What am I willing to leave behind? This question goes beyond this Season of Lent. This is truly a life changing question that is perhaps the foundation for any change that I make moving forward.
Whether its old habits, toxic and stagnant relationships, or mundane average thinking. What am I willing to leave behind? Can I be truly be honest with choosing the things that I must let go of in order to live free? I have done a great deal of self-analysis over the years on this blog. I have dissected myself for the world to see, but even with some of that, I have been hard-pressed to let go of all the things that keep me stuck.
Truth-telling is hard work. Standing in my mirror and really looking into my heart and mind is no easy task. I can easily be too harsh, or go too easy. I can see what I want to see or I can focus on the worst parts. There has to be a balance and for me, getting to the balance is the biggest challenge.
This Season of Lent I am committed to asking what am I willing to leave behind in order to begin anew? What can I let go of and never return to? This simple Christian question is a life question indeed. Perhaps this is my age old question underneath all the other self-awareness questions that beg me to answer... Who am I and what do I want? Maybe the question moving forward is Who am I to God...in God and what does God want for me? Is this an aha moment? I am thinking so. I am feeling like this moves me into a different direction away from thinking about me alone, and into thinking of myself as a community. Hhmm, will save this thought for another post.
I am taking to prayer today, the overarching question of what am I willing to leave behind? I need divine guidance on this. I don't want to hastily rattle off a list of things I think I could let go of. I want to move as God would have me move.
Showing posts with label The Lenten Journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Lenten Journey. Show all posts
Monday, March 5, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
My Lenten Journey 2012: Blogging Is A Part of The Sojourn
I do not blog with an end in sight. I write from where I am with no real thought about the road ahead. I am coming to understand that God gives me enough light for the next step ahead. It is just enough illumination to see to the next step. Yes, I often look to the horizon, and I want to see down the road. But in reality all I need to see is the next step. I have enough strength and courage for one more step, or at least that's what I pray for. So blogging keeps me rooted in this very moment. It gives me pause for the journey right now. Whatever I am feeling, whatever is happening, it is right now.
This Season of Lent, I am continuing my spiritual journey from a place of desire and excitement. There is no fear about the road ahead, or the days ahead, or the years ahead. There are dreams of course, and hopes and plans of all sorts. But I am most interested in the quality of the journey right now. Am I noticing God's movement in my life? Where are the places of beauty and pain and how can I get more of beauty and less of pain? How am I becoming love? Do the people in my circle know that I truly love them? For me this Season of Lent is about my journey and the quality of those moments in my right now.
Lent is the time I am drawing closer to God by giving up and sacrificing creature comforts. I am giving up, self-doubt, pity, worrying. Physically, I am giving eating poorly, staying up late, and too many other carnal indulgences. This is a long overdue overhaul. It is not ambitious, it is God's call on my life that I have been ignoring for way too long. I have only to look back at my blog archives to see where I have started, stopped and started again over the years. Lent calls to my inner self. I am listening and answering.
Blogging is part of the sojourn, where I meet myself in the now as I take in the totality of my life in this moment.
This Season of Lent, I am continuing my spiritual journey from a place of desire and excitement. There is no fear about the road ahead, or the days ahead, or the years ahead. There are dreams of course, and hopes and plans of all sorts. But I am most interested in the quality of the journey right now. Am I noticing God's movement in my life? Where are the places of beauty and pain and how can I get more of beauty and less of pain? How am I becoming love? Do the people in my circle know that I truly love them? For me this Season of Lent is about my journey and the quality of those moments in my right now.
Lent is the time I am drawing closer to God by giving up and sacrificing creature comforts. I am giving up, self-doubt, pity, worrying. Physically, I am giving eating poorly, staying up late, and too many other carnal indulgences. This is a long overdue overhaul. It is not ambitious, it is God's call on my life that I have been ignoring for way too long. I have only to look back at my blog archives to see where I have started, stopped and started again over the years. Lent calls to my inner self. I am listening and answering.
Blogging is part of the sojourn, where I meet myself in the now as I take in the totality of my life in this moment.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Discipline And Commitment: My Lenten Journey 2012
It's been a while since I blogged about my Lenten Journey. I did it a few years ago when I was inspired by the creative spirit that was preached in church. It was all about using your creative energy during this time. Right now I am intrigued with discipline and commitment and how to have them in my life moving forward.
I was listening to Joyce Meyer last night talk about not allowing your feelings to drive your behavior. I have been guilty, guilty guilty of this in all areas of my life. I have to let go of doing things only when I feel like it. I must do things because they are the right things to do even if I don't want to do them. This is how you avert crisis. This is how you become honorable. Doing what I say I am going to do.
Lent is all about commitment and discipline...giving something up. Sacrificing something for the sake of getting closer to God. I have decided to give up beer, wine and cussing! My kids have no faith in me... NONE! I have faith in me!
I am going to re post some of my past Lenten Journey posts for inspiration and motivation.
As I discern my Lenten Journey. I am feeling the real pull of my
creative nature. The universe is laying before me a path to create my
way into abundance. Yes, create my way into my very best self.
Yesterday in our Adult Forum at Church we sat to brainstorm our Lenten
Journey. Discussing our link between spirituality and creativity. It
was an amazing time. This moment that I am in is an amazing time.
I am truly seeing that in difficult times if we are open, our creativity can be the answer to all the prayers to ease fear, lack and discontent. It is our moments of creative expression and thought that are the answered prayers. Not creativity as art and artistic expression alone. But thinking creatively about all things. It is allowing the divinity to lead and direct and open me in ways that I couldn't not see because of fear and lack. It is about lifting my skills up for the glory of God. For the greater glory of God. It is trusting that I have enough to live the life divinely given to me.
My final divorce date is this month. I received the letter from court on Thursday. All the old fears and anxiety came rushing back, can I make it on my own, can I raise my children, can I make a living. It is the end of the END. It is a finality that still hurts. But what I have come to realize and learn in prayer and meditation that there is more for me to do down the road. That this relationship ends, there are many more fruitful relationships awaiting my attention. The greatest one being my relationship with myself and the divinity within.
So my Lenten Journey is so appropriate as I move forward. This is my time to tap into my long buried creative spirit. To shish the nay saying voices and step out on faith. To hear only my voice strong. To follow the light of the divine. To be fearless.
Someone read my tarot cards for me. No this does not put me at odds with my faith. I rather like the mysticism of ancient tarot cards. The 7 Of Swords was drawn. This card speaks to self-created fears. The 7 of swords asks us to look at the ways in which we are limiting ourselves through the terrors of our own imaginations. It asks us to recognise what it is that prevents us from realizing our dreams and inspirations.
And then, this card asks us to open our eyes and see things as they really are. Not scary and dangerous after all, but full of possibility and hope. It is then that we are able to take action!
I am taking action! I am stepping fully into my creative self. I am clearing my mind of unnecessary clutter of doubt, fear and lack. The universe is speaking. GOD is speaking. It is on me to hear and heed.
Ad maiorem dei gloriam
I was listening to Joyce Meyer last night talk about not allowing your feelings to drive your behavior. I have been guilty, guilty guilty of this in all areas of my life. I have to let go of doing things only when I feel like it. I must do things because they are the right things to do even if I don't want to do them. This is how you avert crisis. This is how you become honorable. Doing what I say I am going to do.
Lent is all about commitment and discipline...giving something up. Sacrificing something for the sake of getting closer to God. I have decided to give up beer, wine and cussing! My kids have no faith in me... NONE! I have faith in me!
I am going to re post some of my past Lenten Journey posts for inspiration and motivation.
Monday, March 2, 2009
LENTEN JOURNEY: AD MAIOREM DEI GLORIAM
I am truly seeing that in difficult times if we are open, our creativity can be the answer to all the prayers to ease fear, lack and discontent. It is our moments of creative expression and thought that are the answered prayers. Not creativity as art and artistic expression alone. But thinking creatively about all things. It is allowing the divinity to lead and direct and open me in ways that I couldn't not see because of fear and lack. It is about lifting my skills up for the glory of God. For the greater glory of God. It is trusting that I have enough to live the life divinely given to me.
My final divorce date is this month. I received the letter from court on Thursday. All the old fears and anxiety came rushing back, can I make it on my own, can I raise my children, can I make a living. It is the end of the END. It is a finality that still hurts. But what I have come to realize and learn in prayer and meditation that there is more for me to do down the road. That this relationship ends, there are many more fruitful relationships awaiting my attention. The greatest one being my relationship with myself and the divinity within.
So my Lenten Journey is so appropriate as I move forward. This is my time to tap into my long buried creative spirit. To shish the nay saying voices and step out on faith. To hear only my voice strong. To follow the light of the divine. To be fearless.
Someone read my tarot cards for me. No this does not put me at odds with my faith. I rather like the mysticism of ancient tarot cards. The 7 Of Swords was drawn. This card speaks to self-created fears. The 7 of swords asks us to look at the ways in which we are limiting ourselves through the terrors of our own imaginations. It asks us to recognise what it is that prevents us from realizing our dreams and inspirations.
And then, this card asks us to open our eyes and see things as they really are. Not scary and dangerous after all, but full of possibility and hope. It is then that we are able to take action!
I am taking action! I am stepping fully into my creative self. I am clearing my mind of unnecessary clutter of doubt, fear and lack. The universe is speaking. GOD is speaking. It is on me to hear and heed.
Ad maiorem dei gloriam
Sunday, March 7, 2010
INWARD...
I am feeling very introspective today. Where am I?
I am having that free-falling backwards feeling. I can't seem to get my bearings. I can't seem to stand on firm ground in my life. I am anxious and argumentative. I am short tempered and I am uneasy. Tired. Very tired of being underneath struggle. I've been at war too long and I am ready to come in from the raging storms. I've been in battle for too long. I am losing my ability to feel soft. I am losing my ability to see love. I am becoming distrustful of my own thoughts and feelings.
There is too much noise in my life from all directions. I am constantly being talked at. I am losing my ability to elevate my mind from the chaos of my life. I am tired of being told what to do about the most mundane of things. I don't give a shit about dishes in the sink. Not today!
WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT? WHO THE HELL DO I WANT TO BE?
God I wish someone would be kind to me. Take care of me. Make everything alright for me... just for today. I want someone to mind the children while I nap. Make the lemon water without asking me first. I want someone to love that I am quiet and brooding and not constantly asking me what's on my mind! I want someone to crawl in bed with me and just start fucking me... without a whole lot of conversation. CAN I HAVE THAT! PLEASE!
Who am I really? and what do I want? what matters to me? and how can I keep moving forward with grace? What would a better Me look like? And could someone just come and love this Me? AS Is? Do I love this ME as is?
Inward once again for the true answers. Maybe I've relied too much on the external. Maybe.
I am having that free-falling backwards feeling. I can't seem to get my bearings. I can't seem to stand on firm ground in my life. I am anxious and argumentative. I am short tempered and I am uneasy. Tired. Very tired of being underneath struggle. I've been at war too long and I am ready to come in from the raging storms. I've been in battle for too long. I am losing my ability to feel soft. I am losing my ability to see love. I am becoming distrustful of my own thoughts and feelings.
There is too much noise in my life from all directions. I am constantly being talked at. I am losing my ability to elevate my mind from the chaos of my life. I am tired of being told what to do about the most mundane of things. I don't give a shit about dishes in the sink. Not today!
WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT? WHO THE HELL DO I WANT TO BE?
God I wish someone would be kind to me. Take care of me. Make everything alright for me... just for today. I want someone to mind the children while I nap. Make the lemon water without asking me first. I want someone to love that I am quiet and brooding and not constantly asking me what's on my mind! I want someone to crawl in bed with me and just start fucking me... without a whole lot of conversation. CAN I HAVE THAT! PLEASE!
Who am I really? and what do I want? what matters to me? and how can I keep moving forward with grace? What would a better Me look like? And could someone just come and love this Me? AS Is? Do I love this ME as is?
Inward once again for the true answers. Maybe I've relied too much on the external. Maybe.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: SPRING CLEANING
I think this blog needs a makeover. Yes a makeover. It is way too dark for how I am feeling. I am ready for some color! I mean everything in my life is about color...this blog should reflect that too!
I spent last weekend organizing my house. Cleaning up the clutter. I was listening to Peter Walsh on Oprah last week and what he said resonated with me. I began to think there is no success in clutter. If your home is cluttered your mind is cluttered. There can be no real success in the midst of clutter and mess. So I cleaned, sorted, purged. All of the public spaces are orderly. My bedroom is a sanctuary. Only thing left to do is the kid's rooms.
There is no other priority more pressing than making my home the place that I am at ease in. It is the place that replenishes my spirit. If my living space is a mess...then my life is a mess too. What is on my mind is reflected in my life. So as I am newly divorced I refused to let another day pass with a junky, messy, cluttered space. I was tired of the excuses for not cleaning and creating order. I was embarrassed to have to move things out of the way to find simple things. and then I had to think what message was I sending my kids. When shit falls apart we let everything fall apart? So Spring cleaning has commenced and I am happy when I wake up and come downstairs to a clean, orderly space.
Taking back one's life begins at home. Clearing my living space of clutter is the first step in clearing my mind of clutter. Success is invited in and has a place here. Success does not have to compete for space, nor is lost because of all the other mess.
Welcome Spring!
I spent last weekend organizing my house. Cleaning up the clutter. I was listening to Peter Walsh on Oprah last week and what he said resonated with me. I began to think there is no success in clutter. If your home is cluttered your mind is cluttered. There can be no real success in the midst of clutter and mess. So I cleaned, sorted, purged. All of the public spaces are orderly. My bedroom is a sanctuary. Only thing left to do is the kid's rooms.
There is no other priority more pressing than making my home the place that I am at ease in. It is the place that replenishes my spirit. If my living space is a mess...then my life is a mess too. What is on my mind is reflected in my life. So as I am newly divorced I refused to let another day pass with a junky, messy, cluttered space. I was tired of the excuses for not cleaning and creating order. I was embarrassed to have to move things out of the way to find simple things. and then I had to think what message was I sending my kids. When shit falls apart we let everything fall apart? So Spring cleaning has commenced and I am happy when I wake up and come downstairs to a clean, orderly space.
Taking back one's life begins at home. Clearing my living space of clutter is the first step in clearing my mind of clutter. Success is invited in and has a place here. Success does not have to compete for space, nor is lost because of all the other mess.
Welcome Spring!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
SINGING MY FEELINGS: SOMEONE EXACTLY LIKE YOU...VAN MORRISON
I woke up this morning with this song on my heart. At first I was like WTF? I am getting divorced in a few hours why would I be singing a song about new love and finding new love. Then it dawned on me. I am supposed to be singing a song about finding new love. It is about hope. Today is not an ending...but a beginning. It is another example of changing my mind....changing my life. Rather than seeing today as a sad ending. I am reminded that I need to see it as a glorious beginning. So this song is appropriate. The lyrics and music are stunningly beautiful and it indeed makes me hopeful.
Someone exactly like you - Van Morrison
I've been searching a long time
For someone exactly like you
I've been travelling all around the world
Waiting for you to come through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.
I've been travellin' a hard road
Lookin' for someone exactly like you
I've been carryin' my heavy load
Waiting for the light to come
Shining through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.
I've been doin' some soul searching
To find out where you're at
I've been up and down the highway
In all kinds of foreign lands
Someone like you... etc.
I've been all around the world
Marching to the beat of a different
Drum.
But just lately I have
Realized
The best is yet to come.
Someone exactly like you - Van Morrison
I've been searching a long time
For someone exactly like you
I've been travelling all around the world
Waiting for you to come through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.
I've been travellin' a hard road
Lookin' for someone exactly like you
I've been carryin' my heavy load
Waiting for the light to come
Shining through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.
I've been doin' some soul searching
To find out where you're at
I've been up and down the highway
In all kinds of foreign lands
Someone like you... etc.
I've been all around the world
Marching to the beat of a different
Drum.
But just lately I have
Realized
The best is yet to come.
Friday, March 13, 2009
FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: TOOLS
This has been a very trying couple of days for me. I have been crying and feeling so overwhelmed by the heaviness of my life. I can feel the sadness of losing so much. I can feel my spirit not being able to hang in or hang on. I am tired and overwrought. I am alone and the aloness is so loud it is deafening. Last night I asked God to give me a break. Seriously I just need to catch a break. I got up this morning with the same sense of needing to catch a break. Needing some KIND thing, some happy news, something that will push me out of this valley. I slept fitfully. I am tired.
This morning as I was driving my kids and a couple of other kids to school (I am the carpool mom) It dawned on me, I have tools to pull me through! I have learned over the course of my life how to pull myself up off the ground. I have got to reconnect and summon all my tools for self preservation. I know how to be my own hero in my story...my life.
Pulling into my driveway I realized I can do 1 of 2 things 1) let the malaise over take me and stay stuck in fear and insecurity and helplessness or 2) Get on with it and kick some self-pity ass. I am choosing 2! Why? because steel sharpens steel, baby and I am by now EXCALIBUR!
I am laying out my tools that will pull me through. This is what I do when the world has me on the ropes and I might being going down for the count:
1) Call my blood Sister Lo. My Sister is the Queen of optimism and Can-DO! and my very best friend on the planet. Nobody talks hard truths like my Sister Lo. Nobody soothes my aching heart like her. She knows my history...we share it. She reminds me of where and who we come from.
2)My Best Friend Ron. No matter what, he is always on my side. Always extending his ear and shoulder to me. 20 years and we are still the bestest of friends. Nobody has ever been as kind and generous to me the way he has been. No matter the day or the hour he is available to me.
3)Call my Sister-friend JB. She is new to the tool kit but baby she has been an amazing addition. I swear she has single-handedly gotten me through the handling of my divorce...she helped me change my heart and mind about it. I would not be this far developmentally without her. She has a keen sense of clarity of what divorce means and how it makes you feel. She understood my pain and motivated me not to be defeated by it. And she bakes me vegan sweets that soothe my soul!
4) I blog. I read other blogs. Blogging has been a way to connect with the universe in a way that a journal does not. I know there are like-minded folks out there who know what I am talking about when I blog my heart out. And I can feel their well-wishes!
5) Sit and chat and play with my kids. They seem to be intuitively linked to me. They know exactly when I need their hugs and kisses. I swear they are Angels. When they call Mom it is as if God is reminding me he is with me all the time.
6) Gratitude Journal. Even in the midst of chaos and uncertainty there is always something to be grateful for.
7) Crafts. I love focusing on some creative project. Nothing makes me happier than creating something.
8) Books of inspiration. I have a fabulous stash of books by folks that speak directly to my soul. Marianne Williamson and others like her, Books of Poetry, books of inspiration and devotion.
9) Romance movies. Nothing cheers me up like a good romance or romantic comedy. I have a great stash... Four Wedding & a Funeral, Sense & Sensibility, Under the Tuscan Sun, Pride & Prejudice, Auntie Mame, The Women--both versions.
10) Church and my Minister. My Church has got to be one of the coolest around. I've never in my life met people who are so willing to give and help and support. I am always happy when I am with my Church family.
11) Remembering who I am and what I have done thus far. Reminding myself that I have accomplished and done a great many marvelous things.
12) Prayer & Meditation & Rest. Turning my attention to God as my friend and redeemer. To sit and quiet the mind. To be present with the living...nature...spirit. Worrying robs you of rest. I nap. I dream.
13) There are other tools that enhance these top 12. Additional folks who answer when I call. Who periodically check in. Who had my back in the darkest of darkest moments. Who truly are friends to the end. Who show up and a re present. Who know me and love me all the same.
If I am still in my spiral downward free fall, I revisit each one with intensity. I don't quit until I am feeling renewed and motivated to get up and get on with it. No one can go it alone. We have to have support systems in place. The magic is reaching out and saying what I need and allowing the help to come. What is needed will come.
The Lenten Journey continues.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
This morning as I was driving my kids and a couple of other kids to school (I am the carpool mom) It dawned on me, I have tools to pull me through! I have learned over the course of my life how to pull myself up off the ground. I have got to reconnect and summon all my tools for self preservation. I know how to be my own hero in my story...my life.
Pulling into my driveway I realized I can do 1 of 2 things 1) let the malaise over take me and stay stuck in fear and insecurity and helplessness or 2) Get on with it and kick some self-pity ass. I am choosing 2! Why? because steel sharpens steel, baby and I am by now EXCALIBUR!
I am laying out my tools that will pull me through. This is what I do when the world has me on the ropes and I might being going down for the count:
1) Call my blood Sister Lo. My Sister is the Queen of optimism and Can-DO! and my very best friend on the planet. Nobody talks hard truths like my Sister Lo. Nobody soothes my aching heart like her. She knows my history...we share it. She reminds me of where and who we come from.
2)My Best Friend Ron. No matter what, he is always on my side. Always extending his ear and shoulder to me. 20 years and we are still the bestest of friends. Nobody has ever been as kind and generous to me the way he has been. No matter the day or the hour he is available to me.
3)Call my Sister-friend JB. She is new to the tool kit but baby she has been an amazing addition. I swear she has single-handedly gotten me through the handling of my divorce...she helped me change my heart and mind about it. I would not be this far developmentally without her. She has a keen sense of clarity of what divorce means and how it makes you feel. She understood my pain and motivated me not to be defeated by it. And she bakes me vegan sweets that soothe my soul!
4) I blog. I read other blogs. Blogging has been a way to connect with the universe in a way that a journal does not. I know there are like-minded folks out there who know what I am talking about when I blog my heart out. And I can feel their well-wishes!
5) Sit and chat and play with my kids. They seem to be intuitively linked to me. They know exactly when I need their hugs and kisses. I swear they are Angels. When they call Mom it is as if God is reminding me he is with me all the time.
6) Gratitude Journal. Even in the midst of chaos and uncertainty there is always something to be grateful for.
7) Crafts. I love focusing on some creative project. Nothing makes me happier than creating something.
8) Books of inspiration. I have a fabulous stash of books by folks that speak directly to my soul. Marianne Williamson and others like her, Books of Poetry, books of inspiration and devotion.
9) Romance movies. Nothing cheers me up like a good romance or romantic comedy. I have a great stash... Four Wedding & a Funeral, Sense & Sensibility, Under the Tuscan Sun, Pride & Prejudice, Auntie Mame, The Women--both versions.
10) Church and my Minister. My Church has got to be one of the coolest around. I've never in my life met people who are so willing to give and help and support. I am always happy when I am with my Church family.
11) Remembering who I am and what I have done thus far. Reminding myself that I have accomplished and done a great many marvelous things.
12) Prayer & Meditation & Rest. Turning my attention to God as my friend and redeemer. To sit and quiet the mind. To be present with the living...nature...spirit. Worrying robs you of rest. I nap. I dream.
13) There are other tools that enhance these top 12. Additional folks who answer when I call. Who periodically check in. Who had my back in the darkest of darkest moments. Who truly are friends to the end. Who show up and a re present. Who know me and love me all the same.
If I am still in my spiral downward free fall, I revisit each one with intensity. I don't quit until I am feeling renewed and motivated to get up and get on with it. No one can go it alone. We have to have support systems in place. The magic is reaching out and saying what I need and allowing the help to come. What is needed will come.
The Lenten Journey continues.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
Thursday, March 12, 2009
LENTEN JOURNEY: CLARITY. TRUTH. GROWTH.
Self discovery is an amazing thing. But only if you are willing and open to the truth about who you are. The truth about how you are in the world and with other people. Standing in the mirror and staring at yourself dead-on can be uncomfortable. Do I like what I see? I am not solely talking about the physical. But the me that makes decisions. The me that loves or not loves. The me that lives inside of this body. The me that can wrap lies and half truths around me like a blanket.
There are times when you need the comfort of lies and half-truths to get you through. There are times when being a fool is a blessing. We live in mess until we gain strength to move on. Not that we are weak but that we are afraid. We are convinced that what stands before us isn't so bad...job, friends, lovers. And yet it doesn't bring us joy so we begin to back track..."well who can be joyful and joyous all the time?" And that's how we remain stuck on stupid. We talk ourselves out of going after all that we want. We settle and we accept and we make excuses for mis-treatment, mean words, bad behaviour and disrespect.
The last couple of years have been a time of tremendous growth for me as evidenced by this blog and all the posts. I started this blog so wounded that I could barely breath, I couldn't stop crying and I was just a total wreck. The more I blogged the better my vision became about who I was and where I was going. I could see where the pitfalls were and I could examine my heart. I could dream. I have learned a thing or two about trusting my instincts and paying attention to my feelings. I have set my feet and heart upon a path of healing...seeking joy and seeking love. Yes indeed there were pitfalls. I fell back into a pattern of allowing my neediness to cloud my better judgement and I got stuck on stupid again. But that's OK. I am known for my epiphanies. I am blessed with the gift of intuition and feeling. Those gifts have never failed me...I have failed them. But I am not trying to beat myself up for being a fool. I am hugging myself for the clarity of this moment. I needed what I needed and I got it. Now I need something more. I always needed something more.
This Lenten Journey is directing me to a place of better self care and kindness toward myself. The creative and spiritual divinity is calling me to take better care. I can see it with clarity. The truth is I have not put myself first at all. I have concerned myself with the happiness of other's and have lost sight of my own happiness. I am growing as I did when I began this journey. What I needed last year I do not need this year. The scraps thrown my way are not enough...I am not full. I want to be full. I want to live with a full heart.
I walk on with a new resolve to self-care and self love. Shedding anything and anyone that does not positively and lovingly feed my spirit and heart.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
There are times when you need the comfort of lies and half-truths to get you through. There are times when being a fool is a blessing. We live in mess until we gain strength to move on. Not that we are weak but that we are afraid. We are convinced that what stands before us isn't so bad...job, friends, lovers. And yet it doesn't bring us joy so we begin to back track..."well who can be joyful and joyous all the time?" And that's how we remain stuck on stupid. We talk ourselves out of going after all that we want. We settle and we accept and we make excuses for mis-treatment, mean words, bad behaviour and disrespect.
The last couple of years have been a time of tremendous growth for me as evidenced by this blog and all the posts. I started this blog so wounded that I could barely breath, I couldn't stop crying and I was just a total wreck. The more I blogged the better my vision became about who I was and where I was going. I could see where the pitfalls were and I could examine my heart. I could dream. I have learned a thing or two about trusting my instincts and paying attention to my feelings. I have set my feet and heart upon a path of healing...seeking joy and seeking love. Yes indeed there were pitfalls. I fell back into a pattern of allowing my neediness to cloud my better judgement and I got stuck on stupid again. But that's OK. I am known for my epiphanies. I am blessed with the gift of intuition and feeling. Those gifts have never failed me...I have failed them. But I am not trying to beat myself up for being a fool. I am hugging myself for the clarity of this moment. I needed what I needed and I got it. Now I need something more. I always needed something more.
This Lenten Journey is directing me to a place of better self care and kindness toward myself. The creative and spiritual divinity is calling me to take better care. I can see it with clarity. The truth is I have not put myself first at all. I have concerned myself with the happiness of other's and have lost sight of my own happiness. I am growing as I did when I began this journey. What I needed last year I do not need this year. The scraps thrown my way are not enough...I am not full. I want to be full. I want to live with a full heart.
I walk on with a new resolve to self-care and self love. Shedding anything and anyone that does not positively and lovingly feed my spirit and heart.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
GOODBYE. A GIFT
I happened upon this sermon Let Them Go by TD Jakes a few years ago. I couldn't receive the message then, because I was too caught up in mess to really digest it. I re-connected with it a few days ago while visiting a new blog I came across called Battle Scars and Exit Wounds. Their post The Gift Of "Goodbye" linked this sermon and this time it WOWED ME! So of course you know I just believed it was speaking directly to me. I found a version that I liked and here it is:
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
LET THEM GO!
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over
so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...
LET THEM GO!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET THEM GO!
If someone has angered you...
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...
LET THEM GO!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...
LET THEM GO!
If you have a bad attitude...
LET THEM GO!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET THEM GO!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET THEM GO!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...
LET THEM GO!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed...
LET THEM GO!
Get Right or Get Left, think about it, and then...
LET THEM GO!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
MY LENTEN JOURNEY: EMBRACING THIS MOMENT OF SOLITUDE & REFLECTION
There is something to being connected to the seasons. Being connected in a very organic kind of way. I spent the winter making stews, and soups and biscuits and cornbread. But now I feel the need for salads and lighter fish fare. Spring is coming!
Off with the old and on with the new. Yes the new. I have to let go of things that are not for me really. No matter how I wish them to be. Wishing doesn't make it so. These are definitely prayerful days. I am feeling very brave and very open. I do not know what tomorrow holds for me. I know what I want and I am summoning the courage to move in that direction. There are worries to contend with. I am beating them back as I said that I would, not giving in to the negative talk or thinking. This Lenten Journey is showing me that I have a creative spirit and spiritual nature. I call upon those strengths to move me further on my journey.
Letting go means to release myself from old hurts and complicated relationships. I am done with complicated matters. I want simplicity and serenity. I don't want to be ruled by the news of the day. I want peace and laughter and joy and good meals and wine!
So here I am looking out the window watching the snow and rain mix falling. I feel alone and lonely but not sad. I am feeling hopeful and prayerful that all my hearts desires' shall manifest in my big life. I am embracing this moment of solitude and aloness. Taking this time to reflect on where am I exactly? And what do I see?
I am embracing this moment of solitude and reflection. Standing fully in this moment awaiting Spring and shortly letting go of Winter. I've got more to discern as I walk this lonely road.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
Off with the old and on with the new. Yes the new. I have to let go of things that are not for me really. No matter how I wish them to be. Wishing doesn't make it so. These are definitely prayerful days. I am feeling very brave and very open. I do not know what tomorrow holds for me. I know what I want and I am summoning the courage to move in that direction. There are worries to contend with. I am beating them back as I said that I would, not giving in to the negative talk or thinking. This Lenten Journey is showing me that I have a creative spirit and spiritual nature. I call upon those strengths to move me further on my journey.
Letting go means to release myself from old hurts and complicated relationships. I am done with complicated matters. I want simplicity and serenity. I don't want to be ruled by the news of the day. I want peace and laughter and joy and good meals and wine!
So here I am looking out the window watching the snow and rain mix falling. I feel alone and lonely but not sad. I am feeling hopeful and prayerful that all my hearts desires' shall manifest in my big life. I am embracing this moment of solitude and aloness. Taking this time to reflect on where am I exactly? And what do I see?
I am embracing this moment of solitude and reflection. Standing fully in this moment awaiting Spring and shortly letting go of Winter. I've got more to discern as I walk this lonely road.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
Sunday, March 8, 2009
MY LENTEN JOURNEY: LOVE NEED
If my beloved stood face to face to me and said plainly and clearly I love you, how would I feel? What would I do? And could I happily and confidently say it back? HHmmm....
Words and deeds are the evidence of love. When we want to express our feelings we act accordingly. Those who are courageous enough to give and take love, sing its joys to the heavens. The rest of the not-so-courageous sit longing for the moment when love will find them.
We put up so many barriers to love that it is a wonder that a beloved could get up close enough to sing out I LOVE YOU! So many of us say we want love but then we erect massive walls and mazes to keep love from getting in. We say he's too this or that or she is lacking this or that. We do it without even realizing that we are focusing on the topical, the esoteric, the benign. We never look at someone's heart and mind. We never pay attention to their intentions. We ignore the soul. I suspect we are missing out on love all the time. Yes, we want what we think we want and we ignore the pull of the need.
What do I need? This Lenten Journey is asking me to ask myself. You cannot create, art, life, love without asking what is needed. I believe what is needed will come, but I have to understand that need is divine. Not a weakness. Not a character flaw. Not an admission of not having enough. To need someone is to say that I am open to and welcome companionship, support and love on this life journey.
Creativity and spirituality meet not in some distant place, but here on earth with me and my beloved connected and in sync with ourselves and the love we create. Yes. Creating love born out of what is needed...desired and wanted.
It requires a different thought process around falling in love and being in love. It is intimacy without all the drama of sexual intercourse. We have learned to remove intimacy from sex. We have learned to remove love from sex. I am thinking I need to connect the two. This is where I need to go and think how this might work in this life. This is the point where I begin to be honest with my needs. There is something to this thought process. There is something calling me in this regard. It is a deep rooted need I suspect, to be truly connected to my beloved.
Illumination is good.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam.
Words and deeds are the evidence of love. When we want to express our feelings we act accordingly. Those who are courageous enough to give and take love, sing its joys to the heavens. The rest of the not-so-courageous sit longing for the moment when love will find them.
We put up so many barriers to love that it is a wonder that a beloved could get up close enough to sing out I LOVE YOU! So many of us say we want love but then we erect massive walls and mazes to keep love from getting in. We say he's too this or that or she is lacking this or that. We do it without even realizing that we are focusing on the topical, the esoteric, the benign. We never look at someone's heart and mind. We never pay attention to their intentions. We ignore the soul. I suspect we are missing out on love all the time. Yes, we want what we think we want and we ignore the pull of the need.
What do I need? This Lenten Journey is asking me to ask myself. You cannot create, art, life, love without asking what is needed. I believe what is needed will come, but I have to understand that need is divine. Not a weakness. Not a character flaw. Not an admission of not having enough. To need someone is to say that I am open to and welcome companionship, support and love on this life journey.
Creativity and spirituality meet not in some distant place, but here on earth with me and my beloved connected and in sync with ourselves and the love we create. Yes. Creating love born out of what is needed...desired and wanted.
It requires a different thought process around falling in love and being in love. It is intimacy without all the drama of sexual intercourse. We have learned to remove intimacy from sex. We have learned to remove love from sex. I am thinking I need to connect the two. This is where I need to go and think how this might work in this life. This is the point where I begin to be honest with my needs. There is something to this thought process. There is something calling me in this regard. It is a deep rooted need I suspect, to be truly connected to my beloved.
Illumination is good.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam.
Friday, March 6, 2009
MY LENTEN JOURNEY: EMBRACING THE FEMININE
There is a real softness developing in me. An unexpected delight. I can feel myself becoming more womanly, more in tuned with a vulnerability that ordinarily would have been lost with all that I have come through these last several years. My pending divorce has not made me bitter. The unfortunate events of the last several years have not made me hard. Yes, I am strong and fearless where I need to be. But something else too...a softness...a willingness to yield.
As I move further into embracing my creativity and spirituality I cannot ignore my femininity. I am re-defining my womaness. I am not talking about roles. It goes deeper than that. It is for me about knowing what I need and being open to it. Using this Lenten journey to reflect on what it means to be a woman open for love is all a part of discovering my creative self. Creativity, spirituality and femininity are intertwined, each drawing strength from the other.
Understanding and embracing my femininity is critical as I welcome this season of dating and connecting with men. Knowing who I am at my core affirms my choice in a partner, lover, husband. I want to be a woman. Yielding, gracious, strong, beautiful, loving, kind, creative, spiritual.
Ad Maiorem Dei Glorian
As I move further into embracing my creativity and spirituality I cannot ignore my femininity. I am re-defining my womaness. I am not talking about roles. It goes deeper than that. It is for me about knowing what I need and being open to it. Using this Lenten journey to reflect on what it means to be a woman open for love is all a part of discovering my creative self. Creativity, spirituality and femininity are intertwined, each drawing strength from the other.
Understanding and embracing my femininity is critical as I welcome this season of dating and connecting with men. Knowing who I am at my core affirms my choice in a partner, lover, husband. I want to be a woman. Yielding, gracious, strong, beautiful, loving, kind, creative, spiritual.
Ad Maiorem Dei Glorian
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
MY LENTEN JOURNEY: LENTEN COMMITMENT 2009
As I step into the space of creativity and spirituality during this Lenten Season I am whole heartedly embracing my church's Lenten Commitment 2009.
During the season of Lent, 2009,
I commit to giving a gift to God, the church, my household,
community and world
by making space and time in my life to explore the
creative spirit within me.
I promise to spend time in prayer and listening as
I imagine and create.
I promise to be open to discovering new creative instincts and gifts.
I promise to persevere when the project is difficult or my creativity feels blocked.
I promise to follow new ideas where they lead me
without fear or judgement.
I commit to share this journey with atleast on
other person at church, and to be open to the
possibility of sharing my project and/or
conversation about it with the whole congregation
at the end of the Lenten season.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
MY LENTEN JOURNEY: NOT PERFECTION
Each of us assembles our own set of jurors. We imagine "Them" and "They" withholding permission to live our best lives. We act as if "They" & "Them" have more power and control over ourselves. We stop ourselves from stepping out on faith because everything is not perfect. All the ducks aren't lined up in a row. We think we don't have all that we need to create. We believe there is always something left to do, get, claim, acquire, achieve in order for us to reach perfection. Sometimes we are striving for perfection even when we don't know it. We unwittingly put up road blocks and obstacles in our way. We spend way too much time conferring with the jurors...real or imagined. The what is escapes us and puts us at odds with our divinity. When we don't accept the what is, we are not present or connected to who and where we are right now.
In these days of Lent I am relinquishing the drive for perfection and I am surrendering to the what is. And I will create in that space of what is. Otherwise I will never tap the creative divinity that longs for my full attention. As long as I think I do not have enough to create, I will not create. I have to use the tools and talents divinely given to me already. I have to work in the space that is provided today...right now. Waiting to create in perfection is fear.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
In these days of Lent I am relinquishing the drive for perfection and I am surrendering to the what is. And I will create in that space of what is. Otherwise I will never tap the creative divinity that longs for my full attention. As long as I think I do not have enough to create, I will not create. I have to use the tools and talents divinely given to me already. I have to work in the space that is provided today...right now. Waiting to create in perfection is fear.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
Monday, March 2, 2009
LENTEN JOURNEY: AD MAIOREM DEI GLORIAM
As I discern my Lenten Journey. I am feeling the real pull of my creative nature. The universe is laying before me a path to create my way into abundance. Yes, create my way into my very best self. Yesterday in our Adult Forum at Church we sat to brainstorm our Lenten Journey. Discussing our link between spirituality and creativity. It was an amazing time. This moment that I am in is an amazing time.
I am truly seeing that in difficult times if we are open, our creativity can be the answer to all the prayers to ease fear, lack and discontent. It is our moments of creative expression and thought that are the answered prayers. Not creativity as art and artistic expression alone. But thinking creatively about all things. It is allowing the divinity to lead and direct and open me in ways that I couldn't not see because of fear and lack. It is about lifting my skills up for the glory of God. For the greater glory of God. It is trusting that I have enough to live the life divinely given to me.
My final divorce date is this month. I received the letter from court on Thursday. All the old fears and anxiety came rushing back, can I make it on my own, can I raise my children, can I make a living. It is the end of the END. It is a finality that still hurts. But what I have come to realize and learn in prayer and meditation that there is more for me to do down the road. That this relationship ends, there are many more fruitful relationships awaiting my attention. The greatest one being my relationship with myself and the divinity within.
So my Lenten Journey is so appropriate as I move forward. This is my time to tap into my long buried creative spirit. To shish the nay saying voices and step out on faith. To hear only my voice strong. To follow the light of the divine. To be fearless.
Someone read my tarot cards for me. No this does not put me at odds with my faith. I rather like the mysticism of ancient tarot cards. The 7 Of Swords was drawn. This card speaks to self-created fears. The 7 of swords asks us to look at the ways in which we are limiting ourselves through the terrors of our own imaginations. It asks us to recognise what it is that prevents us from realizing our dreams and inspirations.
And then, this card asks us to open our eyes and see things as they really are. Not scary and dangerous after all, but full of possibility and hope. It is then that are able to take action!
I am taking action! I am stepping fully into my creative self. I am clearing my mind of unnecessary clutter of doubt, fear and lack. The universe is speaking. GOD is speaking. It is on me to hear and heed.
Ad maiorem dei gloriam
I am truly seeing that in difficult times if we are open, our creativity can be the answer to all the prayers to ease fear, lack and discontent. It is our moments of creative expression and thought that are the answered prayers. Not creativity as art and artistic expression alone. But thinking creatively about all things. It is allowing the divinity to lead and direct and open me in ways that I couldn't not see because of fear and lack. It is about lifting my skills up for the glory of God. For the greater glory of God. It is trusting that I have enough to live the life divinely given to me.
My final divorce date is this month. I received the letter from court on Thursday. All the old fears and anxiety came rushing back, can I make it on my own, can I raise my children, can I make a living. It is the end of the END. It is a finality that still hurts. But what I have come to realize and learn in prayer and meditation that there is more for me to do down the road. That this relationship ends, there are many more fruitful relationships awaiting my attention. The greatest one being my relationship with myself and the divinity within.
So my Lenten Journey is so appropriate as I move forward. This is my time to tap into my long buried creative spirit. To shish the nay saying voices and step out on faith. To hear only my voice strong. To follow the light of the divine. To be fearless.
Someone read my tarot cards for me. No this does not put me at odds with my faith. I rather like the mysticism of ancient tarot cards. The 7 Of Swords was drawn. This card speaks to self-created fears. The 7 of swords asks us to look at the ways in which we are limiting ourselves through the terrors of our own imaginations. It asks us to recognise what it is that prevents us from realizing our dreams and inspirations.
And then, this card asks us to open our eyes and see things as they really are. Not scary and dangerous after all, but full of possibility and hope. It is then that are able to take action!
I am taking action! I am stepping fully into my creative self. I am clearing my mind of unnecessary clutter of doubt, fear and lack. The universe is speaking. GOD is speaking. It is on me to hear and heed.
Ad maiorem dei gloriam
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