Saving Myself For A Change...

Time for a break.

The death of my friend Regina Winters-Toussaint has caused me to put my well-being to the top of my everyday practical life list. I am doing too much and I am not happy. I am measuring my well-being by how much tiredness, loneliness, poor diet, dehydration and headaches I can endure daily. I am killing myself.

So I have to be about the real business of SAVING MYSELF.

I wake up at 3:00 am almost every night. For a long time, I just thought it was because I miss my mother. And perhaps some of that is true. But I think the bigger truth is I haven't been in love with myself for a very long time. So I wake with this weight of uneasiness and sadness and aloneness that can't be filled with civic duties, Board commitments, community activism, motherhood or masturbation.

Now this isn't news in and of itself... What is news is that I want to tackle it and deal with it and honor it. 

Oh, I am certain my upcoming birthday has everything to do with this excavation of my heart and mind. I feel the need to inventory my life and toss and or keep things that are absolutely joyous to my spirit. That includes people.

Here's what I am going to do:

1) Write my obituary and plans for my end of life

2) Finish my memoir

3) Rediscover the love I have for myself

4) Say yes to things I only want to honestly do.

5) Be an artist

I'll be back for my birthday. May 2. I'll have a blog party! Right here!

Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Me or Marry Me... and Yes, I'm Giving Up Dating

I suck at dating. I mean I really suck. I keep showing up as my authentic self and nobody digs it. 

I show up open and honest and that's not how it goes.... That not how any of this goes.

Date after date, I get the same Dear Babz, I like you BUT....  I am baffled. I am perplexed. I am 52! I am not 22, or 32 or 42! I can't play coy. I can't play stupid. I can't keep smiling and nodding and being dim. What the fuck! I have a life. I am doing shit. I have projects. Why is that a problem? 

Last night a Brother told me: I think you are amazing... Pretty... No outright beautiful... You are smart... Witty and sexy as hell. But I can't be in your shadow. I'm being straight up honest. We could be friends though. Now mind you we've gone out, we've had long deep conversations. We flirted, we kissed (not the best kiss, but enough to work on it).

I said OK and hung up. And then I cried and cried. Now I know he did me a favor. I know he is full of shit. I know he doesn't deserve me. I know all the intellectual stuff. But still... It's like being the last kid picked for kickball.... and honestly I wasn't that kid ever.  

So here's my list of why any guy shouldn't date me in no particular order of importance:

1. I like to kiss a lot

2. I have a big laugh that's deep and throaty and husky

3. I wake up happy and more than likely will want to have sex

4. I can cook... like a BOSS, Oh and I can pair wine with a meal with ease.

5. My musical tastes is off the chain... From old skool R&B to independent Hip-Hop

6. Jazz is my first LOVE

7. I am learning to speak FRENCH... have you ever had french words whispered in your ear while you are thrusting deeply?

8. I like to be alone... Without you.

9. I have solid friends who like to kick it with me and will read your ass if you try to interrupt our flow

10. I have kids who require my full attention

11. I will often speak in movie dialogue... The Godfather, Good Fellas, Friday, Friday after Next, Oh the list is long and varied

12. I am not always going to be GLAMMED UP... meaning I am more apt to be in a big t-shirt and granny panties than thongs, and garters

13. I love football...Get me a beer and be quiet.

14. When I'm working, I'm working

15. I like to shop alone.

16. Have your own hobbies... I'm not your entertainment

17. I read a lot. If you don't then know you are about to be kicked to the curb

18. I'm not checking your cellphone, your email, or social media accounts

19. I don't do baby-mama drama, ex-wife drama, drama of any sort.

20. When we are out don't take it personal if I don't introduce you... It is purely about me not remembering other people... Introduce yourself and be OK if I leave you alone.

Here's my new thing.... I am giving up dating. I am taking down all my dating profiles, I am telling all my dear friends to stop looking on my behalf. I am DONE!

It's not worth it to me anymore. I am tired. I am disilussioned and weary. So, I'm out the game! That's it. That's it. I live a full life already. My attention is required on other matters. This can't be a focus anymore. 

Every and All Blaxploitation films

I Love This Life Of Mine.

I am winning in my life and I love it. Once I did away with what I thought I should be doing or should have, I was able to fully step into the "As Is". I like the "As Is"  it is my authentic self. The "As Is" isn't about settling, or compromising, or ignoring anything. It is about standing in my glorious self right now. My admiring gaze is about seeing myself right now in all my glory. There is no point to looking at myself with a critical eye.  Picking myself apart... deeming myself unworthy. There is a great deal of joy in throwing out trash talkers and naysayers. I've burned the bridges of folks who freak me out with their bullshit... who make excuses for their sedate lives. I am not that woman... the woman who settles or bows down or bends over backwards for bullshit. Never that woman.

I am She who is rising. Becoming more of myself than I ever could imagined existed. I like the me I see staring back in the mirror in the morning and at the end of the day. I love the sound of my own breathing and laughter. I cannot and will not tolerate bullshit ever again. 51 cannot and will not tolerate it. My passions run deep and I make no apologies for them... I am a full grown woman. I know how to do shit. I know how to move and change the world.

I am feeling grand and fine tuned. I am a gift that keeps on giving. I like that revelation. I ain't looking for no one to complete me. I am not looking for anyone to provide me with answers to my life. What I want is someone who is interested in supporting and safe guarding my dreams and aspirations. What I am seeking is someone who has his own dreams and aspirations that I can support and safe guard. What I am longing for is REAL connection... nakedness... non-judgement... honesty... love... and integrity.  There can be no settling of anything other than truth.

I am in love with my life. I have waged a long hard battle of acceptance. I love the woman I am becoming. The man that seeks me will know exactly what to do to get me and keep me. This is my epiphany today. I am not lost. I am not confused. I am not misguided or misdirected.

Iron sharpens iron.

The Ever Illuminating Path...Yes Zora More Answers This Year

I was over at my blog Brother Mark's blog Stars Like Grains Of Sand In My Pocket 

This is massive truth telling right here. A kind of realization that hurts... at least it does for me. I could have written this. 

It is my truth also:

Looking back over the past decade-and-a-half (?!?!) of my intimate personal relationships, the thread that runs through all the fail is the investiture of the emotions that make a relationship work. Love depends not on what you are willing to get, but instead is determined on what you are willing to give, which is everything. And I have no problem with saying that the women I have been involved with all had this one trait in common to be IN love. 

Yes. I responded:

Love is all about the give. I think that's the thing that scares people... taking the bet on giving...and deep inside believing what if he/she doesn't give back. That's where the fear lives... the hesitation...doubt.  So folks keep putting their eggs in the same basket hoping the other person doesn't crack them all. And they do.

I do know we attract what we are...not what we want. I find that sobering. As I stand in that truth, I have decided not to actively seek anyone. Who I am at the moment is pretty good, but it's not optimum. So rather that suffering through more of less. I am putting all that energy...both sexual, and romantic and whatever else into doing all the things that make me happy. Love is always present. I am loved beyond measure.

So this all means that I am on the right track... on the ever illuminating path. I am not going to spend any more time trying to add someone to my life. That is a time waster. And honestly I haven't been good at it. So I quit. Not giving up on love. Giving up on chasing unrequited love and all the bullshit of the emotional roller coaster.  The man that digs me, is interested in me, aches for me, will come for me without a story of woe, or demons, or excuses, or whatever else I have tolerated and allowed.  I am a whole woman. I need someone to show up whole... intact... broken pieces gathered and mending.

In the meantime my life is amazingly good. Not perfect... ain't nobody got time for perfection. I am however happy and the unfolding of things is sweet!