THANKS OPRAH FOR AN ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION (E.N.D).

It's been a long time since I sat and watched the fabulous Oprah. I have her shows tivoed and I go through and delete the ones I am not interested in and save the ones I may get round to watching.  Well yesterday twitter was all a buzz about this particular show on No More Dieting.  Oprah's guest was author Geneen Roth who wrote this book called WOMEN FOOD AND GOD. ( I raced to Barnes & Noble this morning) anyway the show moved me to an epiphany about my struggles with weight and food. It got me to begin thinking about this from a different place. So I am going to give up dieting and read this book a couple of times and let its words wash over me.  I am exhausted with this dieting mess.  I am exhausted striving for some ideal size.  This is not a new thought process for me.  I have moments of great clarity and then I will get sucked into this ridiculous diet ride because someone will say something to trigger my feelings about it, and off I go chasing some new diet plan. UUghhh.

I want to fall in love...real love. The first steps is falling in love with me.  So I am stopping all the madness. I am ending the hatred.  Oh yes, I know, I blogged this before and time and time again I buy that ticket and ride that diet ride over and over.  Well for the time being I am getting off and moving in an entirely new direction.

I know that I am on the right path. I can feel it.  Since I've been blogging I can see my evolution.  I have grown and overcome a great deal and that means something in the universe.  There are more blessings to be had. More joy to experience and  more love to be made.  I am opening myself up to moving in an entirely new direction.

Thanks Oprah.

LOSING WEIGHT WEDNESDAY: AHH HA MOMENT

Here is my ahh ha moment: losing weight isn't solely about losing pounds of fat off my body. It is also about losing the weight of unrealized dreams. It is about disappointments and heartbreaks. Even in celebrating there is pain...the sense of not deserving anything, but constantly trying to run myself ragged to prove to myself that I am deserving of this LIFE! It is hard to get to the heart of that stuff when all you think is if only I could just lose the weight...then all will be well. But the truth is I can lose the weight...simply eat less, move more. There's no magic to that. The problem, er ah, the challenge, is in all the noise of my life that scream for my attention rendering my commitment to myself null and void. Or so that's how I behave. I allow all that other mess to carry me away from ME!

How do I give myself back to myself in a loving way? How can I be more loving to myself? How can I not set myself up for failure that only reinforces that little voice that says "see...I told you couldn't commit"? This is my charge to be louder in my life than that little voice. This is my personal struggle and journey. There is no personal trainer for my soul except me. There is support yes, but at the end of the day, I gotta believe more for myself than any friends, lover, or paid support does.

It begins with pushing myself to do. TO DO.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THE NAKED TRUTH

Yesterday I said I was sick of Oprah whining about her weight. I said I was sick of whining about my weight. Dieting and diet addiction is a hard thing to break. We are bombarded by images of women who seemingly are happier because they are thinner. They are having better sex. Their kids are more well behaved. Their clothes are cleaner. All because they are thinner....WOW! So here I come armed with enough self confidence to fill a football stadium and still I buckle under the pressure to achieve thinness. Sure I say all the right things....health, energy, long life. But really it is about self image. Underneath...the naked truth.

Most times I am not affected by how I look. I still feel like I got swagger. But when I start to compare myself to (insert: Sister-Friends, Blood-Sister, Movie Stars, Rock Stars, Models and Jabba-The-Hut--Star Wars) The diet addiction kicks in. I start plotting and dreaming and imagining how much better my life will be if I lose weight.

What kills me is that I have so many interest that hold my attention that when I get stuck on stupid it drives me nuts. I know better. My worth is not tied to a size. My ability to get dates or be in love or run a business, or raise kids, has next to nothing to do with my size. Unless I am talking about the size of my heart! So I am going to continue to discern my feelings about my weight as I create and adhere to an exercise plan that lovingly makes me feel energized!

Continuing this conversation today on:

Lovebabz LoveTalk

The Naked Truth:

Discerning Our Issues With Weight

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I AM MY GIFT

I am turning my attention to my weight. I am heavier that I should be. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I do not like it. Try as I might I have not made real peace with this weight.

I have been an athlete my entire life...except for the last 12 years. The last 12 years I grew complacent. I settled into this weight like a bear settling in for winter hibernation. I got by on, well I wear clothes that flatter, or I am tall. Yes I am all those things and FAT.

So I am taking this on again. Not in a whining way, or a beat myself up sort of way. But in a gentle, focused and loving way. Yes I said I would not talk about weight ever again. But how can I not. There is a small voice in me that says...unhappiness. Carrying the weight is really carrying unhappiness.

So I am taking cues from my beautiful blog Sisters Go Bytch, Sharon and Flutter. No, I am not putting my self on Youtube like Sister Sharon, nor am I going to photograph my progress like Flutter. I will keep running posts as updates from now until my 46th birthday, May 2, 2009.

I am giving up beer and wine and tequila. Will have some for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Champagne for New Year's. I have started a Mindful Meditation class that meets every Friday from 9-11 am for the next 8 weeks. I am going to the gym every morning after I do my carpooling. I am putting myself at the top of my list. No one will suffer. Children will be taken care of as always and their needs will not be neglected. I must however make a commitment to myself.

I am my gift.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: BEAUTIFUL YES I AM

What makes us beautiful or pretty in someone else's eyes? Is it solely about how we look or is it a combination of things. Is it our personality and the way we carry ourselves in the world. Or is it because we look great in couture clothes and shoes. I am without question a beautiful woman. I am not a pretty woman. I am not cute. I am beautiful, charming and witty. These are the things I have been told. Do I believe them? Do I need to have someone else believe them? What we believe either traps us or frees us. What we believe either allows us to live a life more fully present or a life in the shadows waiting for that thing to free our spirits. That thing to give us permission to love fully. That thing is often other's opinions and judgements that confines us. We look for acceptance and love from the outside instead of tuning out the world's noise and coming into our love from the inside. Beauty radiates from inside.

Saturday was my brother's wedding, but it was as much my coming out day as well. I looked amazing. I had a gorgeous purple and lavender silk dress that complimented my beautiful skin, I wore 4 inch stiletto sling-back shoes that made my legs look like Tina Turner's...yes those high heels were magical...and painful. I had great jewelry, my make-up was flawless, my smile was 1000 watts. I was runway FINE! I knew it and I felt it. My positive energy was such that I could feel people drawn into me. I could feel people wanting to be near me. I haven't felt that way in a long time. Saturday I truly felt like myself and everyone around me knew it. I was owning my sexy. I was owning my glam and I was owning my grown womaness.

It is nice for anyone to think you are beautiful, or lovely or nice or kind. I have to come to realize that it is my honest opinion of myself that raises myself esteem. I can be my own worst critic or my own biggest fan. It is a choice. I can get caught up in thinking I am not beautiful enough, or I can accept my beauty right now. It is a choice. I can get caught up in thinking if only I was thinner and put off doing things waiting for the weight to drop or I can live my best life right now. It is a choice.

Best line I heard from a guy at the reception " You have a smile that can change a man's life" Shoot! How can you not get high off that!

My brother Bob-O's wedding was FABULOUS! He looked beautiful, the bride was stunning, the day was lovely. I will post my photos later in the week.

ANYBODY CAN HARM YOU, HURT YOU, KILL YOU...BUT LOVE THAT IS A SCARY THING

I have observed in my own life how much pain and suffering is easily doled out and received. And yet love is often treated like a bad disease. I have noticed in my own life how quick I am to shower myself with scorn and self-loathing. While speaking lovingly seems like a foreign concept.

It is easy to harm, hurt or kill. But it is difficult to love freely and without abandon and fear. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, is guarded and careful and fearful and insecure. No one wants to reach out for another unless they are sure; they are absolutely sure of their feelings. They are absolutely sure that the one they believe they love will not hurt, harm or kill them. But we are never really sure are we. I think Love is about walking on faith. I extend my heart and hand to another. Is there an expectation that the other will do the same? That is the hope.

I am beginning to look at the love in my life right now. Who do I love really? And how do I know? and how do they know? Am I telling and showing all those that I love that I love them? That I love them. How do I know if I am loved? What tells me so? What is my measure? What is my standard?

I am going to explore this for a bit. Because you cannot seek Love if you have no knowledge of love. I want to clearly define what love is for me. For me, I want to define what love is. I don't want to guess or adopt flowery language. I want to define it from my gut and heart and mind and soul and body. I want to walk on faith. Be authentic in my loveships. And sing to the heavens my own love songs.

I know what it is like to be harmed, hurt and threatened to be killed. I know what it's like to harm, hurt and almost kill. I want to know what it is like to fully understand and accept what it means to be loved. Loved as I am in this body, in this mind, in this moment.

YES DR. CHANG...

Dr. Chang: Your arms are OK, your legs are very good. You are carrying too much weight in your belly and thighs. That's where the over weight is. Do something.

Me: So Dr. Chang I am getting divorced and I may have sex someday with someone else, what is new on the birth control front?

Dr. Chang: pregnancy will not be your problem, you are infertile. Even if you did beat the 2% chance you couldn't carry a fetus anyway. You need to be concerned about disease. CONDOMS and not those silly condoms for women. Why are you getting divorced...who wanted it?

Me: Dr.Chang, he left and he filed. I do not have any real explanation.

Dr. Chang: You are young and attractive, you will meet someone more suited to you. Do not lock yourself away. You are young. He is probably going through a mid-life crisis. He will never find anyone more interesting than you. You need to have a vaginal ultrasound. I want to make sure there are no tumors growing back. I told you that back in the Fall.

Me: Dr. Chang I was focused on other things...as you know I had to retire to the country for 29 days. When do you think I will menopause?

Dr. Chang: laughing, oh that is cute. You should write a book. Your life is amazing. OK get dressed. See you soon and take care! And do think about losing some more weight. You have about 15-20 years before menopause starts...sorry. Let me know if your period starts spotting in between cycles. We will see what we need to do next. OK now.

Yep, I need Mary J Blige today! Work that.

LOVE MY BODY...THE BEGINNING

As I said I was going to stop this body hatred. I am stopping this unhealthy feeling about my body. I am going to change my mind about this body and work hard at undoing the negative talk.

I am going to stand naked in my mirror and I am going to tell all the parts of my body that I hate, that I actually love them. The very fat tummy, the very fat thighs. the fat upper arms, the round middle. I am loving it and honoring this body. I will no longer look at these parts in disgust. I will look lovingly over this naked body and be grateful everything works.

I can not be defined by how I look. I have to be defined how I go about the world in love. Living in love. How can I let love rule if I keep running the negative tape in my head about how this body is unattractive. That is not loving. This is conditioning of self-hatred. It starts early and grows and grows and stays with you like a nasty virus. We start the negative talk with "I'll be happy once I lose 20 lbs" "Oh once I drop all this weight then I will be happy" Or we pick ourselves apart because it's easier to do than admire and love our body image. Imagine if we all just said: I LOVE MY BODY without any ifs, ands, or buts. Imagine if we stop comparing our bodies to other bodies., especially to movie stars, singers and video vixens. I am not Vivica Fox, I look more like Jill Scott. I do not look like Mariah Carey, I look more like Monique...you know the full figure comedian.

I am who I am. Now it doesn't mean I don't get out and move this body...I am. It doesn't mean that I eat and drink with abandon...I don't. It means that I change my mind about how I think about how I look. It means that I focus on health and not just weight-loss. It starts with exercising with the mindset that it's good for my heart , good for my lungs, good for overall health.

This is the beginning of loving my body. I must do this. I cannot accept someone else loving this body, making love to me if I do not. I have to come fully into this LOVE. I have to come kindly to myself and to this body.

Speaking of body love check out my new hang-out: The Pussy Chats check it for the chats stay for the hot and sexy music playlist!