These Summer Fall Days...

I just grew into being resolved about not dating.
Not stressing about children.
Not worrying about what is next.

I am enjoying the sweet moments of now. Oh yes, there are long range plans and short term goals and changing course and new intentions and dream chasing.

Always dream chasing.

The aloneness is not vast and scary. It has a new definition... I can do what I want.

I am shedding shoulds and embracing maybes and yeses! Saying resolute no's when I feel like saying no. No second guessing and certainly no guilt. No is a complete sentence. And means the same in every language.

Everyday I ask...What is possible? And I set off running to find out.

The din of voices who are contrary to my dreams and wishes fall on my deaf ears. I can't hear them. I have a bigger voice and a stronger song. I am living loudly.

I used to listen to (hims, thems, theys, ya'lls) with a longing to be wanted... Configuring my heart and soul into their desired thing. Ha, how absurd was I? Atlas, I am so done with raking myself over the coals for my choices made in fear. Instead, I forgive myself and move on.

October is coming... For me, that loaded month of memory and new opportunities all rolled up with the crispness of the air signalling Fall.

Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind

As long as I draw breath, I suspect that I will be always the kind of woman that readily makes friends and invites people into my life. I am fascinated by people's stories. I talk for hours to people on a regular basis. There is always some depth that I want to get to with folks. I am always meeting kindred souls on life's byways and highways.

Being how I am, with always inviting folks to converse and being open, to discovering what we can in discussion and late night heated sharing and early morning hey you. Is often a prescription for experiencing different sides of people that they normally don't show to others. What I mean is, people can be fucked up in other relationships, but then they step into my universe and they don't bring that with them... until they do.  I was told incessantly "I am not kind" and my reply was always, "I believe you, but that has not been my experience of you". And onward we go, existing in the bubble of enchantment. Now, mind you, I can always feel the cracks in the bubble early. I can tell when the truth of just being, starts to seep in. Little annoyances start to become bigger annoyances. We are talking, but not deeply. We are slipping away from the early days of interest and intrigue. What is passing for friendship between us, is the mutually satisfying work... Me building my dreams, and you building another chapter in a life with great determination and focus. We are becoming estranged.

I hold few things to the breast anymore. I have learned to not hoard love or magazines. Nothing has changed. I love you. Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind. It is now my experience. I have stepped out of the bubble of enchantment and into the bright bold, harsh light of day. And all shall be well.

Each experience of enchantment brings me closer to a new me that I am so pleased to meet. I like who I was in relation to you. I am still she. And I like me so much. I don't know what you started to see, or how you came to the observations about who I am and what I need. I don't care to know at this point. Your opinion is neither here nor there in the overall scheme of things. I am wrong about people all the time. I am a fool most times opening myself to folks. I am my best self when I am living my vulnerabilities; this is the space I want to be in.

The riches of life are such that, you can meet a perfect stranger one day, make friends, do creative things and love and not love and love a bit more and move on.

Nothing has changed. Except, I now accept that you are unkind. And that my friend is the greatest gift. The gift of walking in truth and believed.

On Another Note... Freedom Of A Different Sort

When I was newly divorced it seemed like my whole world was dumped upside down on top of all the other mess I was dealing with, I thought my marriage was on solid ground. I couldn't believe it when I realized it wasn't. I didn't see divorce coming. Couldn't accept it. After it was finalized it took me about a year to not feel "still married" and another 2 years before I could actually date someone... be seen naked... enjoy sex. Eventually I did. It was hard and sad. So sad I started a support group for folks in various stages of divorce. Anyway, this ain't about that. (Oh my ex was married within a year of our divorce)

When I thought I was in love a few years ago with "The Potential Mr. Babz" it was a little different.... We'd break up... Reconnect... break up. He was like a bad habit. Seriously. I've always carried this fantasy that we were destined for each other. And in some respects we were. I was destined to learn some very valuable lessons that widened my spiritual path. I put up with a lot of bullshit and manipulation from him. I allowed him to dishonor my peace of mind. Then one day I had enough. I pushed him out of my house, out of my life and out of my heart. I blocked his calls, returned his letters and notes, and just went on about my life. Started dating and enjoying being out and about... well almost (That's a whole other story). The point is, I moved on from "him"

Yesterday "he" texted me from another number... This bullshit "I miss my friend... I've been praying for you since you were 14 years old, I have loved you always"  Oh and he threw in some french words. Mutherfucker please.

I was not moved. My heart didn't do flips. My mind didn't wander to past intimate moments. I did not entertain any "what ifs"  I AM FREE! He no longer has any influence or power over my heart and mind. The fantasy of us is in the ether. He is no longer my fantasy. He hasn't been for many years. I was fooling myself, trying to recreate what I thought I lost in my marriage. I was kidding myself making decisions based on being lonely. I wanted someone to want me. I wanted to prove that I was a good catch. And that's how I ended up spending 3 years of my life with that nut. He was never my friend. He was an emotional bully. He was fiscally and spiritually draining. He was never concerned about my well being, he brought me more stress and drama to my life than I have ever had in any relationship pre and post marriage. He was a reflection of my state of being.... A mess. I had no business trying to jump into "Happily Ever After" with him or anybody else for that matter at that time.

It's been about 2 1/2 years since his exit. I am FREE. Really FREE to invite in love that I am truly destined for. Yesterday was like the universe saying Gurl go get you some good love!

In spite of all the uncertainty in my life at the moment, no matter how lost I am, I remain always hopeful about the possibility of true love falling on me. I unequivocally cannot go back for more where there was only LESS! That guy was LESS!

Oh and yes that new number he texted from? BLOCKED!

The Unworthiness Devil Rears It's Ugly Head

I am in a pivotal moment in my life. There is so much going on. Some old haunts and new blessings. I have more tools in my tool box to handle my life than at any point in my life. New people have entered. Some old folks have departed. This is the ebb and flow of my life. Epiphanies abound. God is still speaking and the view from here is vast and lovely.

What do I want? Is that the question? Should I reexamine what I want? There is a steadiness I crave that I want along side the adventure. Does that make sense? Here's another question... Am I being realistic? And am I asking for too much? Why the fuck am I even questioning asking for too much? Ahhh, the invasive unworthiness devil rears its ugly head. And when I say asking for too much, this spans across my life and all the dreams of who I want to be moving forward.

Perhaps I should be glad to have the wherewithal to reexamine the questions I answered long ago. Things have changed. I am different than say even last year. Reexamining the questions of who am I and what do I want  has become my touch stone and ongoing dialogue of asking and seeking answers; my check in point. I am coming to understand that this is where I get to defeat the whispers of unworthiness. This is where I stay in emotional shape. By simply asking  what do I want? And by asking, I am allowing the truth to emerge. I am all about the truth in whatever that may be or turns into or shows up as.

I have fully embraced the need for clarity, especially in matters of my heart. I am not guessing or supposing anything. I am clear. In that clarity, unworthiness can show up and undue the desires if I am not paying attention to my own heart and mind. Stillness and the need for deliberated practiced stillness restores me back to standing in my truth. I am worthy of every damn thing I want. I am worthy of every long held wish, dream, desire, and fantasy.  For me, the key is holding onto this knowledge and allowing it to be nurtured in my soul. Yes. I am worthy  with every breath I take.

I Have One Fucking Rule....

Do Not Go Back For More Where There Is Only Less.

That's it.

So when you ask me what governs my life, this is the answer: Do not go back for more where there is only less. You see when I apply this to whatever situation I am in, the answer is clear. Leave shit alone... Walk the hell away or stay and suffer. I can only tolerate suffering for a few moments then I'm bailing.

You know what causes you pain. And you alone know how to stop the bleeding. So stop the bleeding,,, Unless the bleeding brings you some pleasure. And Baby that's when you know it's time to get help. Real help. Not your girlfriends over vodka tonics. Couch time with a trained professional... A Head Cleaner.

What I know for sure... that first you get the test... then the lesson. I believe this to be true because we think we will recognize the bullshit that keeps showing up in our lives.That's the test. Then we learn how to recognize bullshit, that's the lesson. I can attest we do not always learn the lessons or past the test for the first, second, or third time. I believe we don't recognize the bullshit because we are hoping that this time will be different than all the other times. We operate in a state of denial. We hope against hope that maybe what we are seeing and experiencing is just momentary and not real. It's always real. Sometimes people and opportunities show up as just what is needed until you realize this is not what's needed. Just the opposite. Then we go into a tailspin of sadness, depression and self assassination. How could I? Why did I? Raking ourselves through our history with that person and or situation. We see it... The moment we swallowed bullshit... Accepted bullshit... Settled for bullshit.

Life is to be lived with great gusto, Even in our quiet moments we ought to savor them. I can't afford to languish in bullshit, with people who just sell wolf tickets to a life they do not live nor even believe is possible. I can't hang with you as you entertain mess masquerading as foolish imitations of love and concern. And I certainly won't sit through someone pining away for someone else who has kicked you to the curb...Even if they haven't verbally said it... Yet their actions tell the truth. And you wander through their universe blind and unhappy. That's not what I want for myself. That's not who I want for myself.

I know how good love feels. I now how much I love myself. I am invested in my own happiness.

I have one fucking rule: Don't go back for more where there is only less.

How Did You Survive Everything They Always Ask

When folks hear my story, they always ask how did you survive everything? And then they add and you seem so whole, happy, larger than life. They say oh you get depressed? You seem like the happiest woman on the planet. (Well I am for the most part now)

Rape/Incest/Sexual exploitation
Suicide attempts
Divorce
Foreclosure
Bankruptcy
Federal prison
Unemployment
Sadness
Depression
Obesity (I hate this word... I prefer FAT... it just seems more bountiful)

I always answer depending which bad thing they are referring to. As I look back over my life and see just how far I've come. Sometimes I am baffled. It all seems so long ago. Maybe this for the book... The memoir.

I survived everything by believing that something better was just over the next hill. I just believed that good things would land on me. I believed that I was not meant to die all the times I tried to kill myself. I just didn't die. I survived when I was divinely entrusted with 4 little kids needing a mother. I needed them and did not know it until they arrived one by one.. They opened up a wealth of love that I had never known.I survived by marrying a man who cherished me for 12 of the 14 years we were married. He gave me a real sense of what love in action could be like. That it was possible to be loved just for myself. He did that. He brought me the gift of grown up love. I know I will have it again. I just believe there is someone out there for me... Someone who wants to be good to me and for me.

To survive anything I suspect, begins with believing that you will survive.. You have to redefine what surviving means. Always asking what do I need at this moment?. What do I need? Being clear about what you need helps with praying with purpose. Dear God help me with this, that or the other. And be willing to see what God sends for you.

I just believed I could become the woman of my dreams. So I set out with that thought. Asking how do I do that God, show me, direct my steps. Sometimes I listened to God and sometimes I did not. The journey is forward.

My Blogging Life: I'm The Audience

I blog to stay healed.

When I started blogging I was broken into a million tiny pieces. I was worse off than Humpty Dunpty. I had fallen so far down in my life getting up was a foreign concept.... Check my archives... I do periodically, to remind myself of just how far I've come. Blogging helped me save myself. From that very first send, I was hooked. I wasn't interested if anyone would find me. I was finding me. Each day I just poured my heart out. Sometimes I was drunk as hell. Sometimes I was typing through a monsoon of tears. And some days there was just enough sunlight to make me smile for a few moments and I could write about that.... Little bits of joy that started slipping in.

I found a community of folks who were just blogging and slogging... making their way and I joined them. I met folks who are my friends right this very minute. Folks I went to see. Folks who came to see me. Folks who I meet up with every other year. They have become apart of my life. They give me back to myself in countless unimaginable ways. They hold me up and hold me down.

I never thought to make a living doing this. I never thought I wanted a huge audience. I just wanted a place to share. I really believe I am talking to the universe in prayer. Each blog post is its own prayer for better or for worse. I'm not talking to anyone except myself and God.  So while I know some very famous bloggers who are doing their life's work, it is my joy to cheer them on. I am not one of them in that regard. I love being a blogger. I love this medium. I love how we connect and share and stay up with each other. When I drop by someone's blog it really does feel like I am visiting them at home. I can sit down and read a bit and connect with their life though what they share. I can leave a comment, ask a question or just keep on moving silently with reverence for their story.

I'm the audience of my blog. So, I am always pleasantly surprised when someone leaves a comment or emails me their thoughts. It still blows me away that folks feel my blog has some value and that something I said helped them on their journey. That is always an unexpected pleasure and gift.

I have no idea if and when this all will come to an end. Maybe I'll just stop just as I started. Maybe a new blog? Maybe something else. Oh I don't know. I do know, that blogging saved my life time and time again. That's it.

There is No Time To Waste

I have no more time to waste. I have no more fucking time to waste on bullshit... Be it people, places or things. I am so conscious of my remaining time on earth that I want to do everything all at once.

I find myself weary of mundane conversations that have no real beginning or end. Just disheartening statements passing as sharing. I want to scream WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS? Quit telling me about your fucked up job or your lame ass husband, or your miserable kids or your crazy neighbors. Who are you? And what do you want?

I was talking to a Sister this morning outside of church and I asked how are you? And she immediately claims, "I got drama... I'm in the middle of drama and when morning comes I find myself gasping for air" "It's the same mess as before"   Now I have sat with her a few times listening and providing a supportive voice. But here's the truth... She is not interested in doing what needs to be done to squash the drama. She believes that she can orchestrate the universe to her will. I understand. I used to be the same way, until the universe broke me and I had to change my life. I had to climb up out of mess. She is not ready. And time is moving on. And so I kept it moving too.

There is a sense of urgency that's fueling me. Not in a frenzied hurried state. It's a kind of energy that calls me to be open and awake. I am saying yes to my life in ways that often startle me. I am not reckless,  I  jump for joy at the things that bring me to nirvana. I am channeling that new found sensuality I discovered on Martha's Vineyard last summer...Inkwell Epiphanies: Martha's Vineyard Expanded My Groove. I feel good even in the throes of a few financial challenges. I am not twisted up or stressed. Concerned, yes and very mindful, and I am moving with clarity and confidence.

Babz is doing all right. Babz is falling in love with a great many things and it shows! I am not wedded to time as a construct that will be my undoing if I don't get shit done. What I hope I am conveying is that every moment I draw breath is special and divine. Oh so divine. And to waste any of it on bullshit is not what I want. There is no time to waste. Life beckons to be savored... Tasted for all its worth! This precious breath in this moment is the gift. The blessing really is the next breath if I get one. Do you see? There is no time to waste.

Babz Showing Up As Babz

I never thought I wouldn't find love again. I never paid attention to all the talk around Black women and dating and finding marriageable Black men. I never had any qualms dating men from other ethnicity's. I have been open to love all along...sometimes to my detriment. As I look back I have always been open to love. What I haven't been was myself. What I have done was try to become something someone else wanted and needed with the hopes that some of what I wanted and needed would be met. I was WRONG! Oh so painfully wrong.

So I am showing up as myself. No sugar-coated version of me. No smoke, no mirrors. It's all coming forward with the light of day. I can't hide shit. I won't. This is who I am!

My name is Babz Rawls Ivy, I am 5'8', 264 lbs 268 lbs and I may never get to anything smaller. I have 4 kids I adopted. I am a felon. I hold a BS in Marketing. I have an MPA. I am a certified Spiritual Director. I have an impressive resume filled with community service. I have FOUR children who I happily raise. I am friends with my ex-husband and adore his new wife. I belong to a Sorority. I work as an Editor-in-chief for a Black newspaper. I drink... champagne, scotch, vodka, rum, wine, beer...Not all at once, but I drink. I like an occasional cigar... maybe every couple of years... certainly not often or on a regular basis. I like sports. I love live music. Jazz. Old school R&B. I'm a bit junky. I hate throwing things away.

My crazy is manageable. I am never going to check your cellphone, or follow you or wrangle my hands about who else you might be fucking. I will believe you until I don't. I cannot stand constant conversations about "this relationship". I like and need and want a LOT OF SEX. I like my own time alone without you.  I can't fuck with you if you don't read books. I can't fuck with you if you don't like good movies and by good movies I mean classic shit. I am not going to have petty arguments with you about which direction the toilet paper ought to roll. I am not going to be your mother. I am not going to handle your life. I am not going to tell you what to do.

I cuss. A lot. Not in public though and rarely around little kids. I believe in God. I have a strong religious foundation. You gotta have one too... believe in something other than your own bullshit.

I am without a doubt a loyal woman. I am fun. I am a great conversationalist. I can hang with just about anyone. I can go to any party and make myself at home. I have strong political views... very fucking liberal political views. I am an advocate for human rights, women and girls rights.

I am loud. I laugh loud. I am known to talk loud.

Babz is showing up as Babz forever more. At this point in my life authenticity is the new sexy. What I know for sure is that I am a particular kind of baddass woman who will only truly appeal to a particular baddass man. One who is sure of himself, manages his own life and shows up equally authentic. Someone who doesn't bring me their shit to solve, or their bills to handle, or their insecurities for me to magically resolve. Oh and has NO fucking baby-mama or ex-wife drama... keep that madness away from me.

From here on out I am showing up as me. That's it.

My Hands Are Open

So someone introduced me to a man. A man they thought would be of support to my spirit.
Of course I was wrangling my hands about the introduction... especially since the person doing the introduction does not know me really. Does not know me at all. But yes, was very insistent about making this introduction. It was quite intense and direct and forceful, as though they didn't want me to miss out.

But that is how God works.

So I connect with this man and God only knows why lightening strikes. I notice right away he is every long held dream... Every spoken and unspoken desire. He possesses the keys to my hidden places... dungeons and secret gardens and high tower turrets. There is no resistance whatsoever. There is no fear. There is only a real desire to run to him and stay. There is no hesitation. There is no bullshit.

But this is how God works.

Every conversation is sensual and erotic... The most mundane of sharing heightens my arousal. It is physical and metaphysical and spiritual and physical and joyous. He is like no man I've ever known and yet he is the accumulation of every man I've ever known....all the good... only the good. Confidant and focused and determined and open to God's will. I admire a man that owns himself fully and unapologetic.

"You are so Fucking Beautiful" "You have a beautiful spirit" "Your smile brings brightness to my sky" he whispers. It's as if I waited centuries for these words. My exhale was so deep and so profound that I am sure new galaxies were formed on the strength of my breath out to the far heavens. It has been a long time coming.

But this is how God works.

My hands were outstretched and open. I did the work of letting go of things... Heavy things... Of things and people and places that added nothing to my life excepts stress and uncertainty. He brings none of that. This is how to fall in love.

Building upon all the positives and in-common joys. He has mastered being himself and grateful. He prides himself on being a forever student and voracious reader and thinker. Oh a man that understands himself and his fears, is a man of great wealth. I do believe I am falling building in love.

I care not of time. It is not important of how long this love builds, I am in this moment and the moment is sweet.

That's Your Bullshit... I don't Need Any Of It

Staying clear of other people's bullshit is now one of my keys to happiness.

People are creatures of habit. They deal with the same bullshit over and over and over again. If you pay attention to the folks who have drama in their lives you will see it's the same old bullshit that they have been doing forever. And if you are not careful or attentive to your own growth and freedom you will be caught up in their bullshit.

I used to feel compelled to get in there with folks and be all stressed over their shit. I thought I was being helpful and attentive. What I was doing was co-signing their foolishness. Giving support to their continued drama addiction. You see if you don't want bullshit in your life you have to quit ordering it. Simple. But folks are creatures of habit and some like the drama. So as I save myself I realize that all the drowning I was doing was because  I was staying in the deep end with folks who weren't interested in being saved.

I have no advice for folks staying committed to bullshit. They know what they are doing. They have made their choice to go the distance in mess and foolishness. I am no longer in that place. I like a drama free existence. I have made the hard choices to secure my freedom. There is no going back for me. And I will not be pulled back into bullshit I don't care who you are and what you mean to me. Now if you are ready to walk in truth and do the work for freedom, call me. But if you are about to tell me some shit about what you have suspected all along and yet you stayed in bullshit; just know I'll listen and won't have any advice for you. I don't have any answers for your life.

I am a freed woman. I have no drama in my life. NONE. I have removed people from my life who did nothing but create and nurture drama. I am happier than I have ever been. Aside from a few minor fiscal challenges, my life is damn good. I am nobody's fool, bitch, side piece or problem. I own myself out right. So whatever your deal is... Whatever your crazy is... That's your bullshit and I don't need any of it.

Do the work of freeing yourself if freedom is truly what you want. You can't change anybody but yourself. You can't make people be who they are not. You have to decide if you want to keep going back for more where there is only less.  So forgive me, if I do not wade in the water of your misery. I hear you. I am here for you. But baby I am not drowning with you and honestly hearing your story of being done wrong for the umpteenth time is not how I want to spend my short time on earth.

This IS The Moment... I am In My Destiny

I am in the moment... I am at center stage. This is my life and I am the star. There is no getting ready for shit. This is the moment. This is the moment right now! All the things that I have wanted... Prayed for... Wished for. Are right here in my hands.

All this time I thought the success I wanted would be in the having of everything. Whoossh the curtain fell, the fog lifted, lovers fled, and there I stood naked and alone and it dawned on me. I am right where I am supposed to be and the success is right here too. Right here. I have slowly but surely orchestrated my success. The stars are indeed aligned and the truth of things are unfolding as I type. What the fuck does all this mean?

It means that my happiness isn't tied to people, places or things. Yes, I knew this, but now I live this. My desires are about attaining and maintaining peace and comfort. There is no drama anywhere in my life. None. I have removed it all. I have changed my mind about people and their shit. I have handled my business and saved my house from foreclosure. I am tackling real estate school. I am writing my memoir. I am writing a novel. As editor-in-chief of a Black newspaper, we are becoming relevant again under my watch. I am getting out and hanging out with people I absolutely adore. And I am going back to making health a priority again--- and that doesn't stress me. I have the opportunity and ability to try again and to keep trying until trying becomes the doing consistently like breathing. I am in a good place. This is my moment. This is success. I am walking in my destiny.

In this place of success there is no resting. Illumination can become darkness quickly if I don't stay diligent with safeguarding my success....Which really  means safeguarding my clear and open heart. I must continue to live and honor my definition of happiness. I am not afraid of anything, and all the people I have in my life this very moment are so good for me I can hardly stand it. I open my arms wide for more love, joy and happiness.

Can We Be Lovers & Not Have Sex?

I came across this piece "I want a life of a million lovers"  written by Brentan Schellenbach over at elephantjournal

I was struck by how it gives shape and structure to feelings I have been wrestling with for a good while now. And since the break-up with The Potential Mr. Babz I have been looking at how I love and make love. Perhaps he and I should've remained friends with benefits... perhaps we should've just been friends... however we were never that ever. we were always lovers...always passionate lovers at that. I am walking through my love life and seeing where I am and what do I want. I have lived long enough to have a good idea of who I am. I've had a lot of great sex in my life and I want to continue to have great sex, but how? Clearly I don't want to go back down the relationship rabbit hole and be talked to death about my lack of communication skills. And I certainly don't want to hear how too busy I am for a serious relationship. And my one solid man-woman friendship with my BFF Ron thrives and succeeds. We've been friends for well over 25 years without ever having sex. Not once... not even flirting. So anyway, this piece stopped me in my tracks and called me to discern this for myself in my own life. I have sent it around to friends for their thoughts... I have had deep discussions with a few FB folks who are relationship gurus and dating experts. I don't know what I hope to find, or hear. I just know for whatever reasons I've not been good at finding someone who likes sex as much as I do who has their own life and interests and is not looking for me to be their mother, or bank, or baby-sitter, or therapist, or moral compass.

I am going to explore this a bit more over the next couple of weeks. It speaks to me and I want to know why.

I want a life of a million lovers.

I want to love you.

I want to love you if you are male or female, young or old, single or married…

When I see you we will embrace and hold a hug long enough to glimpse some insight from each other’s heartbeat.

When we walk down the street we shall link arms, pause frequently, and turn our toes and noses towards the other to speak directly without modesty.

I would like us to share the couch together, rather than creating a “do not cross” line where we may as well be sitting on brick blocks seated four feet away. Give me your knee, your foot, your thigh—let your body dangle on top of my body so I can know you the way litters of kittens know each other.

I want to show up to you and look into your eyes instead of at your eyes. I want to feel your hand and be consumed by it until the rest of the world ceases to exist. I want to be in your presence and be in want ofnothing.

I would like you to leave our time together feeling loved and free and full of your most vibrant and luscious hue of you-ness.

Please do not get confused: I do not want to have sex with you—whether you are male or female.

I have no sexual agenda, as you know, because we laugh at the freedom we feel to speak to strangers for reasons other than because we have to or because we’re hitting on them.

For me, sharing sex with someone requires a certain alignment, and I do not take that lightly. My sex requires that I can possibly foresee living with a person and combining all my stuff with all of their stuff (and I mean physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual stuff—the stuff that just feels heavy if it’s not the right fit, but feels buoyant beyond imagination when it is). It is delicate, it is careful, it is not presumptuous or impulsive.

And I do not think that our connection is somehow weakened because we do not share our bodies with each other.

For love is love is love is love, and that is what I want.

I only want us to fall in love.

Now I realize that at some point, either you or I may change our minds and crave sexual expression with each other.

For I am human—as are you—and we have wants that change and grow.

But if that desire should spring upon one of us, I hope that we will talk about it, the way we talk about the universe, cultural tropes, the nature of depression, what makes a good cup of coffee, and how your day was yesterday.

I hope that that topic of conversation is no more avoided than talking about the latest episode of Doctor Who or how to effectively clean one’s mouth from Oreo breath.

I would like you to share yourself with me—every stitch of you—so that I may be warmed and nourished by your tapestry. And I would not like you to worry that some of your threading is inappropriate or uncomfortable to share with me, because I am only here to accept you exactly as you are and to take interest in the way you step through life.

So lay on me your doubts, your troubles, your faux pas, your suffering, your sadness. Lay on me your hopes, your dreams, your excitements, your curiosities, your guilty pleasures.

I want to see you how you see yourself.

And while you tell me all of this and more, I would like to rest my eyes upon your eyes, and take my hand upon your back, and laugh up to the ceiling as you divulge, because it is in these moments of pure exposure that I bask in the ever-so-specific you, and I become the ever-so-specific me, and even though you’ve never stepped into the tides of the pacific and I’ve never ridden a skateboard, I am more sure than I’ve ever been that we are the same.

I don’t care if I see you everyday or if I see you only just the one time when I happened to be in that coffee shop and you happened to be making my drink (which was delicious, by the way, and thank you for not rolling your eyes when I asked if your only non-dairy milk was soy)—I want to be your lover.

And I will have the lover whom I share a bed with, and it will be none the less—on the contrary, that love will be all the more—because I take on another million lovers.

So if you’re ready, let me see you and let me love you.

My insides, my arm, my couch, my laugh, my eyes, my toes are all for you.

I hope that is enough.

Repairing

I have been thinking about how to repair things... not just things in my house, although, that's a part of it. But things in my life... things that need fixing in my internal self.

So I'd thought I'd spend some time thinking about those things that need repairing. Things I do not want to keep patching up over and over again.

This will not be a long meditation. It's more of a notice to myself to look at those places in my heart and soul that are in need of repair.  I need time away. I need internal time. I need stillness.

I can feel the coming of great gifts and I want to be more prepared than I am right now. What tripped me up in the past has to be laid to rest.  Old wounds have healed and I want them to stay healed. The repair work is minor. I've done the heavy stuff over the last few years. It is time to repair and move on from those small breaks and nuisances, so that they do not have the opportunity to become full fledged problems.

I am moving in such a good place.

Standing In The Place of Being Very Happy

It is amazing how I am moving in my life.  I am feeling a kind of strength and gratis that has eluded me for years. I'm on the COME UP in all areas of my life. And I love it.

I have zero tolerance for any and all bullshit... mine and others. I love that awareness!I have spent too much time with bullshitters and bullshit artists. Folks who put their own shit before my well being.

I am officially off the roller coaster of bullshit. I'm rolling along doing my thing. My professional life and personal life are in harmony with each other. I like the folks I'm hanging with... all positive, interesting and steadfast. I am finally meeting men who are interesting and well behaved and well read. I love smart men. I love men who appreciate and adore smart women. I love men who have no interest in controlling women... or me for that matter.

As the world turns and I bear witness to the madness, I am not consumed by it or daunted. I do what I can do, where I can do it. I find peace in that. I am connecting with people in a very authentic way.  I am finally meeting like-minded folks.

I am standing in the place of being very happy. It is my own choice. I prefer happiness. My life is reflecting where I am... whole... solid... happy and joyous. There is great pleasure in not being desperate in anything. I was desperate... afraid. Now I am not. I am creating a life that is so me, that I can't remember what I was afraid of.

Once I decided to give up accepting bullshit on all levels, my life changed for the better. Bullshit is about control, and lies and manipulation and emotional bullying. People who have fucked up lives are the first ones trying to get folks to do and be a certain way.  They have failed and yet, they want to force everyone in their circle down a destructive path. Crazy... I know. I know better now. I do better now. I am not replaying dramas. I am not trying to convince someone I am the best choice. I am not trying to hang in with someone who does not want me. I am done trying to convince folks of my value. I am done having those tired conversations of "You &Me" Fuck you... Fuck that. I am not wasting my time giving folks the time of day. An audience for their bullshit? Nope.

My life is good. Sweet. I am close to all my dreams. I am Happy.

I Take Pictures and I Love It!

My mother didn't take pictures. Every time someone would whip out a camera she would put her hand up... No No NO... wait until I lose weight... or dress up, or look better. My siblings and I do not have any photos of us with our Mom. We don't have any photos of my Mom without her hands up blocking trying to avoid the photo. Later in her life she did sit for formal photos. She died shortly after that.  I have one photo of me and my mom at my college graduation. My siblings have none of themselves with our mother. And we have that one photo of her that she sat for. Nothing of her as we were growing up.

I take so many photos of my children with myself and  of me solely for this reason. Someday I am going to die and I want them to have photos of me and of me and them, laughing, smiling, joyful. I want them to have photos of me in my glory. I don't want them remembering me trying to lose weight, or unhappy, or desperate, or sad. I want them to see me in my glory... now... as is.

I want them to remember me as a beautiful woman full of life and energy and dazzle. I want them to see me as a woman who dared greatly! A woman who, when knocked down repeatedly got up each time swinging!

So periodically photos of me will show up on my blog! I am not running away from the camera. I am not shunning the camera. The camera captures me. That's it.

The Ever Illuminating Path...Yes Zora More Answers This Year

I was over at my blog Brother Mark's blog Stars Like Grains Of Sand In My Pocket 

This is massive truth telling right here. A kind of realization that hurts... at least it does for me. I could have written this. 

It is my truth also:

Looking back over the past decade-and-a-half (?!?!) of my intimate personal relationships, the thread that runs through all the fail is the investiture of the emotions that make a relationship work. Love depends not on what you are willing to get, but instead is determined on what you are willing to give, which is everything. And I have no problem with saying that the women I have been involved with all had this one trait in common to be IN love. 

Yes. I responded:

Love is all about the give. I think that's the thing that scares people... taking the bet on giving...and deep inside believing what if he/she doesn't give back. That's where the fear lives... the hesitation...doubt.  So folks keep putting their eggs in the same basket hoping the other person doesn't crack them all. And they do.

I do know we attract what we are...not what we want. I find that sobering. As I stand in that truth, I have decided not to actively seek anyone. Who I am at the moment is pretty good, but it's not optimum. So rather that suffering through more of less. I am putting all that energy...both sexual, and romantic and whatever else into doing all the things that make me happy. Love is always present. I am loved beyond measure.

So this all means that I am on the right track... on the ever illuminating path. I am not going to spend any more time trying to add someone to my life. That is a time waster. And honestly I haven't been good at it. So I quit. Not giving up on love. Giving up on chasing unrequited love and all the bullshit of the emotional roller coaster.  The man that digs me, is interested in me, aches for me, will come for me without a story of woe, or demons, or excuses, or whatever else I have tolerated and allowed.  I am a whole woman. I need someone to show up whole... intact... broken pieces gathered and mending.

In the meantime my life is amazingly good. Not perfect... ain't nobody got time for perfection. I am however happy and the unfolding of things is sweet!