TOWARDS THE END...

I am getting ready to be legally divorced. We have a scheduled court date for mid-December. More than likely I will be divorced before Christmas. My ex and I have been separated for over a year now. But according to him he was unhappy in the marriage for several years. Sigh. I am not interested in his unhappiness now. I cannot fix past things. I cannot fix present things.

I am however sad. I am not rehashing past history. Nor do I wish to revise history. It was an extraordinary love affair...the stuff legends are made of. A compelling story. A story my children love to hear. They love to hear how their parents fell in love and got married and lived happily ever after. They especially love the part when I wished on a star 4 times and viola! they arrived. Charming.

So here I am creating a life that I did not think I would have to on my own. My ex wishes me well....wants to be friends...will always love me...would never find another like me...all others pale in comparison...and yet he has left me...anyway.

I am indeed grateful and blessed for all that I have. The road was never easy. The path was often dark, unclear and treacherous. I am forever grateful for the lamps upon my path. I am not concerned about being in love again or getting married. What is meant for me will not get by me. I believe that. My prayers are for peace in my house and in the world. I am learning new prayers that celebrate joy and clarity and goodness and redemption.

I am a earth mother. A woman who puts down roots. A woman who nurtures. I revel in this new found definition. I am becoming more of myself as I was designed. I am coming towards the end of the marriage, and at the same time the beginning of a new sense of self.

I am getting divorced and it does make me sad. I now must turn my attention to what else is ahead. What new adventures await. I have been prepared...steel sharpens steel!

Towards the end is really the continuation of an amazing story.

FUCK YOU LARRY...HOW ABOUT THAT!

Do not come to my blog and leave nasty posts. I will delete them. Do not come to my blog and call me a liar because you don't like the shit I talk about. You no longer have the ability to intimidate or scare me. You know what you did and I know what you did and our children know what you did. How dare you come here and invade my space with your petty shit.

FUCK YOU!

Get a life. Or act like you have a life and quit trying to tell me what to do. You don't even see your kids. You won't even call them. You love them...how do they know that? How do you know it. If your beef is with me...fine, what else can you do to me that you haven't done? What is left? But our children? You would desert them because you are small and petty. You did this with your first wife and daughter. You have done this with your Mother, Father, Sisters, Brothers and other friends, your Lodge. You leave people. I've seen you do it time and time again with friends and relatives. You got kicked out of the engineers program because of your uncontrollable anger. When you were fired, I stood right there with you. I didn't get upset I said come on home we will figure it all out.

FUCK YOU!

Why didn't I file for divorce if I was so unhappy you ask? Because I loved you and I was willing to endure your petty shit for the sake of our family and the children we adopted. Because providing for them was and is more important than my own happiness. Because I thought I got what I deserved in you. I did not believe I could have more, or better. I settled. I tried to make the best of it. I was a FOOL! A FOOL DO YOU HEAR ME!

FUCK YOU!

I did my time in federal prison camp. I protected your ass. I let you blackmail me while I was under investigation--you threatend to tell them that I alone embezzled funds when I threatened to go to the police when you chased me up the stairs calling yourself about to push me down them. I put the phone down as you called me bitch and liar and thief. I took it because I was afraid. I have always been afraid of you. But most importantly I was always afraid of me.

FUCK YOU!

Yes, I should have filed for divorce the first year when you pulled a gun on me. When you shoved me so hard you busted my lip. I should have left you when you accused me of cheating on you. I should have left after you threw away 2 sets of wedding rings--that I bought. I should have left when you threw out a suit and pair of shoes you bought me for an interview--which I never got to wear because you got mad at me for something. I should have left you when you threw soda in my face while I was holding our baby because you didn't like a response I gave you. I should have left you on the 100th "bitch, fuck you" I should have left years and years and years ago. I own my part in my unhappiness. I own my part in being stupid. NEVER AGAIN!

FUCK YOU!

Yes I am a liar and I was a thief but I was not born that way and it was not my crime to bear, but I did. You don't have the guts to own your shit. You want everyone to think I am shit. Perhaps folks may think that. As you said everyone knows who I am and what I am about. Well, I know who stands with me. I know who my "true love" friends are. I am not ashamed of my life, or my past, or of anything. I got more balls than you will ever have. You know nothing about loyalty, commitment, honor and kindness or family.

FUCK YOU!

Now get on down the road and don't come back around here again.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: I BELIEVE IN ME...FINALLY!

The sun is shining and I can feel myself coming into my own. The shit that threw me into a funk has been properly put into its own place. I was trying to fix something that didn't need ME to fix. I wanted to have a different outcome on a particular situation and that was just not happening.

A couple of weeks my Ex came over to pick the kids up for dinner. He noticed I had my invitation to my Brother's wedding. He inquired about his. I said he was not invited. Now meanwhile my Brother is here at my house...sitting on the couch. My Ex says to me "Well I am divorcing you not him" Hhhm I don't think so, you are divorcing my whole family. They are not comfortable with you being there. That's why I hate coming over here, you always want to attack me. Kids your mother will take you out to dinner, I am leaving. We take the argument outside, says I am never coming over here again, you can have sole custody.

My children witnessed this.

So this turned me upside down and inside out. What in God's name did I do to him to cause this kind of treatment. For the past couple of weeks I wore his fury like jewelry. I walked around as in a dream. I couldn't get a handle on anything. I was numb. So of course my first instinct was to retreat. I know how to retreat. I was prepared to drop everything, all my hopes, dreams and plans. I was leaving this blog and I was going to retreat. I started to believe that he was right that I couldn't do this. I couldn't raise these kids on my own, that I couldn't take care of this house. That I couldn't do anything. I believed him. For the last couple of weeks I believed him.

He has not been by to see the children. He has not called them. I have encouraged them to write to him and send him notes...now he lives across town. But I also don't want them begging anyone to love them. So I am releasing myself from the burden of trying to patch his relationship with his children. That is not my truth to bear. and quite frankly there is no convincing in love. If you say you love someone you act accordingly. There are no excuses.

Today I believe me. I believe I can and I will live the life of my dreams...with children in tow. It took a bit for me to work my way through this. It took me really digging deep and seeing him for what and who he is. Truth be told he was always that way. I just lived in a state of disbelief. I know what kind of wife I was. I was faithful and attentive and loving. I am all those things still.

This is what I know today:
NO ONE WILL EVER TELL ME WHO I AM AGAIN. MY OPINION OF MYSELF IS THE PREVAILING OPINION. I AM AN AMAZING WOMAN AND I DESERVE ALL THE LOVE I CAN GIVE MYSELF! NO ONE WILL EVER TREAT ME LESS THAN I TREAT MYSELF. NO ONE WILL EVER RAISE A HAND TO ME AGAIN IN INTIMIDATION AND FEAR.

This is a new day and I am ready for it. I am awake and alive and I am READY!

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: DECISION TO BE HAPPY

I spent this week thinking out loud about the ending of my marriage, the possibility of dating, the possibility of sex, the possibility of marriage again. I have come to realize that time is irrelevant. Time is not healing, the changing of my mind and how I want to be, is healing.

Happiness is a choice!

Love is a choice!

I am over my ex because I choose to be. Because the thought of hanging onto what was done to me is pointless and adds nothing to my current state of happiness. Like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies. A year is nothing. It means nothing as I think about this. All I have is right now and right now I have decided to be happy. There is no such thing as too happy or too much happiness. This came to me in the middle of the night. I realized that I want every happiness all the time even in the midst of drama, crisis and self-doubt. I am deciding that I want to be happy. Not being more right, not smarter than, not better than...HAPPY!

My Ex is moving on and he has to live with his own conscience about how he left this family. It is not my life's role to remind him, or to punish him, or to guilt him into taking care of what he needs to do. Now a good attorney will handle shit if he falls by the wayside, but it has not come to that, so far he has been keeping his word to our children. Trying to show him my pain and how badly he hurt me is sad and keeps me stuck on stupid.

I have a bigger dream for myself and I have a life that I want to live, a life full of the love that is divinely designed for me and if I mess around with trying to punish him or shame him because he made a decision to choose happiness without me and our children as a package, then I lose out on receiving the blessings that are waiting for me. I only have to step from behind my fear. I am, boldly!

A Course in Miracles says "Love waits on welcome, not on time"

I have decided to welcome love in RIGHT NOW!

JULY 07-to-JULY 08

MY LIFELINE TO YOU
These are the ways I am deeply connected to you:
Our History
Our Children
Our Sense of the World
Our Faiths
My life has more meaning because of you.

We have a rich history together.

You are my comfort, my joy, my love.
Wherever we are together is home.
I’ll always be waiting for you.

I wrote this to my husband as he was preparing to leave. I put these words inside a photo of a house that looked like ours. But with a great deal of color and flowers...very whimsical (for some reason I couldn't cut and paste the lovely picture). I rolled it up and put it inside his wedding ring. I gave it to him with the hope that he would change his mind and come back home.

Well here I am a year later, and re-reading these words is like looking through a window and seeing someone else in my shoes! I mean I was sincere in my outpouring of emotion. Last year I was willing to tolerate a lot more nonsense. I was willing to accept his explanation of "I need space" " I am unhappy" "It's not you...it's me" I was willing to be smaller in character, in thought and mind and spirit for his sake.

I am not that woman anymore. And seeing these words does not stir up sadness. I wrote them from a place of fear and desperation. I was in the thick of it. I had a lot going on and I was just trying to stand against the winds. I was trying to hold onto anything and everything. Trying to save my family in the midst of all the drama...that made sense to me.

Today a year later almost to the day, as a matter of fact. I am different. I am better different. Stronger different. Lovingly different. Happy different.

So here are my words to him today:

May you have peace of mind,

may you have peace of spirit,

may your soul be at peace,

may there be peace everywhere,

and

may there be peace between us.

Alice Walker

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY:GETTING BEYOND BETRAYAL

My ex-husband used to say to me all the time, "You can't use yourself as a measuring tool for other people---you always want to see the good--people will hurt you and keep walking" As I think about this and all the shit he has pulled I guess he is proven right. I just did not expect the person closest to me to plunge the knife the deepest.

Things are what they are. I do not have to do anything except be me as I operate from a place of love. I do not have to fight malice with malice. I do not have to walk the earth as a wounded ex-wife. He left. I do not need to hold onto that. I am no one's victim. I am not even hating him. Being angry with him does nothing for my spirit. I am not being anything other than a woman on her path to joy, peace and love.

It is tricky separating out feelings from victimization. It is easy to wallow in he did this to me, when really my focus is what I do with my life is my call. Getting to that mindset is quite liberating. Freeing me in ways that I never thought I could be. I am so far from him that it is almost like being on Mount Kilimanjaro looking back and seeing him still putting on his climbing shoes as I reach the summit.

I was wounded by him the other day. It hurt a lot. I allowed his knife to nip at my heart because I was seeing him still with the eyes of old and not the eyes of now. Oh I am so focused now. I see him. But most importantly I see me. I realized that I do not have to dance with him anymore. He can play off his script from now until the cows come home. It has no bearing on me. I was trying to be the bridge between him and our children. But I come to realize that is not my role. I do not have to remind him of being a parent. I do not have to remind him or shame him into seeing them regularly. I am done. He will have the kind of relationship he creates with them. I will not impede or sugar coat, facilitate or make excuses for whatever he creates with them. All I can do is what I do.

I am getting beyond betrayal. I have. I look forward to the divorce. I look forward to all the possibilities the world has to offer. Yesterday was painful, today is joyous.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: MALICE BE GONE!

I am struggling with how to be in the presence of my ex-husband. Ever since he had me served a few days ago in the manner in which he did has me still a bit shaken. He had the choice to have me served a different way. And he chose the very public and very mean-spirited way. This was a very clear and deliberate message to me. One that I would not have chosen for him. So to know that a person so wants to hurt you, who used to profess undying love for you, hurts. So now I am trying to be still and not have this anger rise to the top.

I have run through my paces about this. I am not in love with him, I am not interested in reconciliation. I think the underlying issues for me is the sense that he no longer deems me worthy. That I am no longer good enough. That I am perhaps more of a burden than asset. When he is in my presence he acts as though nothing has changed, he is actually super-friendly as if to show he is happier now. Perhaps he is. Actually I am too...contemplating all my own steps on my own terms is such a turn on...but I digress.

For me in my heart is the notion that this has not phased him. As I said in previous posts, he left the marriage a year before he left the marriage, so he had time to process and make peace. I on the other hand, had more pressing issues in front of me and did not have the luxury. It will be a year soon that he left. A year.

What I was doing before being served was meeting him with the same upbeat enthusiasm, smiling face, even toned voice, access to the children without hassles...in most cases bending over backwards to facilitate, accommodate his needs. The last two days I could barely muster up the strength to talk to him. Yesterday when he dropped off the kids, I never looked at him once. I was polite, but I treated him like he was invisible. I am walking a fine line because my kids are like hawks and they watch me closely.

So this is what I will do. Go back to my upbeat enthusiastic self. Malice be gone! Smile, be jovial. Act and be as my life is amazing. Let go of my perceptions of why I think he thinks the way he does about me. Fuck it if he does think I am not worthy. He is not worthy of ME! Ha! Undoing 12 years of a faithful marriage will take a bit more doing, and I am just the Warrior Queen to do it. Am doing it! He will always have unlimited access to our children. I have never played those stupid games and never will, as a matter of fact I had to call him out about being better about seeing them.

I know I am worthy. I know I am amazing. It is so easy to let the old tapes run in my head, but the cool thing is, I catch myself and shut it down. I am not undoing all this healing work because of him or anybody else who thinks they have that kind of power. So Hello Ex, have a nice life, I know I am!

My heart is mending. And I am becoming lovelier by the minute!

SERVED OR HOW TO TAKE A WALK IN THE PARK...

I knew my ex-husband was up to something. I could feel it since last Thursday. I knew something was coming. I said to my Sister-friend JB, I bet you "EX" is meeting with a lawyer to file because he is so angry with me. Then I just laughed it off. I laughed it off because I was holding onto the agreement my Ex and I had about how we were going to conduct ourselves and handle this dissolution of this marriage.

A very nice Marshall was waiting to serve me divorce papers yesterday afternoon as I arrived home with my children. He was nice enough to present his card to me and asked me to step aside to talk as to not upset my children. I was stunned. I was stunned. I was stunned. STUNNED!

OK I am bypassing all the events of the evening. The comforting and empowering talks from my blood SisterLo and Sister-friend JB. The supportive ear of My Crush--it takes great patience to let a woman rant and vent in a shrill high-pitched voice, and the kind posts and conversation with Xavier--who by the way is well worth his weight in M&M's. They all let me vent, cry, scream. And of course consume lots of wine and beer.

Going forward this is what I know:

• My Ex did me a favor by leaving US.
• He did me a favor by filing divorce papers.
• He did me a favor by consistently showing me he is not the Man for me.
• He did me a favor by reminding Me of how petty, small and narrow he is.
• He did me a favor by providing me a solid example of what FEAR looks like.
• He did me a favor by forcing me to accept that I am an amazing woman.

There is nothing for me to fear. I have gone through so much without his care, concern, love. This is the Universe clearing space for me to arrange my life in a way that prepares me for what I want. There is nothing for me to fear. Not losing my house---I can get another one, this is my 3rd. Losing health benefits, I am a business owner I can work that out too. My two biggest fears are not so big when I shine the light of truth and love on them.

MY EX DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO BREAK ME! AND I AM NO LONGER AFRAID OF HIM!

So what has changed since yesterday? I am more sure of my self and my ability to stand in love and allow that to continue to guide and direct me. I am not going to let Him or anybody else dim my light, question my love, or bring fear and self loathing to my home, heart and bed.

I got this. I am reminded of all that I have survived in my big life and quite frankly, this is a walk in the park on a sunny day!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOOD SISTER LO!

SATURDAY MORNING MUSINGS AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #16

My estranged husband went out on a date last night to NYC to see the Color Purple. He has been dating for quite some time. He has gotten over me. To me it seems like overnight, but my "True Love" friends remind me that he left the marriage, well before he "left the marriage" So in essence he had a head start in getting past me. I am just getting used to the thought that he doesn't live here anymore. He is pursuing a new relationship. I cried more than I should have yesterday--breaking my own rule--that I posted months ago to stop all that damned crying...but I digress. NO! I do no want him back and NO! I do not want to reconcile. I just want to be where he is...over me. I want to be over me too.

So here is what I know: I have not lost a husband. I am not a widow. What is happening is the Universe IS making space for my new life. For my new dreams and my new love. I did not lose him, he left. And in leaving he has set in motion all the wonderful things that are just right outside my door. There are new adventures to be had, new relationships to grow and love to me made. My role is to be still, stay focused and keep an open heart. I get to choose who I want to be in all of this and of course I choose love and happiness...this is my year!

Sybil Kein
Flowers

When you make love
to me
I must confess,
your eyes are
April moist,
poetic.
With their lovely light,
they open my fingers
to catch the silence
of your sweet flesh.
Each time,
with each move,
we make a garden.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: A QUESTION OF LOYALTY

Ah another epiphany. I am having them all the time now. Why? because I am opening my self up in ways that I never could imagine. My new ah-ha moment came as I was talking to my sister-friend JB. I was working hard at not letting myself get caught up in my estranged husband's drama. Earlier in the week I asked my estranged husband if he could watch the children on a specific date in a couple of weeks. He could not. He has plans. I do not ask him for much. But in those rare occasions that I do--this is what I get: "I can't. I have plans" So rather than let myself internally combust I called JB. She let me vent for a few moments and then she very clearly said: "It isn't about him not loving you, it is about him being disloyal to you." It was as if the heavens opened wide and the angels began to sing. In that moment I knew she was right. He has been disloyal to me. DISLOYAL! My soul can not abide disloyalty. Loyalty for me it is akin to "true love" So of course I had to call my Sister Lo and talk for about an hour on this. She said "JB articulated what you knew all along". Estranged husband is DISLOYAL. She prompted me to look at at his life and the course of our marriage. It is is right there as clear as the water you find on the beaches of the Dominican Republic--my favorite Island...but I digress. JB was so right. Once I accepted this, it was as if another burden was lifted from my shoulders. I am no longer wrangling about why he doesn't love me anymore. What is love without loyalty? He knows so little about family and commitment and community and long-standing friends. He never had those experiences. He never stayed with anyone or anything long enough to grow roots. He has been on a job for many years, but a work ethic is not the same as family connection. I knew this when I met him and I chose to downplay the importance of this. I believed like so many women, that My Love would see him through, that my bustling family would embrace him and take him in. They did, I did, we all did. But it was not enough. And I suspect he was suffocating in all this family. I don't really know for sure and it is not for me to analyze. I do know that the next time I get married...and there will be a next time! I will spend a great deal more time discerning my choice and what qualities are of value to me. I did not choose unwisely this time. I think I married who I was supposed to marry for that time in my life. This is a new chapter and I am becoming a different sort of woman and my desires and wishes and hopes are far greater than ever before. So this means that as I am building a new list of what I value in a mate, loyalty will be at the top.

In 2 weeks My Brother Bob-O is sitting with the children while JB and I check out Anna Deavere Smith in her new play "Let Me Down Easy".

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: I KNOW NOW...FOR SURE

I have been having these great moments of clarity around the current state of affairs that is my marriage. What I am beginning to realize is that once I take off the everything-was-bliss glasses and put on my this-is what-it-is glasses, I see a much more accurate view of the total marriage. When my estranged husband moved out and left us, I was so wounded. It was as if someone kept punching and kicking me while I was on the ground. He, on the other hand, does not see it that way. He has no hard feelings about it. He said he prayed and prayed about this and his answer was clear...leave. Now I am not one to challenge any one's conversations in prayer with God/Higher Power/Deity/Witch Doctor. But I do know he has no regard for my care and concern. You see if someone loves you they do not hurt you, they do not leave you in crisis or disregard your feelings. His leaving was not about me, but more about him and what he was not capable of dealing with. I own my contribution to the demise of our marriage. I was thinking that perhaps my actions were the larger contributor to the ending of our marriage. But in reality he has some deep rooted issues that were bigger than his love for me and what we were building as a family. I always understood that all marriages have tough times and I was fully committed to riding out whatever storm came our way. I believed in my vows--they were my shield and my blanket in the most difficult of times. He, however did not feel that and I suspect the strain of all that was going on, was too much for him to handle. As my "True Love" friends say--"He just did not have the capacity to go any further" Marriage and the commitment of marriage is about love, but more importantly it is about character and truly living the vows you take and make with another person. Sex is easy, romance created, but long lasting love requires diligence and kindness all the time. This revelation has freed me and allows me to see my estranged husband not as some romantic character from a fairy tale; but as a flawed human being who is trying to figure out his place in the world. We are on different tracks. I am clear about who I am and I am clear about the kind of woman I want to be. He has personal development work to do. At some point we all have to answer the basic questions: Who am I ? and what is my purpose? I already know real abiding happiness isn't tied to salary, homes, cars, multiple partners and status. I now know my happiness lies in making the world a better place. I know what my worth is and I know what I value. I wanted my husband to be at my side, so I pushed and pulled and carried him, hoping that the real him would show up and be ready to roll with me. This is my short comings, working on his potential and ignoring who he was really and fully. I totally ignored who showed up and tried to make him into my ideal and I think for awhile he bought into it and then woke up and realized he was lost...with a broken compass. I am changing and I feel myself letting go of him and the dream of him. I have a new dream and it's rooted in authenticity, happiness and faith. I wish him all the best on his solitary journey, and I can't wait around for him. I know that now...for sure.

NIL

Lately friends have been gently hinting that I ought to test the dating waters. See what is out there. (Sigh) I have not given this any real thought. Oh yes I have fantasized about mind-blowing sex or some chance encounter with a dream lover. But to actually think about dating someone and going out and having light conversation with someone with the possibility of a love connection...NO! I mean I am a good looking woman, winning smile, charming personality and a great sense of humor. I am sort of smart and sort of well-read and sort of intelligent. I believe I am a gem. However, in addition, I am a newly minted felon who is on home confinement until March 31, 2008 and then probation for 3 years. This is not an attractive attribute. I mean come on, I am not so sure I would date me. Now I am NOT posting this because I am in need of a confidence booster...OK maybe a little. But I do know that this is going to be a huge obstacle for someone to deal with. I have a lot of shit I am dealing with and who would want to get in bed with all that. (SIGH)

Yesterday I was over at Sojourner g who's poem Nil moved me to a place of longing. The poem is haunting and drags me to a place that I was not prepared to think about. So here I am thinking about life after marriage. Sex after marriage. And dreaming that I will be the object of someones desire that is so beautifully expressed in the poem Nil. (SIGH)
I know all is as it should be and "True Love" will find me...when it is time.

YES I DO MISS HIM...I AM OWNING THAT

I miss my husband. I miss him. I am allowing myself this emotion without beating myself up and with full knowledge that he is not coming home. I miss him, that is it. There is no hidden agenda or longing for days gone by. I am turned toward the horizon and I am stepping foward in God's care. But in this moment, in this season, I miss my husband.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THANK YOU FOR LEAVING ME

I was so pissed at my estranged husband. I have been praying and praying to have the grace to let go of this mess. He left me. I am standing here not understanding what happened. So since I asked for the keys to the house and my ride, he has been busy. Busy separating me from the car insurance, the cell phone account and the joint bank accounts. He said I need to be independent and that he was happy that I asked for the keys because he was tired of being responsible for me. OK. I was so furious that I emailed him my feelings--not cussing him out, but really saying what I wanted to say for a long time--from the safety of my computer. I let him know how I felt about all this and our past history. Then I re-read what I wrote and the light from on high came on! Looking at our history laid out before my eyes startled me. WHY IN GOD"S NAME WOULD I WANT TO CONTINUE IN THIS MARRIAGE WITH ALL THIS PAST AND PRESENT DRAMA. Oh my God! I got it! Now there are 3 sides to a story, my side, his side and the truth. I gotta tell you I think I am closer to the truth than he and I have family and friends who support this. Truth be told I should have left him years ago when all the physical and verbal abuse started. But we went to counseling and moved the marriage forward. But as the years went on there were more incidents of abusive behaviour and still I hung in. Telling myself all marriages have problems. All marriages have their issues. Dr. Robin was right, "as long as we are willing to call things anything and everything except what it is, then we allow ourselves to stay in the mess."
My husband did me a favor by leaving me. He really did. And I am able to see it now because I can speak truth to power. All this turmoil and upheaval in my life is really about preparing me for the greater days ahead. I understand that today, in this moment. I was so tortured about being left that I was willing to believe his spin about me. I almost let his shit become my reality. I almost lost my confidence in who I am and what I can do. I am a Warrior Queen.
So we have called a truce and I am committed to co-parenting. And I am moving forward on my own terms, on my own steam and on my own strength.
So thank you husband for leaving me. You have set me free in ways you could never imagine and I say THANK YOU!

MAKING MY WAY FORWARD OR HOW I AM BECOMING THE GREATEST DRAGON SLAYER THAT EVER LIVED

So yesterday, my estranged husband comes by to give me money for the groceries. He lets himself in with keys. I decided in that moment to take the keys away. I asked for the keys to this house and keys to MY minivan. If this marriage is over...and it IS! then he can't just waltz in whenever he feels like it. There has to be rules. A couple of weeks before I left to self-surrender to the federal prison camp he stood in my kitchen in the midst of an argument about him seeing his kids on a regular basis and said to my face: I left you get over it! So this is my getting over it--give me my keys to my house, keys to my ride. Call before you come over and I will do the grocery shopping from now on.

Here's what I now for sure: I can get through this. I just went to prison. I am bankrupt and will probably lose this house. I am getting through this all. I am not broken and I am not defeated. My fighting spirit is strong.
My estranged husband is right, he left and I have to get over it. On to the next dragon!

King-Sized Bed for a Queen

Last night was my first official night as a separated spouse. I was way too lit to notice. However around 5:00 am I did notice. It was heartbreaking. But the good part was that for the last several months my husband has been staying out till all hours of the morning--he usually didn't get in till 3, 4, 5, 6, 7:00am. The Strip Clubs are open really late. He would be pissed if he knew I was talking about his Strip Club visits. Hey, I like Strip Clubs too--those women work hard for a buck. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. There is something quite liberating about having a big bed to yourself. My husband is a fool, but I do respect his decision to figure out who he is. I do not have that luxury of leaving...unless I want to add sorry-ass mother to my list of sins. I do not. I am clear about who I am. I always knew. I have long sense realized that you can't find out who you are in the eyes of friends, strangers or ridiculous notions of roles. My husband is in the mist of a crisis--a journey that he must walk on his own. He runs the risk of not having a caring wife, loving children and a community of friends that are trying to respect him. I have seen this movie. My own father was fucked-up like this and he never recovered. I, however remain Queen of my own thoughts and deeds. I have 4 kids to raise--so does he, but for me it is my life's work. So alone I go to my big king-sized bed, feeling pretty safe and ever hopeful about this life that I get to carve out, be it as a single woman or as a married woman. I can roll and roll and roll; hogging all the covers knowing in this moment I am OK! Bring on night number 2--late night movies, stupid TV shows and lots of magazines spread out...hey it's a king sized bed, I GOT LOT'S OF ROOM!

Patron, Negro Modela and a husband says good bye!

Today was fabulous. It was like old times. Hanging out for the day, shopping, taking the kids for a grand lunch. Today was moving day. My husband moved his shit and left us. Hell, I let him use my mommy whip--the minivan. I am more stunned than I ever thought I would be. I knew it was coming. How could a man leave his wife and kids. No matter what, no matter how unhappy you think you are, you don't leave. So I am drinking--Patron Tequila and Beer-Negro Modelo's. I have been careful not to freak the kids out. My 10 year daughter is at a girls only b-day party and the other three are planted in front of the TV. I have been crying for about an hour--out of view of my children. I know, I said no more crying. I was not expecting this rush of emotions. It is like being orphaned. I feel so overwhelmed, I almost can't handle it. And I got the civil suit shit in the mail--they are seeking judgement, the $49,000 I misappropriated (stole) and then another 50,000 in whatever else they need--fees, attorney bills etc.. So I owe $100,000. so that also added to my stress. God help me. I am floating at sea in a raft made of twigs. So I am drinking, Patron and negro modelo's. I know my limitations. I am in for the night. I just feel so helpless and so abandoned and as I write the tears are coming. I fucked up and I know it and I am trying to stare down the rising tide. I can do this. I have four hearts that need me to hold it all together. That revelation trumps heartache everyday of the week.
The thing that I love most about me is that I have the ability to rise above shit. Believe it or not I can handle this. The universe is already working on my behalf and God's got my back. Just in the moments it took to craft this posting. I am already refocused and on point. I am drinking in this moment because ...well I like it! I am feeling pretty damned good. I got this no matter what. Good night.

Standing Still

I have decided nothing except to stand still. My husband is moving out--and refuses to call his new home, his home--he refers to it as the apt on blank street. My children are OK, but I know they are afraid, so I am doing my best to keep up a brave front. I don't think its a bad thing for kids to get a glimpse of Mom and Dad tugging it out--as long as they see some positive resolution (I don't mean physical stuff, I mean raised voices, but without bad language). As I said I am standing still. Today I am standing still, I wish I could say like a redwood, or a sycamore, grand and regal. I am standing still because there is nothing else to do. I have to let God do the handiwork. I must allow the universe to work on my behalf. I have to get out of my own way. I am standing still.

Stopping all the damned crying

OK, I must say tears are not my strong suit. But since my marriage is ending, I have been crying all the time. Well today is LIBERATION DAY! I am done with the tears. He--my husband has walked out and left us. His explanation is bull***t and I, for one, am tired of hearing it. Sure life can be hard and at times it feels like the ground is opening up around you. But guess what you grab onto what you can and hold on, and if you have enough strength...and I do, you climb up and out. So enough already, he has made his decision and I can't wait for the change of mind--which I know will come eventually. But what I have realized in just 24 hours is that I love me, and I love who I have become and I know I have a lot of stuff to deal with (pending sentencing, bankruptcy, foreclosure and most importantly 4 children who need me) So running out is not an option, nor do I want it to be. Because as all my good friends have reminded me, this too will pass and the good times will be all the more sweeter. Of course the ending of my marriage is hurting, it is a pain that is unimaginable, but I do know that it won't hurt forever and I have lots to do. So all the damned tears are on hold for a more worthy and deserving occasion. And in the meantime, I've some transforming to do.

Marriage Diary: Vol 1 Thursday night

So he is leaving. A great part of me is relieved. And another part is sad. Because I believed in the death do us part, and happily ever after. I thought I knew him, really knew him from my soul. It was a grand affair, a love story that would stand the test of time. But I was wrong. I am wrong. He wants out and I can't figure out why and when did it all go wrong. I certainly can't remember or figure out. Our life seemed good to me. Yes, we have some drama now, but I know this too shall pass. Enough with the whining. I have 4 kids to think about and I have to keep it together. Whatever illusion I was holding onto no longer exists. He wants out and I am obliged to let him go. He is weak and doesn't deserve a woman like me. I am fun, and full of life. I am pretentious and uncommon. So "I say go--walk out the door your not wanted here anymore. Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye, did you think I'd crumble did you think I would lay down and die --oh no not I , I will survive as along as I know how to love, I'll know I'll stay alive, cause I got all my life to live and all my love to give I WILL SURVIVE"...Gloria Gaynor