THE DUALITY OF MY LIFE.

These are joyous and challenging days.  I have the sense that I am where I am supposed to be, but there is a deep seeded sense of more to learn, do and be.

I am losing and winning all at the same time.  There are radical truths that are running parallel to each other.  I am serene and afraid at the same time.  I am optimistic and pessimistic.  I am existing between realities.   I am broke and rich.  I am hot and cold.  I am happy and sad.

I know what to do and yet I am very stupid.  I have what I need and yet I am drowning in lack.  I am trying to swim as I drown.  I am trying to be as I disappear.  I am at odds and at peace.  How can this be.  How can I live in this state of duality.  Maybe it's because I can't accept the realities of the now.  Or maybe this is my truth right now and I gotta just deal with the dualities.

I am strong and weak.  I am up and down.  I love and hate equally.  I want to live fully and yet I could lay down and die.

This has been my struggle for the better part of my life.  I took a personality assessment and it said I am unbelievably lonely.  Gee, I know.  And yet I can't tolerate people for long periods of time...except for my kids.  I find them delightful and interesting.  But, then again there are times when they are too much to bear.
I am living in this dual state like it's normal and perhaps on some level it is.  I am tired...all the fucking time.

But I keep moving.  Because I am not some mother in Somalia desperate to feed her kids.  I am not that woman in Afghanistan who just lost her son.  So I have some perspective and God knows I need perspective That is saving grace.  And no I don't have to look around the world for perspective.  I can look to the neighborhoods in my city where folks are up against it.  But that's not what I want to focus on.  Maybe I am too focused on my own shit.  Maybe I am spending way too much time feeling and thinking....duality again.

This is a remarkable time.  I am seeing more patterns to my life...same shit happening over and over again.  It is stunning what you can see about your life when you open your eyes and look for real.  Maybe I have been too long for the fantasy of my life and not fully rooted in the reality.  It this whining?  Is it self-absorption?

I am ready for a new day.  I am ready for not this.

I was thinking this period of my life was about Resurrection.  My time to come again.  Maybe I am being too premature for what is not happening.  Maybe I am not paying enough attention to what is happening...in a positive light.

Maybe I could take a page form those Somali mothers.... love alone can take you farther than you ever imagined.

BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE

If you need mental health support seek it.  If your thoughts are dangerous and destructive. Seek help! Immediately!  But for those of us who experience depression or have the blues, or feel lost, alone and drifting, here's my advice:

GO BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE.  Go be of service to something or someone outside of your universe.  Take your mind and attention off you you you you.  When you go and do something for someone else you will be lifted in ways you can't imagine.  So much of our mess is our thinking clouding our judgment.  We want what we want and we are mad, pissed off or disappointed when things don't go our way.  We hang too much of our happiness on things, people and more things.  And when I say we....I mean I.

It is easy for me to focus on my messes.  I get consumed by what I see as lack and it leads me down the dark, narrow path of feeling less than.  This is where depression sits and waits like a stalker ex-lover.  If I am not careful I can find myself wrapped up in a nasty fight.  This is why I stay in prayer, in tuned to all the good things God has laid out before me. What grounds me is when I turn my attention to being of support and help to someone. Offering my ear and spirit to hear someone without judgement and advice. And to sit and be present and listen with God's blessing.

My ministry is my smile and kind words to someone who needs real human interaction.  Being a blessing to someone calls me out of my own self-defeating thoughts.  I am the magic I want to see in the world.  I have the power to change some one's life as well as my own just by being kind, patient and loving.  On days when I am not kind, patient, loving, I have to push myself to be kind, patient and loving. Putting my attention on something other than what I perceive as my mess is the best way I know how to change my mood and delight in my blessings. I am not alone and I am not the center of the universe.  I can be a blessing to someone.

ACTION ACTION ACTION

You get more than one chance at the majority of things in life.  Three strikes only pertains to baseball.  You get as many chances as you are willing to take!  That is the beauty of living.  You are not limited except by your own design.  No one gets to limit what you attempt to do.  No one has the right to kill your dreams, stomp on your wishes or block your blessings.  Not even YOU! 

I have long since rooted out the negative forces in my life so I don't have negative folks...frenemies (friends who are enemies) whispering their poison of DON'T CAN'T SHOULDN'T.  However, the world still goes round and those messages are still shouted and I can still hear them.  It takes a great deal of will to push back the world and its influence. 

So I am back at looking at my goals, wishes and dreams.  I am looking at where I need to act right now to get the results I want.  The results I want to see are multi-fold.  I want to see them, but I want the journey to achieve them to be loving, fun and positive.  If I hate doing it every minute of the day then that can't be a good goal to begin with.  So what am I saying?

My attitude has to be in harmony with my actions.  I mean I gotta be more than willing to push myself.  I gotta go the extra miles.  Out of contemplation mode...into ACTION mode!

ACTION ACTION ACTION! That has to be my mantra as I push myself toward my goals.  This is on me and I am ready. Doesn't matter what I started and stopped before.  Doesn't matter what the failure rate was last time.  There is only ahead and I am moving in that direction.