So finally
He packed his things and moved out. It took some doing to get him out of my house, and now it's done! I do not miss the arguing, the nasty, snide comments, the disapproving glances, the quiet retreats from everyday basic conversation. We just didn't get along.
It started with so much promise. I had hoped this loveship would be thrilling, enriching, empowering and comforting. What it really turned out to be was kooky unmet expectations. Ignorant thinking, poor intellectual stimulation and great sex. Not enough to build anything of substance. "If only I would"...
He would lament day in and day out. If only I would be, do, think a certain kind of way. If only I never challenged him on decisions, ridiculous stances of right and wrong and truth. If only he could be the lord and master of our fate. As I look back on the last year, I realized I got just what I asked for. I got a poorly defined loveship with someone with a few of the things I like in a person, but not enough to root me to them. I like smart men, that matters to me. I like thinking, conscious, world saving men. I like men who don't run away when things get tough or challenging or messy. I like men who don't whine. I like men who know how to be in family and put down roots. I like men who like women...just as they are. I like men who like themselves.
He did not like being in the world as it is.
He always saw doom and gloom and ugliness. Ugghh
he was depressing to my spirit.
Oh I tried and tried to make it work. Turned myself into a pretzel trying to make it work. Dimmed my own bright lights trying to make this mess work. I am relieved beyond measure not having him underfoot. I am glad he is gone. The truth is
he really wasn't here.
He really wasn't present. I have to admit that
he used my home as a pit stop. A place to be while
he was in-between here and there.
He has always been in between spaces and places.
He has never finished anything.
He has run from more challenging situations than I care to count. But his life and shortcoming are not mine to count. I have my own lessons to discern from this experience.
He has indeed made me a richer woman in owning my truths and valuing what I need and want in a partner. I have a map.
A love List that still speaks volumes to what I want in my life. He can say whatever, think whatever. I know he was wrong wrong wrong for me. I am not missing him at all.
The Love Story ENDS.
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