Friday, August 31, 2007


I am still a bit weepy. I am moving, I am going to jail and I am very much alone. Yes of course I have a strong base of friends and families. But in the midnight hour there is only me and my mind and my emotions and my story. In this bewitching hour I feel uneasy and restless. I feel myself slipping into a dark hole with no end in sight. This is tough for someone like me--who is, for the most part an optimist. What saves me from taking my own life in this moment--in the midst of all my tears, heartaches and life's failures is the fact that there are those that have lost a great deal MORE than their good names. This is the anniversary of Katrina--2 years have come and gone. Somehow I just don't feel right wallowing in my self-pity. I know where my kids are. We had a lovely dinner tonight and we live in a great house for the moment. And although my life is changing and I am losing my house in foreclosure, I am in good health, my children are well and my support system is ready and willing to slay my dragons. I have a new place to move to--it's not my beautiful home, but it's not a dive either--as a matter of fact it is quite lovely. Circumstances can try our souls and we may believe we can't go on, but we are stronger than we know. We are stronger than we know--I am living proof. There are moments when I want to die and I know I have these four children that I adopted, who save my life every fucking day. God knew I would need them in this moment. That stops me cold from taking my own life. They NEED me and I NEED them. So I move forward because somewhere I will find the strength to go on in my solitude. We are stronger than we know.


M.b.r.a.i.n said...

You certainly are an optimist... you often describe the hope you have for your future and are grateful for what you have now. Keep believing.

Ms. Adams said...

I appreciate what you said about the 2nd Anniversary of Katrina in relation to how you view your own life. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you think of what Katrina survivors have gone through and continue to go through.

Over at Blogher I wrote a post featuring Katina Parker of New Orleans Labor of Love. She told me that she's used to staying in five-star hotels but when she goes to New Orleans she doesn't feel right doing that. She thinks of the people still in the city who are squatting in homes that haven't been treated yet for black mold because they've lost everything and feel they have nowhere to go.

I checked out your blog a few days ago. Really, you are an inspiration, maintaining your positivity in circumstances that would crumble most of us.


laurie said...

We are indeed stronger than we know. And the one good thing about the hard stuff is it makes us realize that. Take good care and be kind to yourself - from one optimist to another.

laurie said...

Hey Babz- I am a newcomer to your blog but I wanted to let you know that it's one of my five Blog Day recommendations! Thanks for sharing so honestly with all of us.

Shirley Twofeathers said...

Just stopping by for a visit... I love how straightforward you are as you write about your experience.

And yes, we ARE stronger than we know, so often our imaginings of the unknown are so much more frightening than the actual experiencing...

hugs and smiles!

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