and calling me out.
I just want to be loved with all the depth and breath possible.