Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Off The Lenten Path: God is Tired Of Me. I am Tired Of God.

For the better part of my life I have enjoyed and struggled with a strong God consciousness. I have never felt alone or away from God. In my life I have endured and come through some dark moments with my faith still intact. I could feel God's presence. Always.

Today, I am quitting God. This aloneness and desolation is more than I can stand. I believe God has grown tired of me. My prayers are mumblings of things no longer believed. There is a tiredness in my spirit and in my soul that plagues me. I am unrecognizable in my prayers. My voice is unrecognizable in my prayers. I have been standing on sinking ground for a very long time... For years. Grasping and grappling with God's grace. Trying to move forward in the face of loss and heartbreak. No, I do not wish that others ought to suffer in my stead. I accept my suffering... I have brought the bulk of it on myself. I do not ask why me? I do not ask why not me? I have come to accept the suffering as a part of the joy.

I have been lost before and have found my way. I have been sad many times before and have put my feet upon the path leading back to God. Not this time. This time I just want to be left alone.

I am quitting God for so many reasons that I wouldn't live long enough to say. I am quitting God mostly because, God is tired of me. I know this. I feel this.

My life is full of things I need to do to sustain my commitment of raising children and maintain employment. That is all there is. There is work and work.  Everything feels like a chore. Even the places of joy and happiness feel like chores. My breath feels like a chore. Even as I am sitting here grasping for the words to not feel so ungrateful for the life and the blessings I have enjoyed feels like a chore. Burdens that seem unending and relentless are suffocating my life.

I am screaming in my prayers. I am screaming in my conversations with people. I am screaming when I have to deal with one more avalanche of troubles. I am always screaming even when I am sitting and singing in church. I am screaming everytime I get on the scale. I am screaming every time I have to figure out what to do next. I am screaming nonstop and it is killing me.

I know I do not have the right to this kind of ungrateful purging. I feel ashamed with each letter I type. This is the truth I am standing in... Drowning in. I still marvel at the bigness of God. I am in awe of God in the big and small spaces everywhere I go. And I know my quitting God does not affect the sunrise or sunset anywhere in the world.

God is tired of me. I am tired of God.


Shelly Ismail said...

I feel every word you spoke. I understand the place you are coming from in my own way. You are not alone, but I know you need to be alone. Be well, my friend! I love you xoxo


Big Mark 243 said...

...I don't know what to say... so much of your spirit seems to be going off in vapors in this post... your desires are still valid and will remain so ... just don't give in to despair and give your faith the opportunity that it needs to replenish you...